The Fish
for 2 March 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Drink Taster


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

The Scribner Speaketh

Dear Bartleby:

I need help on my paper, I
need to compare the movie and
the written version of
"Bartleby." Can you help me by


"I would prefer not to."

It should go without saying,
of course, that you may find
"Bartleby" somewhat speedier
than the dull, wearisome, and
lethargic process of
deciphering your margin

Now, Terence Stamp's turn as
Billy Budd - one could go on


Fish With Letter Icon

Heavy Medal

Enjoyed your Olympic piece
today. It echoes some of my
own thoughts and takes some
legitimate shots at CBS that
I hadn't thought of, sort of
as a bonus. Keep up the good

P. S. On the remote chance
you are interested (or don't
have a life), I am including
my feedback to CBS concerning
its coverage of the Nagano

"Positive: I appreciate that
you seem to be doing much
less "profiling" of athletes
than NBC. The tear-jerker,
before-the-race features
become irritating after a
(short) while. I congratulate
you on your restraint and
hope it continues.

"Constructive: There is still
too much yakkety-yak in the
studio and not enough
coverage of actual events.
Often it is 15 or 20 minutes
into a prime-time broadcast
before we see any sign of
actual competition.

"Think about this: If ice
dancing is really little more
than professional wrestling,
as your commentators want us
to believe, then why are you
televising it, when there are
a number of other competitive
sports going on that are
getting no televised coverage
at all? Particularly when it
appears that Americans are
not in medal contention
anyway. I know, I know, you
do it because you want a big
audience. In that case, shut
up about the judging. If you
complain but still cover the
event, it sounds more like
sour grapes than anything

Richard Banks <>

I've spent most of the
Olympics watching the folks
at CBS SportsLine handle the
bulk volume of hate mail.
That in itself has been good
sport, as they've repeatedly
introduced new headings in
their forums, from "Pet
Peeves" to "Venting" to
"Constructive Criticism."

Your comments are remarkable
in their restraint, but -
alas - no more likely to
elicit a response from CBS
than if you'd sent them
nothing at all.

Best wishes -
E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

You asked:

"How on earth did biathlon -
skiing with guns, for
chrissake - ever make it onto
the agenda?"

As I recall, the Olympics
were originally, y'know,
like, in your grampa's day or
some such like, instituted
for the citizen-soldiers of
Athens to develop and refine
their martial arts skills.

Today, under the guise of a
and disarmament-for-your-own-
good-at-gunpoint, the closest
we get to the "original
intent" of this event is the
biathalon and the hockey
games (although the women's
hockey promises to circumsize
that too).

FYI, biathalon is practiced
by the armed forces in and
around Scandinavia to this
day. It would not surprise me
if the Swiss do the same, as
they are still

CBS has accommodated your
disdain for this activity by
not televising it. Meanwhile,
as I write this, our
commander-in-briefs is
banging his drums of war on
the radio. (Go watch Wag the

I feel safer already. Let's
drop snowboards on that "So
Dumb Saddam," and he too will
see the light.

Bengt Lindblad
Citizens For
Equal Access to Self-Defense,
Information, and Unlimited
Olympic Coverage on TV <>

As you suggest, what the
winter Olympiad really needs
is a dramatic upping of the
ante. What better way than to
reclaim its military origins?
Those curling stones look an
awful lot like Claymore
landmines, so that would be a
good beginning. And there are
more than a few moving
targets (shall we start with
ice dancing, or the men's
super g?) that could make
biathlon the exciting,
cold-blooded exercise it's
meant to be.

Best regards -
E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

If Fishes Were Horses

Subject: Revealed informed me
that I had a misspelling on
one of my Web pages:

Possible Misspelled Words:

Suggestion: huckster

Steve Silberman

"Huckster" appears more times
than "suckster" in our
mission statement, so this
isn't too much of a stretch.

Fish With Letter Icon

I Just Spilled Something on That

Screeds of young women with
large sensuous mouths who
bear witness of sex with the
Chief Executive, and sex at
all, are a privilege of those
who are not hungry. Think of
her as Elvira without talent,
class, or a life.

Reminds me of my continental
breakfast at the Idaho Falls
Ameritel, straight out of
Alan Kornheiser. CNN ran
back-to-back stories of
infant sex penetration, the
room was full of scrubbed
insurance moguls paying
side-attention to the porno,
and I just turned up my
Walkman like some Unabomber.

Pax, St. Brendan

We're not at liberty to say
whether or not Monica had
talent, class, or a life
before this incident, but
we've got some idea of what
her life looks like after
this, and it's not too
pretty. But don't listen to
us: We never liked Nancy
Kerrigan much and we've
always felt a little sorry
for Tonya Harding.

One thing's for certain:
writing snippy letters about
poor Monica is most certainly
a privilege of those who
aren't hungry. Responding to
such snippy letters is the
work of Other Well-Fed types.
Reading such snippy letters
over lunch at the office is
most definitely not the
pastime of The Hungry.

All this talk is making us

Fish With Letter Icon

Technicolor Yawn

Subject: Jesse's Plug in Suck

I was just wondering why your
strip featured Jesse Jackson
riding with Travolta/Clinton
in your Friday, 13 February issue.
The character in the
passenger seat in the segment
that had the
gag looked much more like
Jesse than Samuel L. Is this
an accident or a conspiracy
to make the populace believe
that Jesse Jackson is part of
the Clinton Sex Scandal.
(Possibly an accomplice
needed to work zippers?)


Terry always gets Jesse and
Samuel mixed up. It's the
result of some kind of early
childhood incident with the
Old Testament. He'd rather
not talk about it.

Fish With Letter Icon

Milk + Pepsi: Generation

Subject: Battle of the
Network Stars

So is it true? Are they
really going to bring back
the true sporting experience?
I have long waited for the
day when I may once again see
Adrienne Barbeau in a sports
bra, making her way through a
cleverly contrived obstacle
course. The Olympics have
become too political for my
taste! I want to see healthy
inter-network competition
once again! Bring back the

Joe Mango, Somewhere in the

Ever since The Network Stars
got self-important enough to
take even the Emmys, let
alone the Golden Globes,
seriously, such tomfoolery as
"Battle of the Network Stars"
seems horribly
unsophisticated. Can we
really imagine George Clooney
on the obstacle course
opposite some twerp from
Chicago Hope?

Well, of course we can. But
the network stars of today
would rather don their
Versace and strut like
masters of the silver screen
than goof off like masters of
the boob tube. Who do they
think they're kidding? The
? The Pallbearer?
The Candlestick Maker? The

Anxious to put the boob back
in the tube,


Fish With Letter Icon

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