The Fish
for 28 April 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Head Electrician


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

More Rewarding Hobbies for

Subject: George Michael

George Michael is a Cancer?
Damn I'd better get right on
it. This looks like a job for
Celebrity Astrology. Problem
is, I'm still finishing up
Tammy Wynette's astro-profile
and Obituary. Something
happens to these celebrities
every day! I can't keep up.

Donna Marsh

Well you know what they say:
If you can't keep up, give

See also: Creating Celebrity
Astro-Profiles: One of the
More Useless Pasttimes Known
to Humankind.

Fish With Letter Icon

Sucksters, I sent for an XL
Suck T-shirt a year ago but
it never showed. Should I
kill my mailman?


Yes. And kill your
"Ciao" while you're at it.

Fish With Letter Icon

More Grandstanding

Hi: I'm 33 years old and be
an international student in
Los Angeles since 1996.
Studding now for my third
semester in Los Angeles City
College in cinema department,
I would like to be a

Being from Geneva,
Switzerland, I came back
every year in my native town
to work and make some money.
But unfortunately, last
summer 97 was very bad for my
temporary job, limo-driver
(chauffeur,) because a rich
client from the Gulf country
did not choose right to come
as usual in Geneva. So, now
I'm having several problems
to be at school and make some
decent money as a security
officer in Los Angeles.

As I'm expecting to stay at
least 2 or 3 semester to
finish my degree, I would
like to find a support to
help a decent living. I wish
you could do something about
my very bad situation (have
$800 left on my bank account)
or would it be possible you
to give me some advice on how
I could find a grand.

Thank you very much for you

<Name Withheld
To Protect The Poor>

Indeed, it can be very hard
to find a grand. It sounds
like you're going to need
more than one grand, too,
given your financial
situation. We've been
searching for, oh, about 200
grand, lately, and as you can
imagine, it's been quite a

The best we can do is give
you some good old capitalist
advice - that business plan
of yours sounds pretty
flawed. Your entire profit
margin depended on the
existence of one client from
the Gulf country visiting
Geneva? We'd suggest a
wider-range marketing blitz
and some alternative income
strategies. You're in L. A. and
you want to be a
director/producer? Why not
start out as a PA? They can
make one, two grand a month,
sometimes under the table,
all by sucking up to American
assholes, which, based on
your letter, is quite easy
for you to do.

Good luck with your very bad

Fish With Letter Icon

Face Value

Subject: Sobriety, Teasing
Shits, .....

E.L. Skinner mentions
caffeine & nicotine as
favourite mind-altering
substances. Why not chew on
coca leaves? They're
extremely nutritious and no
one's ever died from doing

Will says kids are "mean
little teasing shits." Well
in a free-market democracy
why would one want anything
else? May the best boy or
girl win and employ all his
or her resources (including
machetes) to maximize
personal efficiency and

Market-driven lifestyles and
morals inevitably cause
prejudice. There are unborn
babies who are prejudiced by
human beings' fascination
with and use of computers,
for example. In other words,
there are individuals yet to
be born whose genetic makeup
would have perfectly fitted a
whole different set of world
circumstances. Every decision
prejudices future
generations, for better or
for worse.

Adrian Williams
South Africa

So, should we eat this pint
of ice cream or not? After
your stern far-reaching
admonition, we're paralyzed
by the possible consequences.

Coca leaves might be more
fun, if we don't have a heart
attack from trying to climb
the nearest mountain at a
sprinter's pace. As you said,
for better or for worse...

Fish With Letter Icon

Bitches Ain't Shit But Hos
and Tricks

there seems to be a lot of
them ou there these days and
no matter how cool you think
a person is they eventually
will become a bitch so just
give up

It's not werth your time or

Thank you

Rex Garver

Maybe you bring out the bitch
in every girl, Rex.

Your name alone is giving us
the urge to bitchily cut you
down to size.

But Rrrrrex? You're not werth

Fish With Letter Icon

Another Clairvoyant Reader
Chimes In

Honestly, I'm a little
worried. When someone as
cynical as I am is able to
predict the future with such
uncanny accuracy, the world
must truly be a frightening place.
When Princess Diana died, I
commented that if Mother
Teresa died, the "outpouring
of grief" for such a great
"humanitarian" couldn't
possibly be as great as for
Di. Imagine my guilt when
Mother Teresa died a couple
days later, and nobody
noticed. After witnessing the
hype for Titanic (you know,
the movie with the 3-D
computer-generated special
effects, and the
one-dimensional acting), I
said I wouldn't be surprised
if someone were morbid enough
to build another ship with
the same name to cash in on
the public's hysteria. Now it
seems that someone is going
to do just that.

Maybe those predictions were
a little too easy, maybe they
mean nothing. All I'm saying
is that if Bill's new sex
scandal involves another man,
don't blame me. When his
popularity plummets (because
homosexuals are only cool if
they're females), don't point
your finger in my direction.
I'm just the messenger after


Two words, Matt: Faith
Popcorn. One more word:
Trendspotter. Two more words:
Big money. Five more words:
Forget the Bill thing first.
Fish With Letter Icon


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