The Fish
for 3 March 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Drink Taster


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Heavy Medal


If you really wanted to get
the groove of snowboarding
and the Olympics, you should
have checked out SOL's love
coverage of the games in

Then you wouldn't have had to
ask so many questions.

Oh well, the best never get



I'd be interested to know
what all your SOL buds think
about the behind-the-scenes
FIS/IOC skirmish behind Reb's

The rumor, of course, is that
the FIS went to bat for
snowboarders to help out in
the credibility department -
something they've lacked
pretty badly among boarders,
since the IOC seems to have
brushed aside the FIS.

Rock on -
E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

FIS would never go to bat for
snowboarders. FIS and IOC are
the same. They share two of
seven board members. You
think they operate
independently? Not for a

The IOC was wrong. That's why
they gave the medal back. And
the only reason they took it
was to blacken snowboarding's
reputation. They are afraid
of snowboarding. Both FIS and
IOC see snowboarding as
something they can't and will
never be able to control.

Here's what I thought before
the medal was returned:
event_id=10&c ontent_id=1

It was nice to see you guys
following snowboarding. I was
just bummed not to be linked,
since we are the Number 1
snowboard site on the Web.

Lee Crane

Thanks for the information,

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Did ya see the SNL

The SNL skit of the medal
fiasco was some funny stuff.

Jason's list of why
snowboarding sucks: 1.
snowboarding is mastered
within a month, whereas
skiing is a lifetime sport
offering up challenge after
challenge to those willing to
work to improve, 2.
comparatively, snowboarding
is slow, and 3. skiers get poles.

Hung Nghiep Duong


Fish With Letter Icon

Why on earth did you take the
time to write such a
pointless piece of drivel
("Heavy Medal")? This is a
heads-up for ya: No one gives
a shit about the Olympics.
Heads-up #2: Your smarminess
is friggin' BORING, and your
ignorant posturing serves no
useful purpose. Know what I
mean? Did a skateboarder run
over your puppy dog? Did a
snowboarder steal your
girlfriend? Did a stoner cut
in front of you in line at
Spinelli's? These are
rhetorical questions, but I
suggest that the folks who
read your article may be
pondering them.... Why?
Because though your asides
are apparently meant to be
funny ("dirt-bag
skateboarding origins"), they
come off instead as rather
bizarre. Next time try
writing about something that
you LIKE and perhaps it will
make sense to somebody.

Sincerely, Scott Hamilton

Thanks for taking the time to

As you know from being a
longtime Suck reader, our
solemn mission is often to do
nothing more than be smug and
ignorant. To paraphrase PBS,
if Suck doesn't suck, then
who will?

Saying what you mean is
strictly verboten (we get
paid way too much to stoop to
such "journalistic" tactics),
and we're gratified that you
avoided simply saying what
you mean (that figure skating
rules), and attacked Suck
without mercy or point.

We like your style, Mr.
Hamilton. Contract

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

The Scribner Speaketh

Dear Bartleby:

I need help on my paper, I
need to compare the movie and
the written version of
"Bartleby." Can you help me by


"I would prefer not to."

It should go without saying,
of course, that you may find
"Bartleby" somewhat speedier
than the dull, wearisome, and
lethargic process of
deciphering your margin

Now, Terence Stamp's turn as
Billy Budd - one could go on


Fish With Letter Icon

Heavy Medal

Enjoyed your Olympic piece
today. It echoes some of my
own thoughts and takes some
legitimate shots at CBS that
I hadn't thought of, sort of
as a bonus. Keep up the good

P. S. On the remote chance
you are interested (or don't
have a life), I am including
my feedback to CBS concerning
its coverage of the Nagano

"Positive: I appreciate that
you seem to be doing much
less "profiling" of athletes
than NBC. The tear-jerker,
before-the-race features
become irritating after a
(short) while. I congratulate
you on your restraint and
hope it continues.

"Constructive: There is still
too much yakkety-yak in the
studio and not enough
coverage of actual events.
Often it is 15 or 20 minutes
into a prime-time broadcast
before we see any sign of
actual competition.

"Think about this: If ice
dancing is really little more
than professional wrestling,
as your commentators want us
to believe, then why are you
televising it, when there are
a number of other competitive
sports going on that are
getting no televised coverage
at all? Particularly when it
appears that Americans are
not in medal contention
anyway. I know, I know, you
do it because you want a big
audience. In that case, shut
up about the judging. If you
complain but still cover the
event, it sounds more like
sour grapes than anything

Richard Banks <>

I've spent most of the
Olympics watching the folks
at CBS SportsLine handle the
bulk volume of hate mail.
That in itself has been good
sport, as they've repeatedly
introduced new headings in
their forums, from "Pet
Peeves" to "Venting" to
"Constructive Criticism."

Your comments are remarkable
in their restraint, but -
alas - no more likely to
elicit a response from CBS
than if you'd sent them
nothing at all.

Best wishes -
E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

You asked:

"How on earth did biathlon -
skiing with guns, for
chrissake - ever make it onto
the agenda?"

As I recall, the Olympics
were originally, y'know,
like, in your grampa's day or
some such like, instituted
for the citizen-soldiers of
Athens to develop and refine
their martial arts skills.

Today, under the guise of a
and disarmament-for-your-own-
good-at-gunpoint, the closest
we get to the "original
intent" of this event is the
biathalon and the hockey
games (although the women's
hockey promises to circumsize
that too).

FYI, biathalon is practiced
by the armed forces in and
around Scandinavia to this
day. It would not surprise me
if the Swiss do the same, as
they are still

CBS has accommodated your
disdain for this activity by
not televising it. Meanwhile,
as I write this, our
commander-in-briefs is
banging his drums of war on
the radio. (Go watch Wag the

I feel safer already. Let's
drop snowboards on that "So
Dumb Saddam," and he too will
see the light.

Bengt Lindblad
Citizens For
Equal Access to Self-Defense,
Information, and Unlimited
Olympic Coverage on TV <>

As you suggest, what the
winter Olympiad really needs
is a dramatic upping of the
ante. What better way than to
reclaim its military origins?
Those curling stones look an
awful lot like Claymore
landmines, so that would be a
good beginning. And there are
more than a few moving
targets (shall we start with
ice dancing, or the men's
super g?) that could make
biathlon the exciting,
cold-blooded exercise it's
meant to be.

Best regards -
E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

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