The Fish
for 27 April 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Head Electrician


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Face Value

Subject: Sobriety, Teasing
Shits, .....

E.L. Skinner mentions
caffeine & nicotine as
favourite mind-altering
substances. Why not chew on
coca leaves? They're
extremely nutritious and no
one's ever died from doing

Will says kids are "mean
little teasing shits." Well
in a free-market democracy
why would one want anything
else? May the best boy or
girl win and employ all his
or her resources (including
machetes) to maximize
personal efficiency and

Market-driven lifestyles and
morals inevitably cause
prejudice. There are unborn
babies who are prejudiced by
human beings' fascination
with and use of computers,
for example. In other words,
there are individuals yet to
be born whose genetic makeup
would have perfectly fitted a
whole different set of world
circumstances. Every decision
prejudices future
generations, for better or
for worse.

Adrian Williams
South Africa

So, should we eat this pint
of ice cream or not? After
your stern far-reaching
admonition, we're paralyzed
by the possible consequences.

Coca leaves might be more
fun, if we don't have a heart
attack from trying to climb
the nearest mountain at a
sprinter's pace. As you said,
for better or for worse...

Fish With Letter Icon

Bitches Ain't Shit But Hos
and Tricks

there seems to be a lot of
them ou there these days and
no matter how cool you think
a person is they eventually
will become a bitch so just
give up

It's not werth your time or

Thank you

Rex Garver

Maybe you bring out the bitch
in every girl, Rex.

Your name alone is giving us
the urge to bitchily cut you
down to size.

But Rrrrrex? You're not werth

Fish With Letter Icon

Another Clairvoyant Reader
Chimes In

Honestly, I'm a little
worried. When someone as
cynical as I am is able to
predict the future with such
uncanny accuracy, the world
must truly be a frightening place.
When Princess Diana died, I
commented that if Mother
Teresa died, the "outpouring
of grief" for such a great
"humanitarian" couldn't
possibly be as great as for
Di. Imagine my guilt when
Mother Teresa died a couple
days later, and nobody
noticed. After witnessing the
hype for Titanic (you know,
the movie with the 3-D
computer-generated special
effects, and the
one-dimensional acting), I
said I wouldn't be surprised
if someone were morbid enough
to build another ship with
the same name to cash in on
the public's hysteria. Now it
seems that someone is going
to do just that.

Maybe those predictions were
a little too easy, maybe they
mean nothing. All I'm saying
is that if Bill's new sex
scandal involves another man,
don't blame me. When his
popularity plummets (because
homosexuals are only cool if
they're females), don't point
your finger in my direction.
I'm just the messenger after


Two words, Matt: Faith
Popcorn. One more word:
Trendspotter. Two more words:
Big money. Five more words:
Forget the Bill thing first.
Fish With Letter Icon


Naked Eye

Verily, the shame is the
hottest part! I remember the
hours of will-steeling (and
willy steeling, I suppose)
that led up to a trip to the
local Max's Milk store (it's
a Canadian Thing) in seach of
Penthouse Canada. The more
taboo porn becomes, the more
necessary it grows to the
minds and groins of our
youth. It seems that even
those of the female
persuasion are (finally!)
discovering the guilty
pleasures on the
print-and-flesh combo. Right
on, sisters!

Your story did make me think
of a particular episode
related me by a friend (let's
call him Sam). One day, at
some point during his
undergraduate career at
Columbia, the topic of
discussion in his Women's
Study class turned to
pornography. After the
discussion had gone on for
some time, Sam raised his
hand to make what he felt had
become a much-needed point of
clarification. When called
upon, he stood and said:
"What some of you may not
know, or may not fully
understand, is that all men
love porn. They like to read
it, they like to look at it.
Gay or straight, we enjoy
looking at naked pictures of
whichever kind of body turns
us on. Despite our
understanding that porn can
and does objectify both men
and women, we like to read
about them doing things with
others, and we like to see
pictures of them doing things
to themselves. Yet some of us
avoid porn. Note: this is not
because we do not like it. It
is because, for one reason or
another, we simply choose not
to read it."

Sam made it out of the
classroom alive, that day ( I
did say Columbia, not
Barnard). Needless to say, he
remains one of my heroes to
this day.

Suck on.

Noah Tepperman

Penthouse Canada? What the
hell could that possibly look
like? ("Ah, geez, guys, you
see the racy flannels on this
honey? And get a gander at
them sassy mittens!") Gives a
whole new meaning to the
common teen-boy term "wet
bea--." Oh, never mind.

Is there still such a thing,
now that Canada has been

And it sounds like Sam's
missing out on the shame. As
his friend, you should
probably take him aside and
explain things for him.

Thanks for the Columbia

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

I'm not going to get deeply
involved in this debate,
since I profoundly don't
care. I've seen a woman.
(What play was it - Butley? -
in which the title character
says "I'm a one-woman man,
and I've had mine, thank
God." But I digress.) I've
also seen Times Square in the
late 1970s, so I'm not
totally without sympathy for
those who argue that maybe
too much is enough. Anyway.
Let me just suggest you
broaden your geographic
horizens a little:

My lady is about to lead a
tour group to Iran. She is
currently going through her
closet trying to find
something to wear. (She had a
chador, once; it got
stolen(!) the last time she
was in Iran, and she's not
getting another one.) We're
busy having reverse fashion
shows, in which I'm asked
"does this hide enough of
me?" and "does this make me
sufficiently unattractive?"
and "can you notice any of my
body in this outfit?" As she
does this she becomes more
and more angry; she better
leave on this tour soon or
somebody is going to get
killed. The reason she's
going through this idiocy is
that the Islamic state
requires it. Fair enough;
it's their country. Why do
they require it? Because, it
would seem, the very sight of
a strange woman COMPELS men
to feats of sexual violence.
It appears that the very
existence of women, even
perfectly respectable women
in perfectly respectable
clothing, is too much for the
weak male flesh to deal with;
best it be entirely hidden,
lest bad things ensue.

Recall that Persian culture
is ancient and complex and
that this fundamentalism is
filtered through a
complicated strata; Iranian
women are sophisticated,
educated, in the work force,
have the vote, and are
capable of dealing with all
manner of idiocy, Persian men
included. And despite this,
the fear of sexual arousal is
so great that an entire
society has stood its dress
codes and much of its
behavioral code on its head
to be sure that the site of a
woman's hair does not result
in rape in the streets. Of
course, the situation in
Afghanistan is markedly
worse. There are a LOT of
people who believe we must be
protected from ourselves.

I bring this to your
attention simply to point out
that the idiotic anti-sex
practices you cite are not,
as one might innocently
believe, the product of some
uniquely Yankee puritanism.
Rather, they reflect what is
surely a widely
(universally?) held fear of
the power of sexuality. As we
laugh at this fear, perhaps
we might ponder if such a
fear is necessarily
inappropriate. Sex and Death,
Eros and Chaos ... the
linkages are real. The
Greeks, and the Elizabethans,
just to mention our own
immediate cultural ancestors,
treated love and lust as
either comic or dangerous,
the enemies of order and
family. Only a fool in love
could say "the world well
lost for love." Maybe they
were on to something.

Alan Kornheiser
The Doctor Is


Not sure about these other
cultures, but I will just say
this: My roommates are
constantly telling me to "put
on some pants."

Why is she going to Iran? Are
you dating a government
assassin of some kind?

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

I liked it. only what does
"(sic)" mean?

Matthew Manor

It means "buy a dictionary."

Oh, okay: It means that the
misspelled or agrammatic (a
word I think I just made up)
word or words immediately
preceding the "(sic)" are
taken intact from a direct
quote, and so the error isn't
ours. It means, you know,
that we're not stupid or

Now you probably want to know
what a meme is.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

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