The Fish
for 14 May 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Head Electrician


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Family Jewels

Are you a dyke??? What's
wrong with this drug for
men?? If a man loves a woman,
then what's the problem if he
needs a drug to aid him in
satisfying her pleasures?

<Name Withheld to Protect
The Limp>

Ah, the "ribbed ... for her
pleasure" argument.

Actually, Viagra was the
least of my interests. My
point was that biotechnology
is often so focused on
splashy projects - like
pest-resistant crops and
flaccidity-resistant pests
(er, men) - that things like
the interruption of the human
reproductive cycle look like
a wee side effect. Same with
poverty and poor education,
which are almost certainly
more to blame for youth
violence than are Doom, South
or anything "essential"
to "male culture."


Fish With Letter Icon

Due to your related
experiences, I was hoping you
could help.

We are a market leader in the
development of novel
therapeutic urological and
cardiovascular devices
located in the Midwest. We
are seeking a reliability
engineer to be responsible
for all aspects of
reliability from product
design to service.
Individuals out of aerospace,
defense, medical products,
and other high-tech
industries will be

A BS degree in engineering or
a related science with three
years in electronics or
electromechanical systems
reliability is needed.

I can offer a competitive
salary ($70,000) and
comprehensive benefits. (61A)
If you know someone that
would be interested I can be
contacted at:

Larry Chiaravallo

Um ... Glad you liked the

However, contrary to the
impression you may have
gotten from my mouthing off
about Viagra, I'm not really
in the "urological and
cardiovascular devices" game.

Or are you hitting on me?

Regardless, send the $70K
along ASAP - preferably in
unmarked, nonsequential tens
and twenties.


Fish With Letter Icon

Family Jewels

Nice job! You've no doubt
heard the story of the Viagra
patient who developed a
painful priapism that lasted
for hours after taking the
drug. After many failed
attempts to reach his doctor,
he returned to the pharmacy.
"Help me!" he cried.

"There's $400 in the
register," said the
pharmacist, "and there's a
safe in the back."

Best, Keith Pajkowski

Boy! I bet the doctor was
really mad when he found out
about that!

Proof that Genetic
Engineering Can Go Terribly


Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Tex:

There's an essay there, a
good, funny, nasty essay ...
but alas, it's not the one
you wrote. Maybe if Suck paid
more than $1.50 per
essay, you guys would have
more time to edit yourselves.
Oops; sorry. Not really as
nasty as it sounds; imagine
it said with a grin and an
offer to buy you a drink.

The agribusinesses are
screwed up; with their new
products, they're acting more
like software companies ...
ahhh, we'll fix the bug in
the next release. A bad
thing. The reduced percentage
of men, caused by chemicals
that mimic hormones, is
almost surely an artifact of
bad experimental design and
anyway, as you note,
restricted only to Canadians,
so who cares: a silly thing.
Anti-impotence drugs target a
legitimate medical problem,
one of increasing importance
if we wish an aging
population to stay healthy
and productive and alert: a
good thing. And boys really
don't have more fun, or
weren't you beaten up in the
shower in high school? An
important thing ... and one,
to be sure, in the process of
being turned into idiotic
psychobabble by a culture
educated beyond its
capabilities (a separate

I'm not sure ANYBODY could
turn this disparate mess into
a coherent rant. You get high
marks for trying. You'd have
gotten higher marks if you'd
slowed down a bit and tried
to make it more
intellectually rigorous.

Oh well. Those who can, do;
those who cannot, email

Alan Kornheiser

Well, now...


I'm thinking.

Nope. Once the crank wears
off, I'm useless.


Fish With Letter Icon

Interesting opinions about
the disturbingly violent
tendencies of today's Power
Ranger-ing youth. Perhaps the
reason for the mother's
having less influence on the
boy's life, thereby
increasing his tendency to
act and react violently, lies
not with Viagra. (Which, by
the way, will allow many
older people who God has
naturally discouraged from
doing the nasty to acquiesce,
no matter the shrinkage.)
Perhaps the reason that boys
of the 90s are getting
less contact with their
mothers and less "sensitivity
training" or
compassion-sessions lies in
the ideas put forth by the
same people now tearing at
their hair and clothes in
angst about the whole
ridiculous situation: the
feministic philosophies of
female "empowerment."

The reason boys
don't know NOT to
rip the head off of Raggedy
Ann and use her torso as a
bazooka is because mommy is
off changing the world in the
workplace while Johnny plays
Doom 64 in day-care. How
in the world can we therefore
expect Johnny and Bobby and
Sammy NOT to kick Janey to
death while making sound
effects with their drop kicks
(as happened recently in

Being raised on
violence unhindered by
parental supervision or
direction creates exactly the
same little monsters
littering the demographical
field as those you have
described. So ... would that
mean that "girl power" (sorry
to quote the Spice Girls) is the
root of all familial evil?
No, but daddy coming home,
cracking a Michelob and
turning on WWF while Mommy
tells the kids to shut the
hell up so she can sell a
house certainly doesn't
create the ideal family of
the 21st century.

Old farts boning each other way
past their expiration date
has nothing to do with the
inept parental habits
cultured by the destruction
of the traditional family
life of the post-World-War-II
days. Is it going to take
another World War to bring
people back to reality?
Unless we want Johnny pumping
semen and lead into Janey
during recess, we'd better
stick to the tried-and-true
fact of the ages - men hunt
animals, women provide the
brains of the relationship
and raise more men to hunt
more animals. I'll take that
over Viagra any day.

Justin Reese

Hm. IMHO, you've got sorta
the right idea for completely
the wrong reason. While it's
certainly a problem that
mom's not home, I'm not sure
this has anything to do with
traditional notions of female

If you can find it, I
recommend Mike Males, "Wild
in Deceit: Why 'Teen
Violence' Is Poverty Violence
in Disguise" (EXTRA!
March/April 1996, pp. 7-9). It
coincides with the main idea
of my piece, which is that
Viagra and Jonesboro, while
sensational and even
entertaining as "news," are
not the root of the problem.


Fish With Letter Icon

From one boy who never
understood my true nature, I
thank you with throbbing palm
outstretched. My mind swells
with the erect connotations
of world domination. The
patriarchal earth-father of
the moon's golden triangle
makes my mind erect and I can
no longer stem the tide of
oozing throes of meaning from
hitting the floor as I ponder
the boyness - the wholeness -
He represents.

This must mean I am gathering
... thank you.


Uh ... You don't sound that
anxious to hunt animals.

Is your mom one-a-them
feministic philosophers or


Fish With Letter Icon

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