The Fish
for 20 April 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Drink Taster


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Me and My Shadow of Irony

I know I'll probably be
ridiculed beyond belief if
this makes the Fish, but who

Thank you so much for the
piece on Chris Holmes. As an
ex-resident of Chicago's Hyde
Park neighborhood, and once a
fringe member of the
University of Chicago's
'hipster' music scene, I'm
glad to see someone lambast
him unless I was completely
mistaken about the point of
the piece.

Frankly, I just got sick and
tired of everyone in the
music scene there worshipping
the man. I admit I bought
into it as well, for a time,
but after Yum-Yum's album
came out, I came to my
senses. I have played that
disc once, and only once. Hey
- he got a record contract.
Good for him. Now quit
sucking up, everyone, and
concentrate on making decent
music, fer chrissakes!

I liked Sabalon. I even liked
seeing Yum-Yum live. Hell, I
guess the music's not the
issue for me. I think I just
became tired of seeing
everyone toadie up to him and
inflating his ego. There were
plenty of better musicians
around, but I guess the biz
ain't about talent, is it?

Anyway, thanks for letting me

Name Omitted To Protect The Ridiculed

What business ~is~ about
talent, pray tell?

Fish With Letter Icon

Hey, just wanted to say that I
bought the Suck book and it's
great. It's also made me a
daily follower of your site.
I myself am a proud cynic
(though I do admit that
political scandals and
Titanic have made our
population a bit too
crowded.... That's a new one,
the cynic becoming a cynicist
toward cynicism). But,
anyway, you've got a great
site goin'. Keep up the good

M.C. Eccles

Yes, we're very cynical about
cynics becoming cynical
toward cynicism.

But thanks for buying the
book. We're proud that it
pleases proud cynics, as
cynical as we are about pride
and proud cynics and books
and your letter and our
response and everything

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Africa

You know Clinton said
something like "I see a lot
of intelligent faces out
there," to a crowd of
Africans? Like, what were you
expecting? Also my local
newspaper (the Philadelphia
) printed an
editorial defending the US'
propping up of Third World
dictators in Africa, once
more the rationale was the
"Soviet Threat".... Of
course, the pre-Bolshevik
rationales tended to revolve
around the natural
inferiority of the subject
population. One wonders just
HOW the rich will sell us on
their Third World terror
campaign next time a foriegn
nation gets a little too
uppity and thinks it has
independence, or national
determination or something.

Just who was the aggressor in
the cold war, anyway?

Joseph Hammerman

Clinton's comment was
understandable. Imagine the
sea of idiotic faces he has
to gaze at with feigned
benevolence while touring the



Fish With Letter Icon


Stupid Hate Mail Day!

Polly You seem like one of
those pussy-sucking
30-days-a-month PMS bitches.
Your sitting there knocking
Equinox trying to sound smart
and in all reality you don't
know SHIT. You were right
about one thing when you
become an IMD, you don't do
shit. But, I bet I still get
paid a hell of a lot more for
not doing shit than You. Try

Chris Kriger

How'd you know I was a
pussy-sucking 30-days-a-month
PMS bitch?

Enough about the six-figure
income, I'm turning
positively green with envy.
If only I could make a
fortune tricking others into
peddling water filters, my
life would finally be
complete and I wouldn't have
to suck so much pussy!


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: YOU SUCK!


I read yer marijuana
thingamajig and I just want
to let you know that you guys
SUCK! If you are really
dope-smokers then you SUCK
about 10 times worse because
of your stupid, immature, and
uninformed pot jokes.... Why
don't you just go out of your
way to SUCK a little Fucking
Harder!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go
back to smoking crack you
asshole Frat-Rocking
Schmucks! Hahhhh!

The Tiny Dr. Tim MSVL/CdC NSF

Now that's the best advice
we've heard in weeks!

Frat Rockin' On!


Fish With Letter Icon


I've heard rumors around
campus that your rag is a
pro-socialist effort to
spread your communist
undertones through the minds
of this country's young
people. I believe that the
policy-makers at are
in fact nothing more than a
group of unsuccessful
capitalists that have
stumbled on to yet another
get-rich-quick scheme. Sure
it's free now, but what will
it cost once more than 15
people read it per week.
People like you have made a
mockery of the World Wide Web
and it's promise for
tomorrow. Using this format
to fill your wallets with
cash is appalling.
is a fitting name. YOU


Spreading communist
undertones! That doesn't
sound very dramatic. That's
like hinting quietly that
your subtext is
ever-so-slightly left of
center. Surely our good work
disseminating commie salvos
deserves more respect than

If Suck were a get-rich-quick
scheme, we all would've shot
ourselves in the head a long,
long time ago.


Fish With Letter Icon

What the fuck are you talking
about? Face it: The Baffler
shredded Your corporate
running dog lackey sponsor,
that piece of eye-destroying
neon shit called Wired, with
infinitely more intelligence
and prowess than I've yet
witnessed in this sad little
Web site. All of you are
going to roast in the pit of
terminal irony, with hip,
ironic demons jabbing you in
your wide, secretary-spread
asses while you watch Magnum
until it isn't funny
anymore, until you see it as
the sickening product of a
cultural wasteland that it
truly is. You'll never, ever
be able to stop vomiting.

Stick to Robert Downey Jr.
satires. At least that was
funny. You're in way over
your heads with this one. And
another thing, I'm sick of
you trying to brainwash me
with Nike symbols embedded in
your character's faces. Cut
it out. And get them some
pupils, for god's sake. They
look like the offspring of
Little Orphan Annie.

Lantz Hawthorne

P. S. The above does not apply
to Ambrose Beers. He at least
knows what team he's batting

Ooo, you insulted Wired. That
hurts, man!

Based on the sophistication of
your comments, our Nike
Brainwashing Program is truly

Exuberantly yours,


P. S. Magnum PI is always

Fish With Letter Icon


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