The Fish
for 24 March 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Drink Taster


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Filler: Personal Style

Your contributor forgot these book titles:

The Suckhead (with
posthumously published
forward by Ayn Rand),
Suckanetics, Filler for Fun
and Profit, Everything You
Ever Wanted to Know about
Suck But Were Afraid to Ask,

John Grisham's The Suckster,
and the upcoming computer
game, Where in Filler Is
Carmen Sandiego?

Steve Anichini

P. S. Today's Filler was brilliance.

Speaking of
Everything You Ever Wanted to
Know about Suck

Dear Sucksters:

Reading Suck has
become a daily ritual for me.
I enjoy your caustic
commentary so much that I
often find myself looking
through the archives to see
what morsels of spite I may
have missed. Although I find
this orgy of cynicism a quite
satisfying diversion, I find
that I usually feel dirty
afterward. I also find myself
wondering whether the Suck o'
the day was written to amuse
people like me or to make fun
of people like me. Basically
then I feel shitty until the
fresh Suck arrives and I
restart the vicious cycle.

Keep up the good work, J.

J. Lewis

P. S. Please try to
incorporate MORE 2-by-2
matrixes (e.g., the
Shiny/Useful chart). I find
them useful reference
material for making snap
judgments about others.

If you feel dirty right after
you read Suck, just imagine
how dirty we feel all the time!

To answer your
question, though: Suck is
written to make fun of people
like you.

But we wouldn't
know how to make fun of
people like you if we weren't
people like you. So, you see,
we're all laughing together,
at ourselves. Ha ha ha. We're
so stupid. Only we're
laughing at you a little bit
louder, secretly, under our
breath. Ha ha ha. You're so stupid.

We're also laughing
at how mean we are. Ha ha ha.
We're real jerks.

But we admire your thirst for snap
judgments. More charts on the
way - in the meantime, you
might try building a healthy
resentment for Dawson's
Creek, Significant Others,

and everyone at the Oscars
wearing a dress priced at
over US$5,000. Bonus Snap
Judgment Topic du Jour:
What's with the recent
embrace of Filthy Excess,
anyway? (Discuss amongst

Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run

Thank you for calling me "normally
effusive." I thought I was
abnormally so. And let me
tell you one thing - I wash
bottles for fun, not profit!

Seriously ... I never got
your email that you spoke
about in Thursday's column
... or else I would have
responded in kind.

Yours, and
unemployed, and happily
living in Los Angeles....

Dan Koeppel
P. S. Got any filthy
bottles over there that need
scrubbing? I'll wear my
cutest apron.

As a matter of
fact, we do! Piles of 'em.

Is that apron gingham by any

Fish With Letter Icon
Appearance and Stuff

First of all, remember that
email about how fat people
don't live very long? Well,
some guy gave me an address
for where he posted a photo
of his old, fat father. If
you wanna check it out go to and
look under "backgrounds."

Physical appearance is good
for one thing: getting laid.
I don't know about your
priorities, but in the scheme
of things, for me, this is
fairly low.....

Anyway, following your logic, you
wanna steal shit, so don't
lie to yourself; become a thief.

I just meant that no
real relationship is
predicated on this (which
reminds me: I was watching
Titanic and I forgot that
their relationship was
predicated on love at first
sight. So I was like, how
much of a relationship could
these two people really have?
Lust denied just doesn't tear
at the heart strings).

Master X

Uh, we hate to sound like
Dr. Drew, but fat affects a
person beyond physical
appearance. Naturally, we're
not talking about people who
are 5 pounds overweight or
just not model-anorexic. But
being obese is horrible for
your health. Any doctor on
the face of the planet will agree.

However, we're glad
you've found proof that
there's at least one fat guy
who lived to a ripe old age.
There's also at least one
chainsmoking, doughnut-eating,
heavy drinker who
lived past 100. But take a
stroll through a hospital
sometime and count how many
of the people under 40 are
massively overweight.

Prejudice against fat people
is common and despicable. But
don't kid yourself about the
health risks of being

Fish With Letter Icon

Tuning Fork

Hey Fish,
Sorry to see you've
been woefully suckered in by
those anarcho-socialist
one-hit-wonder wannabes
Chumbawamba. After suddenly
striking the big time with
"Tubthumping," it looks like
they don't know how to keep
themselves there. So, do they:

a) release an awfully
tacky new record as soon as
possible to feed off their fame


b) try to keep
themselves in the limelight
by semi-amusing media japes
under the cover of making a
vague political statement?

"Frenzied whirlwind or media
attention"? More like a storm
in a teacup.

Fact is, the
ChumbaChumps are so used to
being laughed at by the world
that they have absolutely no
idea what to do with their
newfound fame, and it's
understandable: Anarcho-socialism
as an ideal is all
well and good but Karl Marx
never had a hit record did
he? What do they do now???
Suddenly people are taking
notice and the embarrassing
truth is coming out:
Chumbawumba and a bunch of
ex-politics students are
rebelling against "the
system" and playing really
bad music. They whine about
not getting recognition from
the British press. That's
because they were a bunch of
arses for 15 years and now
that they've had
"Tubthumping," they'll be arses
for 15 more.

Chumbawamba should have stayed in the
'80s along with the rest of
the Young Ones. We laughed at
Rik then and we're laughing
at them now ...

Have a better one


really hit a nerve with you,

Fish With Letter Icon

Two months ago Maximum
published a
segment of a 10-year-old
interview with Chumbawumba
wherein they stated they
would never "sell out" or
sign to a major label -
needless to say Max RnR was
having a goof over the band's
eventual signing and was
having a self-righteous
laugh over the whole thing,
as it has done with countless
other bands who haven't met
its rigid standards. Keep in
mind that Max RnR stopped
covering Chumbawumba's new
releases when they released
an album of old English
socialist-leaning folk
songs, which apparently
didn't fit into its
definition of "punk" - if it
weren't for the major label
signing, it may never have
written about the band again.

It's quite obvious that the
members of Chumbawumba know
that this is a one-off deal -
no band member expecting to
develop a long-term career
performs on The Tonight Show
wearing a T-shirt saying
"one-hit wonder" - and
although I'm a little
disappointed that the message
of the song was so oblique
(an inevitable sacrifice made
to appeal to a
non-politicized majority of
the listening public, I
suppose), it does make for a
fascinating gambit, opening
up many questions about
whether it is still possible
to effect change through a
medium so constricted and
co-opted as the music
industry. Let's face it, even
during the fabled
breakthrough of the punk
movement, the big music execs
never completely lost control
of what made it to the major
media outlets, otherwise the
Ramones would have taken over
the mantle of reigning "Best
Band in the World" from the
Rolling Stones back in 1979
as they should have. In a
way, it's quite remarkable
that Chumbawumba have been
able to get away with this
much and have made this much
headway into the marketplace.

As for this struggle that you
mentioned in your article
over "reinforcing the meaning
of what is sung," etc., etc.,
it is a noble concept, but
like most leftist (or more
correctly, leftish) ideals it
is too idealistic to be
carried through in actual
practice. On the other hand,
like many leftist concepts,
it is worth fighting for
nonetheless, not unlike Neil
Young's battle over corporate
tour sponsors a few years
back - it needs to be fought
even though the outcome is
all but inevitable. Neil
Young recently admitted on
Muchmusic (Canada's more
modernist, and incidentally,
more cost-effective answer to
MTV) that "we" had lost "that
fight over corporate
sponsorship" ... but what a
fight it was, eh?

Anyway, great article. Keep it up.

Dave KCB
Toronto, Ontario

So you're accusing us
of publishing noble concepts,
ones that are too idealistic
to be practical?

Now this is a first.

Fish With Letter Icon

I am interested in
Suck's opinion of the readers
who choose to contribute. For
example, just for fun,
wouldn't you like to reply to
many commentaries with
something like, "Thanks for
taking the time to let us
know how you feel, but that
idea is basically shitty, and
no one cares what you think
or how verbose you can be"?

I think Suck is hilarious, but
I am afraid that I may be the
only reader who doesn't take
himself, and the world in
general, too seriously.

Too many readers want to just be
heard, and don't have
anything to say. One thing
that truly sucks about Suck
is that you put down
everything. What's the big
fucking deal? Granted, it is
hilarious, but relax a little
bit and it would be even funnier.

Take it easy, and
keep up the excellent work.

By the way, I suck and I am
an idiot, and you don't care
what I think.

HA! Beat you to
it! Thanks for the laughs,
Patrick Kahney

We don't put
down everything. We're
idealistic and noble. Get
with it, you stupid dummy.

Fish With Letter Icon

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