The Fish
for 19 February 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Improve Your Communication

Can't you ease up on Fiona a
little bit? She's 20, for
god's sake. Force any teen
into reflection mode for five
hours and see what kind of
drivel even the most
linguistically gifted
pre-pube churns out. The girl
barely has her sea legs. She
can't be expected to not put
her foot in her mouth while
simultaneously backpedaling
her way out of getting
vocally bitch-slapped by
Janeane Garofalo. If the
music press has taught us
anything, it has to be that
musicians creates great copy
if protected efficiently from
any sort of context.

Any form of clear
communication from a girl
who's both dating a
second-rate magician and
being stalked by Marilyn
Manson while maintaining a
strict diet of vegetables and
Prozac has to be treated
either as journalistic
privilege or carefully
constructed PR jargon.

Andrew Schiller

Hey, we're not saying she's
not young as hell. We're not
even saying we wouldn't have
sounded 10 times as stupid as
she does. In fact, she
doesn't sound stupid, she's
just ... surprisingly ...
cranberry. That's all.

She's got a great voice; no
one can deny it. She'll be
fine. She just needs to stop
the bony-photo-
plus-naive-interview madness.
Who'll tell her she's fucking
up if we don't?

Besides, she can't hear us.

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Sucksters:

Your treatise on snappy
communications was nutrageous
and refreshingly cranberry!
Thy obsequious compilation of
wordsmithy doth infest mine
eyes with mirth greatly! It's
delightful, it's delicious,
it's delovely!

Since "peachy" is a sobriquet
already residing within my
loquacious repertoire, the
die is cast upon my
embarkment onto the path of
verbosity. I like the Sprite
in you!

Everytime we say goodbye, I
cry a little. (Wasn't that in
a song by The Outfield?)
Alas, parting is such (or is
it suck?) sweet sorrow!

Grammatically yours,

Tim Booktu

Surprisingly cranberry, Tim.

We applaud your ability to
hunker down, but don't peter
out. Don't just try to speak
differently. Do. Or do not.
There is no try.

Why can't you behave?

Fish With Letter Icon

Weedy Seedy

Your all too
flippant comments on
marijuana must be addressed,
so, why it should NOT be
legalized: 1. Marijuana (mj)
use decreases the need for
alcohol, and this leads to:
a. lower profits for the
distilleries, b. fewer drunk
drivers, so fewer accidents,
and less money for auto-body
shops, and c. hospital
emergency rooms would have to
cut staff. 2. mj use leads to
increased appetites: a.
possibly leading to obesity,
b. helping chemotherapy
patients, thus interfering
with the natural order of
death and decreasing profits
of Western medicine, and c.
increasing the number of
crazed pizza-delivery
persons. 3. mj use reduces
hypertensive disorders,
leading to: a. reduced
caffeine intake - lower
profits there! b. reduced use
of drugs like "Prozac" - same
thing! and c. fewer marriage
breakdowns! heaven forbid!
what will our divorce lawyers
and courts do - reduced
revenue! and finally 4. mj
use may lead to a reduction
in tobacco use (Jesse Helms,
will you please stand up?).


We particularly like
the part about crazed
pizza-delivery persons. Were
that there were more of 'em!

Fish With Letter Icon

Mean, Fishy Male

Subject: Fat people and stuff

Hey, Phyllis:
How many really fat old
people do you know? I haven't
even seen one, and I am
always on the lookout (for
reasons of my own). Why?

Joseph Hammerman

Neither do angry people.

Fish With Letter Icon

Neophyte Webling

Subject: Starting Out

Dear Sucksters,
I was recently introduced to
your online magazine by a
friend and have even begun a
subscription. I am seriously
thinking about starting an
online magazine. Any advice
or pointers for a young
entrepreneur such as myself?
Any feedback
would be

Jeff G. Chicago

P. S. Love your articles! You
guys are a scream!

1. Don't ask for advice. 2.
Don't sink your own money
into it. 3. Have something to
say. Something that's not in
the first person, unless
you're pictured naked on the
site. 4. You've got a strong
back - get a job. 5. Polly
has a cousin in Chicago named
Jeff G. Are you Polly's
cousin? 6. Work your
connections. Being Polly's
cousin won't help you much.
7. If you're not willing to
work 12-hour days, don't do
it. 8. If you want to work
12-hour days, get your head
examined. 9. Shrinks cost
money. Get a job already!
10. Don't take anyone's advice.
Least of all Cousin Polly's.

Cousin Polly

Fish With Letter Icon

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