The Fish
for 11 May 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Head Electrician


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Low Turnout

Dear Mr., Miss, Ms., or Mrs.

I have long been annoyed by
this TV thing. Yet, I lack a
singular myth-exploding
elocution sufficient to
finish off the puppy.
Besides, I enjoy watching
political, business,
athletic, and religious
figures jerking spasmodically
at the end of an electronic
noose. Mayhap you have hit
upon something, however.
Since you have viewed Moby
with irony, and seen its
irony, and sought further
layers of irony, there looms
before us the Godzillian
possibility that as we add
more and more layers of irony
upon irony, we may
accidentally circle back
around and find ourselves
sincere, for the first time
in human history. And TV led
the way! Backwards? Am I onto
something here? Kill your

Jack Garman

I'm especially fond of dog
metaphors, and so I expected
you to say that "we circle
back around, end where we
began, with our own tails in
our mouths - happy to have
finally caught the hairy

Anyway: Right on!

And it's "Mr. Skinner," if
you're nasty.

Best regards,
E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

"ABC honcho Robert Iger ...
the head of the network
responsible for Roseanne and
Married with Children"

I thought Fox was behind
Married with Children...? Nit-
picking aside, why is TV so
associated as being a "dummy
box?" I would think people at
the History Channel and
Discovery would say
otherwise. You make a damn
valid and cynical (surprise)
point about there not being
much better in other forms of
distraction, or that they are
for the most part equal. It
all boils down to what you do
and how you do it. You could
watch that Sliders marathon
on the SciFi Channel or read
the Suck archives. Either way,
you are a few hours closer to
death. Six one way or a half
dozen the other....

Chuck P

Hi, Chuck. Thanks for taking
the time to write.

Not sure about the Married
with Children
question - I
think you may be right, but
NBC is culpable for picking
up the reruns, arguably a
much more nefarious daily
exposure to the nadir of
"Must Flee TV."

For some reason, TV just gets
judged by its worst products.
I admit to a little hyperbole
in my article: Actually,
Brave New World and Moby Dick
were terrific. I don't even
have cable, and I manage to
see about three hours of
pretty decent TV every week.
King of the Hill is
particularly good. PBS'
Mystery is hit-or-miss, and
so on.

Anyway, thanks for writing.

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

Filler: Pretension

Hey man,

While others just talk about
it, I actually have a really
uncreative job that has
already driven me crazy.
That's right.

You know how you really tell
pretension? It's all about
over-pronouncing the word
"baguette." Try it yourself.
Now say, "Could I really have
my sandwich on a baguette?"
"Yes, of course," I say,
"right after I take my


Perchance do you take that
medication AVEC your
baguette, or do you prefer
medication SANS baguette?

Now that's pretension to the
point of idiocy.

Which we strongly encourage.

Fish With Letter Icon

Springer Fever



I recently had the grandiose
opportunity to
myself on the Jerry Springer
show. I am an "adult
industry" photographer,
( ,
and they wanted two of my
models to go on with me ...
one as my girlfriend (who was
gonna leave me for another
girl ... just after she
dropped the bomb on me that
they were both strippers). I
was supposed to be a wedding
photographer, who knew
nothing about the adult
entertainment industry! Yeah,
right! Needless to say, once
I found out that EVEN THE
PRODUCERS weren't gonna know
the TRUTH, I respectfully
declined this wonderful
opportunity. I spent that day
much more productively ...
photographing an all-new,
nude layout for 1997 Miss
Exotic Centerfold of the
Year, Venus Holliday,
( !

What would YOU have done if
you were me???

Love your site ... I read it

Brad Fitzgerald

We would have appeared on Jerry

Stay tuned!

Fish With Letter Icon

Toxic Shock

The question you asked, "Why
single out Microsoft?" is
deceptively easy. (You're not
trying to trick me are you?)
The reasons are many-fold:
Microsoft has bullied its way
into market domination,
approaching total monopoly;
they are one of the most
profitable corporations on
earth (now that I think about
it, that is probably the
chief reason). If you ask the
folks at Apple, Netscape, or
Sun, they would probably say
they only see Microsoft
getting stronger - no
surprise there. What is key,
though, is that if you were
to ask the average Joe or
Joanne if they thought they
were going to switch
operating systems anytime
soon to a non-Microsoft
product - the answer would be
80 percent NO.

It is true that Microsoft
hasn't killed anyone yet.
That being said, Bill
Gates has yet
to demonstrate that
he wouldn't buy a tobacco
company, a small
un-democratic country, or
nuclear weapons, etc. if it
suited Microsoft. Now
that I think about it, your
essay was just the teensiest
bit defensive of Microsoft -
You're not working for them,
are you?

And yes, if you were
wondering, I do derive most
of my income from selling
Apple computers.

Ted Sturk

Your letter was just the
teensiest bit paranoid. Which
made us wonder more about
your nationality than your
employer, truth be told.

Fish With Letter Icon

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