for 23 April 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Making The Fish

FYI:

When you run your Web page
through Babelfish to French
then back to English, "a
fish, a barrel, and a smoking
gun" becomes "a fish, a barrel,
and a gun of nicotinism"

Hey, this is like my 11th
letter to y'all. It'd be nice
to make Fish sometimes.

Tom Ballard
<wtb3@bellsouth.net>

Making The Fish. A dubious
accolade to be sure.

You have way too much time on
your hands, mister. A real
accolade. Congratulations.

Now think about spending it
doing something more
constructive. Like smoking.

Your Gun of Nicotinism,
Sucksters

Naked Eye

Laugh out loud funny -- what
more could you ask for. I
guess if you motivated me to
go out and protest uptight
moral majoritarians, that
would be better, but you'll
have to settle for my
laughter.

Ted Sturk
<ted@light.on.ca>

No, no: Protest. Only better
that you should protest by
way of your daily actions,
laughter being just one tool
in the box. You know what to
do.

Ambrose Beers

Once again, you've hit the
nail on the head, and the
nail is called,
"responsibility." As in, "I
don't want to take any, so
I'm going to place it all in
the hands of a higher ruling
body." The War on Sex, like
the War on Drugs, is based in
the notion that people can't
control themselves and
extends from that notion ...
that everyone must be
penalized for the lack of
self-control on the part of a
few. The attitude is like
that of a second grade
teacher: "Little Jimmy was
bad, so none of you can go
out to recess."

Most often, those who propose
restrictions on "morally
objectionable" things are the
ones most prone to lose
control and abuse them. Maybe
if these politicians and
religious figures would
actually loosen up and jack
off from time to time, they
wouldn't be so wound up. Or
hey, most of them are pretty
rich (how'd that
happen? hmmm
... ); they can afford
hookers or trophy spouses.

And maybe that's part of the
plan, to once again target
the poor and the single.
Those of us not blessed with
six- or seven-figure incomes
or an (inter)active sex life
are once again being targeted
by the elite class and being
denied a source of our own
possible gratification.

Just a thought,
Tom
<lmaddox@tigger1.nado.hp.com>

Amen, brother. Quite the
second grade culture, out
there. And let's do stop for
a moment to try and picture
Ken Starr jacking off, shall
we?

There. That was nice.

Ambrose Beers

Soundbite Autopsy

Why am I writing you? Shit, I
don't know. Am I insane? Mad?
Seeking an alternate state of
consciousness through better
hand-washing techniques?
Could be.

<neonzen@hotmail.com>

All hand-washing leads
to is cleaner hands. For
consciousness-altering,
trying watching those
Saturday morning how-to-paint
shows. They work pretty well.

Huck

That's it?!?!

Shit, I might get something
done today.

GDS
<gdsimms@uiuc.edu>

Advertising and product
placement are only filling
the Suck coffers so much,
Geoffrey, so we're trying
something new: Really short
pieces subsidized by
companies/institutions who
actually want their charges
to accomplish something.
Looks like it's working. Can
we use your testimonial for
our marketing brochure?

Hi. I was wondering if you
have any thoughts on a theme
for a party. Make it funny.
Thank you.

<SmElLyCoW7@aol.com>

1. Buy lots and lots of
alcohol and party snax -
various flavored vodkas,
Southern Comfort, Night
Train, Fiddle Faddle,
Doritos, and several cans of
Cheez Whiz recommended.

2. Invite only people who you
publicly dislike but secretly
envy. Make sure to invite
them all at the last minute:
A scattered, insecure phone
message will work best.

3. When no one shows at your
"party," start obsessing
about what a loser you are
and how everyone hates you,
then gorge on all the booze
and food. You'll have a
blast!

Filler: Rich People Suck

Your overview of domestic
conspicuous consumption
trends (Filler 4.08, Excess
Baggage) reminds me of
another sort of extravagance,
shown in Apple co-founder
Steve Jobs' new home in Palo
Alto. He bought adjacent
houses on large lots in one
of the priciest residential
areas around, and then tore
down one of the houses to
plant a fruit orchard.

I expect this sort of urban
farmsteading to become a new
trend among our more
organically inclined
billionaires. As a wealth
display, you can't beat it.
What would a modest-sized
vineyard cost on Manhattan's
Upper East Side, for example?
How many people would notice
it? And yet, who wouldn't
enjoy living the "good life"
back on the land, perhaps
even off-the-grid, yet mere
steps away from the pleasures
of the city?

Zoning, tenancy, and
historical preservation laws
would pose obstacles in some
areas, but the legal fees and
payoffs necessary to surmount
them would only enhance the
mystique.

Paul Spinrad

That's outrageous and
nutrageous. Now if he lets
the fruit from the orchard
drop to the ground and rot,
then he'll really get our
collective panties in a
bunch.

Otherwise, it sounds better
than wasting it all on trashy
jewel-crusted designer
clothes that Courtney Love
sweated in.