The Fish
for 30 March 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Drink Taster


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Err Travel

I got a chuckle out of "Err
Travel," especially the bit
about the salesman who has
been coming to the Wal-Mart
home office for 10 years and
has never seen the town

It just so happens that my
law office is on the square
in Bentonville, and to be
quite honest, I don't
particularly give a damn if
the guy sees the square or
not (unless he needs legal
assistance and wants to float
me gobs of dough). Why? Well,
it just so happens that the
former ice cream shop is now
the Sam Walton Museum. Every
tourist has to come see this
museum; in the process, the
downtown area becomes
unbearingly congested with
buses, cameras, and people
wandering around
higgledy-piggledy. It's a bit
insane. Frankly, it's
downright irritating, and it
detracts from what would
otherwise be a pretty nice
little town square. Tourist
attraction and town square.
Can they coexist? Should

So, if the guy in the story
wanted to see the square, he
should've already done so. I
don't care to be irritated
any more than I already am.

Brian Burke

The Sam Walton Museum? Why
hasn't anyone told me about
this before? I would have
been there a long, long time

I'm wondering what this
"museum" could possibly be
like. And it hurts.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Sure 'nuff, a "theme issue"
like the Times mag you
mention is bound to be its
own little ecosystem of
self-fulfilling back-patting.
And is it just me or has the
NY Times mag followed the
(Tina's) New Yorker's lead in
becoming a themed
extravaganza ... like we all
want to read a Very Special
Issue jam-packed with stories
about California, or
Headaches, or different kinds
of onions, or whatever ("Oh,
look, honey! William Safire's
column is on the derivation
of the phrase 'green onion'
and there's an interview with
Paul Prudhomme!") Sigh.
Anyhow, thanks for the witty
writing to brighten my
otherwise dull work day.

:-) Mim (who moved to
Portland, Oregon, from NYC 3
years ago but can't cut the
cord completely and pays thru
the nose for Times delivery)

Over on the other coast, the
LA Times Sunday magazine once
did an entire theme issue on
the leading personalities ...
of the television business.
Long profile on Aaron
Spelling, things like that.
So it could be worse.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Since I'm not a writer by
trade, I probably won't be
able to eloquently express
myself, so just a humble
"Nice writing" will have to

Content will be what
differentiates content
providers and the following
is an example of why you will
be around.

"We are, it seems, living on
the whole world rather than
in it, skipping off other
cultures like stones off of
water and thinking that we've
mastered them."

Dale Dunning

Thanks for the kind thought.
When The Man comes to pull
the plug, we will hold him
off with a shouted: "But
we've got the content, man!"

Hope it works.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

	TV Is God

Your piece was brilliant and
very much true. It's sad that
television has been reduced
to shows like Searching for
Justice with Fred Goldman.

It's even sadder that people
will actually watch the show.
Because if some people watch
mindless drivel (like When
Animals Attack
), you know
that we (the viewing public)
will watch anything. Maybe
someday there will come a
time when television
executives will actually
decide to produce only
quality TV shows. But when
shows like Jerry Springer are
on the air, that day seems
less and less likely to come.


Thanks for your note. As you
say, we seem to get what we
ask for, on a collective
level. Unfortunately, that's
not a very flattering
statement about American
tastes, and it makes me want
to buy one of those tacky
satellite dishes, so I can
watch Norwegian broadcasts of
ski racing all day long.

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

I agree totally. TV has
surpassed the "annoying"
stage and is rapidly
approaching insulting. Jerry
should be run over
(perhaps several times?) by a
herd of vengeful dromedaries.
Then kicked. Repeatedly.

Damn it. Now I'm all sweaty.

Never fear, however. TV may
be God, but that particular
deity is going the way of the
<insert favorite annoying now-extinct monkey here>. Soon it'll be Jerry-Online!
Then we can all sit around
masturbating in non public
rooms, to the tune of
"Alaskan prostitutes and the
sleds they love."

Technology rules.

So does Godzilla.

Godzilla would kick
Technology's ass because
Technology doesn't have

Remember that. It's vital.

Take it easy....


You said: Technology doesn't
have flame-breath.

Not yet! But here at Suck
Laboratories we're working on
the world's first olfactory
plug-in. The first order of
business is to create aroma
content: you know, fish,
smoking gun, etc. The remote
flamethrower will be next.
Contrary to the popular
saying, you should - by all
means - hold your breath.
Thanks a lot for your note.
Yes, Godzilla's days may be
numbered. But he still, in
fact, rules.

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

Hey, sports fans: It's time
for a rousing game of "My
humor's better than your
humor." The rules are rather
simple. Watch (or glance at)
an episode or two of any
given show (in this case,
Ellen). If you don't happen
to find it particularly
amusing, immediately label it
boring. For everyone. Always.
Leave no room for
interpretation. What's funny
to you is good comedy; what's
funny to women, progressives,
lesbians - sorry, that's just
an exercise in tedious
identity politics.

It comes down to this: Varied
experiences yield vastly
different senses of humor.
Belching, fat jokes, and
attacks on marginalized
people don't tend to tickle
my funnybone, so I have
limited viewing options. I
do happen to find Ellen
(and Cybil, and Xena, and Buffy, and
Living Single, and The
and Grace Under
and others) not only
intelligently written but
honestly funny. Ellen is
about the same things that
Seinfeld has always been
about - a whole lot of
nothing that goes on in
people's everyday lives.
Except that Seinfeld's
nothing is straight nothing,
and Ellen's nothing is queer
nothing. The writing is just
as strong, the focus is just
shifted. If you don't find it
funny, don't watch. But don't
label it tedious simply
because it falls outside of
your experience. Suck is
generally more astute than

Jenn Pozner

Anyway, thanks again
for your note.

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

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