The Fish
for 12 March 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Drink Taster


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


I'm just a pseudo-linguist,
but wouldn't number four be
funnier if bachelor number
one spoke of bachelors dos and tres instead of
uno and dos? Or is it part of
the joke that he's no cunning
linguist either? Or is this
one of those
in-the-third-person things?

P. S.: Miss Wiffleworth says
that the lower-left-hand icon
should be "Previous Page,"
not "Last Page." She also
says not to start a sentence
with "and" or "or," but Ned
don't pay her no nevermind on
that subject.

Ned Kittlitz

Re: the bachelors - The panel
was designed to have a number
of possible interpretations,
Ned. Your failure to choose
one decisively indicates a
fundamental flaw in your
psyche, which your subsequent
reference to the phantom Miss
Wiffleworth only accentuates.

Our assessment: seek help.

St. Huck

Fish With Letter Icon

I'm viewing your cartoon
balloons from a 19-inch TV
screen, and they are too
small to read. I don't wear
glasses and my opthomologist
tells me I have normal
vision. With no cartoons, the
colomn if great. Though, at
times, The verbal garbage
becames a bit overwelming.

VTU, Richard

Maybe you should get a bigger


Fish With Letter Icon

Gas Mask

Subject: Teenage wasteland

Other than my instinctive
reaction to disagree with
everything you write just for
the sake of a good argument,
I honestly think there are
two legitimate criticisms one
can make of your fine

1. It really is dangerous in
the Gulf. Even if nobody
shoots back (and somebody
will shoot back), taking off
and landing and just flying
around carriers is inherently
risky. In 'Nam, medical tests
showed that pilots were
actually more scared when
landing on their carriers
than when making bomb runs.
And don't forget John Glenn's
crack about what it was like
being in the space program:
"Sitting on 10 million parts,
all of which were sold by the
lowest bidder." These guys
are flying with several tons
of Bang, all of which was
made by the lowest bidder.
It's scary. Let them crow a

2. Our policy toward Iraq in
particular, and the Middle
East in general, is lousy,
full of contradictions,
morally inept, and very
confused. The technical term
for this situation is "life."
We are not responsible for
all of it; most of the
problems result from the
behavior of somebody else. We
are doing the best we can
(OK, we're doing a lot less
than the best we can), with
what we have. Perhaps it's
time to come to the
realization that not
everything that goes wrong is
our fault. Not everything
that breaks can be fixed. Not
all problems have neat

These are the lessons
children must learn to become
adults; not all learn them.
Maybe it's time we learned
them as a nation.

This isn't a criticism of
your analysis, which is
accurate and effective. And,
most certainly, it isn't a
plea for us to "trust our
leaders." It's just a
suggestion that maybe the
world can't be fixed by even
the best zine column.

Alan Kornheiser

But there's no disagreement,

In re: "Even if nobody shoots
back (and somebody will shoot
back), taking off and landing
and just flying around
carriers is inherently
risky," note that I wrote,
and emphasis added, here:
"One suspects that the
sailors, being highly
disciplined professionals and
well accustomed to getting
their work done in an
atmosphere of real and
persistent danger,
this." The point was simply
that the added danger that
would come from shooting at
Iraq didn't rise to the level
of drama that the newspapers
took it to.

In re: "Not everything that
goes wrong is our fault. Not
everything that breaks can be
fixed. Not all problems have
neat solutions," I would have
to say that 1) I agree, and
2) it's our effort to "fix"
the world - arming Iraq to
fix Iran, for example - that
makes things worse,
sometimes. I think the very
problem here (recently, in
addition to the arming Iraq
thing) is that the Clinton
administration has been
trying to sell a picture of
"neat solutions," of firm
posturing being a real
solution to something more

I must go fix the world, now.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Filler: Hate Mail

I always love Filler ...
(although when Terry goes on
vacation, my love is sorely
tested), but you guys pulled
an absolute coup! The Henny
Youngman of the '90s? So hip!
So fresh! So shockingly
relevant! Did you guys
"arrange an accident" to
fluff your hit counter?

Keep up the good Suck....

Colin Campbell

That was a bizarre
coincidence, actually - I
wrote that timely headline
over a week before Mr.
Youngman's untimely death.
Shocking, yes. Hip and fresh,
maybe not.


Fish With Letter Icon

Wednesday's column was such a
piece of work. I was
compelled to write this note
and tell you so. Screw those
whiny half-wits who can't get
the humor. You want me to
kill 'em for ya? Huh? Huh? Or
I'll kill someone else if you

Uh. Anyway.

Nice to see I'm not alone in
The Land of the Flinchys (in
fact, it's getting kind of
crowded in here). And I was
so in love with Freddie that
when he died (on my birthday,
no less) I spent the next two
weeks, non-stop, eulogizing
the guy by making a massive
poster comprised of about 20
images from various points in
his career.

Well, that was a tangent.
Sorry. I'll go now.

Rev. Phobrek Taz

You may be among a large
population of Mr. Flinchys,
but only approximately 12
percent of that population
openly admits its admiration
for Freddie Mercury. Consider
yourself special!

Tangent-Friendly and Mr.
Flinchy-Free for More Than
Six Years,

Fish With Letter Icon

I only wish I were so lucky
to be picked on PERSONALLY in
a weekly Filler. Maybe if I
become a pretentious
ignoramus, who is neither
able to read between the
lines nor capable of picking
up on visual symbology, then
maybe you'd notice this
little prick that writes you
almost daily. Let's see ...
I'll give it a try! - "Hello,
my 'handle' is a trendy play
on words placed before an @
sign. I don't like your brand
of humor. It offends my
intellect, yet I never seem
to understand. It makes me
want to watch Comedy Central
for some quality sarcasm. Not
to mention your site is hard
to read on my WebTV."

Cylindrical Meat Product
- How was that? Can I
be in the Fish now?

Tristan Tomaselli

Just keep talking about
cylindrical meat products,
and you'll keep getting

Polly Esther and Terry Colon,
Visual Symbologists

Fish With Letter Icon

You wrote: "I'm glad to see
that there may, in fact, be a
strong market for EZ Suck:
Less of Deep Thinking
." As
the self-proclaimed center of
the Less of Deep Thinking
Movement, I can think
(shallowly) of nothing better
than a book of Filler.

That's a fine idea, but
you've got the name all
wrong. "EZ Suck"? Suck has
never catered to the horny
adolescent/sexual appliance
demographic, and you don't
want to start now.

The Book of Filler has a nice
biblical ring, but you should
probably stick with the
leaders in this market and go
with Suck for Dummies.
Alternately, The Complete
Idiot's Guide to Suck
has a
nice ring to it. Teach
Yourself Suck
potential, and you can always
fall back on Mavis Beacon
Teaches Suck,
if the other
titles have been taken.

Best of luck on your new
publishing venture.

Is Mavis Beacon available?

I love her - she taught me
how to type!


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Filler - bleagh

Your Wednesday Filler is
boring and not funny - dump
it. Whoever does it should
check out the opportunities
in hairdressing.

The other days are usually
pretty good.

Clifford Cary

Clifford! How'd you know
about my secret interest in

I'd listen to you and apply
to colorist school, but I
stopped taking advice from
big red dogs years ago.

More Boring and Less Funny
Than Ever, Polly

Fish With Letter Icon

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