The Fish
for 21 April 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Drink Taster


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Deja Voodoo

your books are in the rare
book room of grove city
college. english translations
of your fine works were done
by hans freidrich senholz
while he received one of only
two doctorates granted by
ludwig von mises.

John Dogger

Dear Mr. Dogger:

Thanks for your response.
According to Herr Professor
Doktor Sennholz himself, he
is one of four, not two,
Mises PhDs. The others, to my
knowledge, are Israel
Kirzner, George Reisman, and
Louis Spadaro. I have some
reason to believe there may
be at least one other, but
have as yet been unable to


Fish With Letter Icon

I cannot believe, Eugen, that
you broke out the hatchet on
my sister industry. Just
waiting for an inflammatory
piece on PR ... much hipper
and more timely.

Maybe I should just reread
your column to make sure I am
flaming you appropriately.
Sorry I cannot be more
specific in my criticism.

Good to see you back on Suck.

Evil Pippy

Miss Pippy:

I go for truth and
importance, not hip and
timely, as you know. And I
was really going after
anti-ad intellectuals, not
the ad men - they've got
quite the scam going there,
and it isn't hurting anyone
but "The Man," man, so more
power to 'em. (An observation
in my original ms.
analogizing the ad men's
successful sucking of
money-for-nothing for
corporate heads to Suck's
very existence was, wisely,
edited out.) Good to see you
back in my mailbox, too.


Fish With Letter Icon

Fish on Fish, For Our
Fishcentric Readers

In the 4/8 Fish:

"Keep in mind that
titillating memories such as
yours can lead to delusions
of grandeur regarding
otherwise worthless, crusty
frat boys."

Alpha Delt(a Phi) in this
context is actually a
theater-o-centric, co-ed
"literary society" at
wesleyan u.

but some of their members are

a tidbit for your files.

Samuel Effron

That makes sense, since
bellybutton-touching is much
more theater-o-centric than
typical frat boy activities.
"Were you the one who grabbed
my ass at that crowded,
barf-stained anchorman party
back in '94?"

Thanks for the useful
information. We'll file that
under "Crusty, Pretentious"
along with Eugen's comment
("I go for truth and
importance....") above.

Fish With Letter Icon

Stupid Hate Mail Day!

Polly You seem like one of
those pussy-sucking
30-days-a-month PMS bitches.
Your sitting there knocking
Equinox trying to sound smart
and in all reality you don't
know SHIT. You were right
about one thing when you
become an IMD, you don't do
shit. But, I bet I still get
paid a hell of a lot more for
not doing shit than You. Try

Chris Kriger

How'd you know I was a
pussy-sucking 30-days-a-month
PMS bitch?

Enough about the six-figure
income, I'm turning
positively green with envy.
If only I could make a
fortune tricking others into
peddling water filters, my
life would finally be
complete and I wouldn't have
to suck so much pussy!


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: YOU SUCK!


I read yer marijuana
thingamajig and I just want
to let you know that you guys
SUCK! If you are really
dope-smokers then you SUCK
about 10 times worse because
of your stupid, immature, and
uninformed pot jokes.... Why
don't you just go out of your
way to SUCK a little Fucking
Harder!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go
back to smoking crack you
asshole Frat-Rocking
Schmucks! Hahhhh!

The Tiny Dr. Tim MSVL/CdC NSF

Now that's the best advice
we've heard in weeks!

Frat Rockin' On!


Fish With Letter Icon


I've heard rumors around
campus that your rag is a
pro-socialist effort to
spread your communist
undertones through the minds
of this country's young
people. I believe that the
policy-makers at are
in fact nothing more than a
group of unsuccessful
capitalists that have
stumbled on to yet another
get-rich-quick scheme. Sure
it's free now, but what will
it cost once more than 15
people read it per week.
People like you have made a
mockery of the World Wide Web
and it's promise for
tomorrow. Using this format
to fill your wallets with
cash is appalling.
is a fitting name. YOU


Spreading communist
undertones! That doesn't
sound very dramatic. That's
like hinting quietly that
your subtext is
ever-so-slightly left of
center. Surely our good work
disseminating commie salvos
deserves more respect than

If Suck were a get-rich-quick
scheme, we all would've shot
ourselves in the head a long,
long time ago.


Fish With Letter Icon

What the fuck are you talking
about? Face it: The Baffler
shredded Your corporate
running dog lackey sponsor,
that piece of eye-destroying
neon shit called Wired, with
infinitely more intelligence
and prowess than I've yet
witnessed in this sad little
Web site. All of you are
going to roast in the pit of
terminal irony, with hip,
ironic demons jabbing you in
your wide, secretary-spread
asses while you watch Magnum
until it isn't funny
anymore, until you see it as
the sickening product of a
cultural wasteland that it
truly is. You'll never, ever
be able to stop vomiting.

Stick to Robert Downey Jr.
satires. At least that was
funny. You're in way over
your heads with this one. And
another thing, I'm sick of
you trying to brainwash me
with Nike symbols embedded in
your character's faces. Cut
it out. And get them some
pupils, for god's sake. They
look like the offspring of
Little Orphan Annie.

Lantz Hawthorne

P. S. The above does not apply
to Ambrose Beers. He at least
knows what team he's batting

Ooo, you insulted Wired. That
hurts, man!

Based on the sophistication of
your comments, our Nike
Brainwashing Program is truly

Exuberantly yours,


P. S. Magnum PI is always

Fish With Letter Icon


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