The Fish
for 2 April 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Drink Taster


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Fish Reactions

I'm writing about Señor
Hammerm's comments in The
Fish on 18 March. I quote:

"The accusation that urban
hipsters adjust their
morality to meet their needs
(or wants) is immaterial,
because everyone does that."

I'm surprised you Sucksters
didn't take him to task for
saying this. Of course, Alan
Kornheiser has probably yet
to write you, so maybe there
will be a response soon....

Regardless, I am extremely
annoyed at the above
sentiment. It seems an
all-pervading idea today that
no human being has one shred
of genuine morality. More and
more I see this popping up:
that no one is willing to
take a stand, that morality
and ethics are only temporary
postures or accessories, used
like fashionable clothing to
impress other people, and
then to be thrown out as "so
2,000 years ago."

Well dammit, I intend to keep
my integrity. I intend not to
compromise my morality. I may
change my mind, I may come to
realizations that some things
are wrong that I once
believed were right (because
it is equally wrong to hold
on to untruths out of foolish
pride), but one thing is
certain: I am not going to
sway with every piece of
public opinion, and I am not
going to compromise myself
for temporary pleasures or

You or others may call me
naive or childlike; if you
do, then that is a blessing
to me.

I'll see you in eternal life,

Timothy Tolle (Valis Luminoso)

Whoa, Nellie. We were right
there with you, up until the
"eternal life" part.

In our experience, urban
hipsters adjust their
morality to meet their needs
much more often than their
older, wiser, lower-key, more
sensitive counterparts do.
Maybe we should call them
"urban youngsters" instead,
since it's not the hipness
that makes them pure trouble.

Certainly a total vacuum of
integrity is hideous and all
too common, but there's a lot
of integrity out there, too,
and it takes some real
integrity to find it.

But now we're speaking in our
self-righteous tone, which
really isn't very becoming.

Urban, Youngish, Not-so Hip,


Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run

Hey all!

Been a big fan since the
beginning. I was a tad
disappointed to see you guys
not tee off on Gates in
today's Hit & Run. The new
commercials did seem like
they were softening up Bill,
but I can't help but be more
cynical. For some arcane
reason, I remember an
interview or story talking
about how much Billy hated
golf. Supposedly he sees
the game as a waste of time,
but could, in theory, be
dragged kicking and screaming
onto the links to help out
his sales staff.

So, I wonder, if Bill has gone
against himself and begun to
actually like golf - in spite
of hating it - does this make
him some kind of capitalist
Nietzschean superman remaking
himself in the postmodern
moment? Zarathustra coming
off his mount to give wisdom
to the masses?

Perhaps we need a new
appreciation for Gates.


P. S. How long do you actually
have to keep the crack
inhaled before you're called
"iron lungs"?

No one will ever let up on
Gates and no one needs us (of
all people) to speak out
against him. He's got plenty
good anti-fan clubs as it is.
Frankly, we're just haunted
by the image of him just
after his encounter with that
cream pie, looking shaken and
pitiful. Maybe he should
forsake the good-guy-golfer
ads for some footage of the
cream-pie incident. Because,
let's face it, the richest
man in the world doesn't win
points by looking friendly,
but he could win our sympathy
by looking pathetic.

Or by smoking crack, for that
matter. Look what good it did
for Marion Barry. Not to
mention us.

Fish With Letter Icon


Filler: When Techno-Love Dies

Don't dis Pascal! If it wasn't
for strongly typed,
structured languages, we
wouldn't have "the Web."
Besides, Object Pascal is
still used by Delphi, a damn
fine application builder from


Um, OK. No more dissing
Pascal, I promise.


Fish With Letter Icon

I consider myself up on
cynical words - being quite a
cynic myself - but suddenly
feel out of the loop when
reading Filler archives. What
does "piss boy" mean? I've
come across it so many times
but still don't have a
working definition for it.
I'd appreciate your help.


A piss boy is a male,
preferably somewhat
attractive, with springy leg
muscles for leaping up and
doing one's bidding at a
moment's notice. This term
can either refer to a male
executive's assistant, or to
an attractive male that a
strong-minded woman keeps
around for ease of living.
The latter sense of the word
is obviously somewhat
whimsical, used mostly to
demean men and make them feel
cheap and dirty.

Important: A good piss boy
always knows exactly how you
like your latté. Deluxe
piss boys, also known
as house boys, are more highly
paid for their knowledge of
deep-muscle massage,
psychotherapy, cookie baking,
and radical feminist theory.
Naturally such house boys
have an extremely low
turnover rate, and are
impossible to find.

However, mention the existence
of such specialists to a
relatively unskilled piss boy
(or just a regular man who
needs to feel cheap and
dirty), and you'll invariably
encounter hostility, followed
closely by an increase in his
commitment to quality
service. Mysterious


Fish With Letter Icon

Once again you seem to be
right on top of the
collective consciousness.
Almost scary how you do that.
Are you psychic?

Todd M. McGuinness


Lose the Hush Puppies. They
look ridiculous on you.


Fish With Letter Icon


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