The Fish
for 5 February 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Vodka on Ice

Perhaps I've been biased by
the one-hits I did right
after breakfast, but I think
today's Suck is the funniest
thing you guys have done in
months. It was the kind of
straightforward Suck I like
the most, lots of punchlines,
no messy existentialism. I
especially liked the way you
lined up and skewered an
entire series of celebrities
and made it look easy. Well,
on second thought, how hard
could it be?

I used to sympathize with
Robert Downey Jr.'s tragic
talent, but thanks to you,
now I understand that he's
just another druggy,
two-dimensional Hollywood
schmoozer. Thanks for the

You rip, Suck! You rip!


While we've heard that
Downey's prison time has
actually been that of the
average inmate's, it's still
hard to extend sympathy for
him. If we did, we'd have to
sympathize with the thousands
of other people who are
sitting in jail simply
because they're reckless drug
abusers (we encourage those
one-hits for Suck enjoyment
purposes, but watch
yourself ...), and
unfortunately we just don't
have that much sympathy to go

In any case, you should
direct your sympathy toward
Christian Slater, whom we
hear (by way of Liz Smith) is
actually planning to use his
hard time productively -
apparently, he's the one we
really should have focused
on, since he's actually
writing a book. No word on
what the subject is.


Fish With Letter Icon

Today's piece on Downy Jr.
that you and Terry put
together made me giggle like
a little schoolgirl. To hell
with the angsty commentaries -
more angsty cartoons!

Nathan Root

Sorry, Nathan, we're going
for the giggly young adult
male consumer demographic,
not the giggly schoolgirl
demographic. No more cartoons
for you.


Fish With Letter Icon

Unfocused Hostility

"Little Debbie Nutty Bars
(US$1.25/box of 6 twin paks)"

Sigh. I never thought it
would come to this. I know
you guys WORK for Wired and
all, but do you have to use
their style sheet? "US$1.25"?
How arrogant! Have you really
embraced the libertarian
idealism of Wired? Do you
really think that when you
write an electronic column IN
ENGLISH that deals almost
exclusively with American
culture, more than, say,
.000001% of your audience is
going to be from other
countries? And realistically,
what's the difference between
$1.25 in the US and $1.25 in
Canada? About 3 green M&Ms,
for the love of Ford....


Mike Barthel

Tell that to a Canadian,

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Stop "Dump on

You know, a lot of the people
who are dying of these heart
attacks are the people like
you guys. The people who are
predicting that other people
are going to keel over
because they are fat. (I
suppose since you are doing
the criticizing that you are

In every family that I have
seen, the ones that are
always trying to cause "fat"
paranoia for their more plump
family members usually have a
very well attended funeral by
the plump members they were
"cursing" in life.

Everybody's going to die of
something, and I am still not
convinced that thinness is a
life prolonger (studies have
always proved one thing-
"You can prove and disprove
ANYTHING by a study," it
almost sounds like the bible
- another paranoia- producing

I am convinced of one thing
- Neurotic Paranoia can be a
real killer.

Phyllis Durham <>

Hmm. You sound vaguely like a
chainsmoker who regularly
bitterly proclaims, "You can
get cancer from everything
these days! Gotta die some
day, after all!" Convenient
belief, given the

Ask any doctor what
percentage of their patients
who are under 35 and have
serious health problems are
also obese. It's no one's
business but yours if you're
overweight, and no one has
the right to ridicule you
about it. Just don't ignore
the fact that being very
overweight is horrible for
your health. Any doctor will
tell you the same thing -
it's not up for

Fish With Letter Icon

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