The Fish
for 5 March 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Drink Taster


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Supply, Demand, Craziness,

I'm afraid you would actually
witness a distressing decline
in crazed pizza-delivery
persons. If there were, in
fact, an increased demand,
who's to stop this
entrepreneuring group from
unionizing or at the very
least refusing to deliver
said pizzas unless they
receive contracts, benefits,
and 401(K)s? Ralph: Listen
and listen good, if we allow
marijuana (mj) use to go
unlegalized we could be faced
with severe inflation of
pizza acquisition costs - no
more two larges with three
toppings for US$8!! The
writing's on the wall - you
said it yourself!

Back on the board with one
good reason to legalize the
damned drug.


Mmmeg. That was good. Write
to us more often.

Fish With Letter Icon

Filler: Couples to Avoid

As life (mine) progresses, or
at least seems to vibrate
toward advancing years, the
tendency to become jaded gets
stronger. Then I encounter
cynical and witty
observations on dating and
mating, made by persons I
(ashamedly) sometimes think
of as "kids," that not only
strikes a resonant key in me,
but also just plain amuses

Hmm, maybe there is a common
thread within humanity; maybe
the isolation is only a
construct of a myopic


Group hug?

Dave (of Iowa)

P. S. Betting you declined on
the hug (good call), keep up
the good work anyway.

We are kids, kind of. Young
enough to avoid group hugs,
at any rate.

But it's good to know we
could improve an old guy's
outlook on humanity. However,
we're fearful of this
increasing jadedness you
speak of. We can't get much
more jaded, Dave.

Maybe we do need that group
hug after all.

Fish With Letter Icon

Polly. Really good stuff!

I believe that the Mr.
Fucking Cool and Fashion
Victim's date took place at
Coffee Shop in New York City.
In the booth in the corner,
by the front window ... in
September 1991. French toast.
She had Avocado Vinaigrette
in a pocket.

I was there.


Did you marry her, or did you
just wait on the two of them
that day?

Fish With Letter Icon

Heavy Medal

Subject: Skinner is God

My roommate seems to have
been offended by your hasty
generalizations concerning
snowboarders, but that is
because he is a weak-ass
snowboarder with a cheesy
goatee and a chained wallet,
and all weak-ass snowboarders
with cheesy goatees and
chained wallets are easily
offended. Why haven't I heard
of Suck before? Do you mind
if I pass your columns along
to English instructors or
post them on local
billboards? Do you have a
powerful religious
organization funding you? Is
there a Suck shrine I can
visit to worship on a regular
basis? What is skinner? Like
The Business/OI!-type
Skinner? Like the
beer-swilling skinhead slob
from that Suburbia movie?
Have you ever thought of
running for office? Ever been
in the military? Ever been to

I am a humble servant. Long
live Skinner! Long live Suck!
Death to the


We are a powerful religious
organization. Send a great
deal of money, and we'll tell
you more.

Fish With Letter Icon

Hate Mail from Harvard

Subject: Harvard, grades,

Oh great purveyors of
magnificent and clever

It might help if you actually
read letters before slamming
them. In a response to my
letter on the dating filler,
you wrote "maybe declining
SAT scores point to the fact
that high school students
today have too much
self-respect to take a
vocabulary and geometry test
too seriously, let alone
treat it as a true measure of
intelligence." Absolutely
nowhere in my letter did I
mention the words "true
intelligence." I said SATs
measured "scholastic
aptitude," which they do, at
least in the context of
today's warped education
system. You hip sucksters
might also be surprised to
learn that not all students
who do well think that a
person's grades really make
much of a difference in life.
And when you say that today's
high school students don't
take SATs seriously, you make
me wonder if you've ever
actually met a high school
student applying to college.

Suck bites.


Absolutely nowhere in our
response to your letter did
we say that high school
students today shouldn't
prepare for the SATs if they
want to go to college. We
were advising today's high
schools students not to take
their SAT test results too
seriously. We know very well
that many kids who do well on
the SATs practically get
their scores tattooed on
their foreheads, while kids
who don't do well march
around proclaiming themselves

What you said in your letter:
"I can attest that frequency
of dating decreases as the
square of the inverse of
academic aptitude. This might
be why each generation has
lower SAT scores - the high
scorers never breed." Your
mention of SAT scores at all
seems suspect. But you're
right in one way: Those whom
you label high scorers (who
clearly can't keep their
scores to themselves, to be
labeled as such) probably
don't get laid all that
often. Thus, frequency of
dating decreases as the
square of the inverse of
false pride.

You're not so bad, Josiah.
We're just a wee bit
prejudiced against Harvard
students. In our experience,
they're absolute champions of
false pride. (This sweeping
statement based on a subject
pool of approximately eight.)
We like the charming jabs of
your letter, the way you hint
that we're not educated and
never acquainted with the
college-bound. You're not
doing much to diminish our
prejudices, unfortunately.

But we don't mean to harass
you unduly. We get paid to be
this way. You seem nice
enough. Forgive us!

Fish With Letter Icon

Hip Hip Hooray

Subject: Hipster doofus
desires portrait.

If I sent you a picture of
myself and asked REALLY
REALLY nice, could I get
Terry Colon to do a picture
of me? Or better yet, a
contest to see who gets a
portrait from Terry!!!! Yeah!
But I still get a free
picture for suggesting it.
C'mon, you know it sounds
like a whole lot of fun!

P. S. - I'm really freaky
lookin', so Terry would have
a lot to work with.

Patrick D. Oltraver

Send us a picture, and Terry
might do it. Enclosing a
US$50 check and an 8-by-11
SASE is sure to increase your

Fish With Letter Icon

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