The Fish
for 4 March 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Drink Taster


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Heavy Medal

Subject: Skinner is God

My roommate seems to have
been offended by your hasty
generalizations concerning
snowboarders, but that is
because he is a weak-ass
snowboarder with a cheesy
goatee and a chained wallet,
and all weak-ass snowboarders
with cheesy goatees and
chained wallets are easily
offended. Why haven't I heard
of Suck before? Do you mind
if I pass your columns along
to English instructors or
post them on local
billboards? Do you have a
powerful religious
organization funding you? Is
there a Suck shrine I can
visit to worship on a regular
basis? What is skinner? Like
The Business/OI!-type
Skinner? Like the
beer-swilling skinhead slob
from that Suburbia movie?
Have you ever thought of
running for office? Ever been
in the military? Ever been to

I am a humble servant. Long
live Skinner! Long live Suck!
Death to the


We are a powerful religious
organization. Send a great
deal of money, and we'll tell
you more.

Fish With Letter Icon

Hate Mail from Harvard

Subject: Harvard, grades,

Oh great purveyors of
magnificent and clever

It might help if you actually
read letters before slamming
them. In a response to my
letter on the dating filler,
you wrote "maybe declining
SAT scores point to the fact
that high school students
today have too much
self-respect to take a
vocabulary and geometry test
too seriously, let alone
treat it as a true measure of
intelligence." Absolutely
nowhere in my letter did I
mention the words "true
intelligence." I said SATs
measured "scholastic
aptitude," which they do, at
least in the context of
today's warped education
system. You hip sucksters
might also be surprised to
learn that not all students
who do well think that a
person's grades really make
much of a difference in life.
And when you say that today's
high school students don't
take SATs seriously, you make
me wonder if you've ever
actually met a high school
student applying to college.

Suck bites.


Absolutely nowhere in our
response to your letter did
we say that high school
students today shouldn't
prepare for the SATs if they
want to go to college. We
were advising today's high
schools students not to take
their SAT test results too
seriously. We know very well
that many kids who do well on
the SATs practically get
their scores tattooed on
their foreheads, while kids
who don't do well march
around proclaiming themselves

What you said in your letter:
"I can attest that frequency
of dating decreases as the
square of the inverse of
academic aptitude. This might
be why each generation has
lower SAT scores - the high
scorers never breed." Your
mention of SAT scores at all
seems suspect. But you're
right in one way: Those whom
you label high scorers (who
clearly can't keep their
scores to themselves, to be
labeled as such) probably
don't get laid all that
often. Thus, frequency of
dating decreases as the
square of the inverse of
false pride.

You're not so bad, Josiah.
We're just a wee bit
prejudiced against Harvard
students. In our experience,
they're absolute champions of
false pride. (This sweeping
statement based on a subject
pool of approximately eight.)
We like the charming jabs of
your letter, the way you hint
that we're not educated and
never acquainted with the
college-bound. You're not
doing much to diminish our
prejudices, unfortunately.

But we don't mean to harass
you unduly. We get paid to be
this way. You seem nice
enough. Forgive us!

Fish With Letter Icon

Hip Hip Hooray

Subject: Hipster doofus
desires portrait.

If I sent you a picture of
myself and asked REALLY
REALLY nice, could I get
Terry Colon to do a picture
of me? Or better yet, a
contest to see who gets a
portrait from Terry!!!! Yeah!
But I still get a free
picture for suggesting it.
C'mon, you know it sounds
like a whole lot of fun!

P. S. - I'm really freaky
lookin', so Terry would have
a lot to work with.

Patrick D. Oltraver

Send us a picture, and Terry
might do it. Enclosing a
US$50 check and an 8-by-11
SASE is sure to increase your

Fish With Letter Icon

Heavy Medal


If you really wanted to get
the groove of snowboarding
and the Olympics, you should
have checked out SOL's love
coverage of the games in

Then you wouldn't have had to
ask so many questions.

Oh well, the best never get



I'd be interested to know
what all your SOL buds think
about the behind-the-scenes
FIS/IOC skirmish behind Reb's

The rumor, of course, is that
the FIS went to bat for
snowboarders to help out in
the credibility department -
something they've lacked
pretty badly among boarders,
since the IOC seems to have
brushed aside the FIS.

Rock on -
E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

FIS would never go to bat for
snowboarders. FIS and IOC are
the same. They share two of
seven board members. You
think they operate
independently? Not for a

The IOC was wrong. That's why
they gave the medal back. And
the only reason they took it
was to blacken snowboarding's
reputation. They are afraid
of snowboarding. Both FIS and
IOC see snowboarding as
something they can't and will
never be able to control.

Here's what I thought before
the medal was returned:
event_id=10&c ontent_id=1

It was nice to see you guys
following snowboarding. I was
just bummed not to be linked,
since we are the Number 1
snowboard site on the Web.

Lee Crane

Thanks for the information,

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Did ya see the SNL

The SNL skit of the medal
fiasco was some funny stuff.

Jason's list of why
snowboarding sucks: 1.
snowboarding is mastered
within a month, whereas
skiing is a lifetime sport
offering up challenge after
challenge to those willing to
work to improve, 2.
comparatively, snowboarding
is slow, and 3. skiers get poles.

Hung Nghiep Duong


Fish With Letter Icon

Why on earth did you take the
time to write such a
pointless piece of drivel
("Heavy Medal")? This is a
heads-up for ya: No one gives
a shit about the Olympics.
Heads-up #2: Your smarminess
is friggin' BORING, and your
ignorant posturing serves no
useful purpose. Know what I
mean? Did a skateboarder run
over your puppy dog? Did a
snowboarder steal your
girlfriend? Did a stoner cut
in front of you in line at
Spinelli's? These are
rhetorical questions, but I
suggest that the folks who
read your article may be
pondering them.... Why?
Because though your asides
are apparently meant to be
funny ("dirt-bag
skateboarding origins"), they
come off instead as rather
bizarre. Next time try
writing about something that
you LIKE and perhaps it will
make sense to somebody.

Sincerely, Scott Hamilton

Thanks for taking the time to

As you know from being a
longtime Suck reader, our
solemn mission is often to do
nothing more than be smug and
ignorant. To paraphrase PBS,
if Suck doesn't suck, then
who will?

Saying what you mean is
strictly verboten (we get
paid way too much to stoop to
such "journalistic" tactics),
and we're gratified that you
avoided simply saying what
you mean (that figure skating
rules), and attacked Suck
without mercy or point.

We like your style, Mr.
Hamilton. Contract

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

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