The Fish
for 3 February 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Vox Potuli

I was surprised you didn't
also mention the incredible
sentences (i.e., life without
parole) still being imposed
on pot "dealers" (i.e.,
anyone even tangentially
associated with a weed sale
of sufficient size) in your
hilarious piece. The fact
that all this medical
marijuana stuff is happening
while the War on Drugs is
still going strong is the
ultimate howler. The
disconnect between public
opinion of grass and the
actions of law enforcement is

(There was an interesting
documentary aired as part of
ABC's March Against Drugs in
which Peter Jennings visited
some real-live marijuana
dealers, the main revelation
of which seemed to be that
they're mostly just ordinary
schmoes trying to make easy
money. It was surprisingly
sanguine on the drug itself.)

Ken B.

Thanks, Ken. Here's a nice
quote from California
Assemblyman Larry Bowler:

"We really don't have a war
on drugs. All we have is an
occasional skirmish. When you
go to war, you voluntarily
give up some rights. . . .
This would be a step toward
going to war."

In a related story, Uncle Sam
himself was quoted as saying:
"I want you to pee in a

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: What do the budsmen
buy half so precious as the
stuff they sell?

It's not really all that
complicated. With minor idiot
exceptions (too many of whom
hold public office), nobody
wants people going to jail
for smoking or holding herb,
lots of people want to be
able to get their hands on
some without too much
trouble, but most of us are
scared of what would happen
if the stuff were mass
marketed. Remember, it took a
good two centuries or more
for Europe to socialize
distilled alcohol (it almost
destroyed England, and it did
a damn sight more than that
to Native Americans); letting
any form of soma loose in a
culture can be dangerous.
Letting it loose marketed by
RJR is scary.

Sure, we all have our funny
dope stories (e.g., did I ever
tell you about the time I
picked up some brownies to
munch at my sister's place in
Berkeley just before I walked
down Telegraph to a meeting
with the nuclear physics
faculty at UC?); most of us,
if we admit it, have some
highly unfunny stories as
well, and some of us have
friends who aren't coming

So the polling data and the
election data are
conflicting? Damn straight.
The polity is conflicted as

Alan Kornheiser

You know what's really
strange? As I was starting to
concoct an answer to your
missive at 4:00 a.m., I fell
asleep in my chair, with my
quill and taper at hand, and
had the following dream:

I'm at a party. It's pretty
happening. Two of my
ex-girlfriends are there,
along with a former
co-worker. The former
co-worker is working her way
through a nice fat doob, and
she wanders out of the room
for a moment. Next thing you
know, there's a lot of
hollering in the next room,
and we all rush in to find
that her lit joint has
accidentally ignited a
kerosene space heater in the
middle of the room. Blue jets
of gas flame are coming
through the vents of the
heater. Nobody can figure out
how to put the fire out, and
we all split out of the house as
it starts to burn down.

Out in the yard, the two
ex-girlfriends are in a
world-class catfight - over
me! So I head down to the
nearest bus stop, which is
peppered with posters and
flyers. Smack in the middle
of the leaflets is a
cool-looking promo sticker
that reads "Alan Kornheiser,
Businessman!" There are
little callouts at the top
and bottom of the sticker: "I
win!" says one; "I win EASY!"
says the other. (Though it
may not be clear from my
description, the sense in the
dream was clearly: "Do
business with me and you're
flying with the winners!")

1) Wish fulfillment:
I haven't been
invited to a party since
2) Allegory: The two
ex-girlfriends represent the
electorate's moral conflict
over the war on drugs. The
accidental ignition of the
space heater is the fire
brimming over in a prison
system crowded with petty
drug offenders (note that the
flames were coming through
the bars of the heater).
3) One area needs no
explanation: You are a

yr pal,

Fish With Letter Icon

Vox Potuli

Nicely done. Can you please
tell the rest of America what
you said at Suck today?

Our country needs to start
using common sense about pot.
Your message was clear and
needs to be inhaled by the

I'm out.


If I could tell my opinions
to the rest of America, do
you think I'd be writing for

Actually, the country does
seem to be employing some
common sense on the issue.
The main obstacles now seem
to be the slow turning of the
wheels of government, the
essential timidity of elected
officials, and our sneaking
concern that if we legalized
pot our nation would soon
thereafter give up cancer
research, gene mapping, and
breakthroughs in
nanotechnology in favor of
languorous discussions about
the differences between Sarah
Gilbert, Sarah Jessica
Parker, Mary Louise Parker,
Mary Stuart Masterson, and
Melissa Sue Gilbert.

yr pal,

Fish With Letter Icon

Excellent piece. Now, if only
we could get this "to legalize"
or "not to legalize" nonsense
done with. I need a store
dammit, so that I can get some
reefer that's weaker than the
current offerings. You know,
like Salsa. Mild, Strong,
Extra-Strong. All we get here
is Extra Strong and you know,
all I want is a light, fruity
little joint that will put a
slight glow on my jagged
little evenings. Nope, it's
can't-find-your-keys stuff or
nothing. And I can't weaken
it with tobacco 'cause that's
almost illegal. Even in


Alas, my 24-hour-a-day work
schedule leaves me little
opportunity to relax in a
fragrant fog of reefer. But
it's clear that today's
technology has far surpassed
the old are-you-high-yet weed
that made the scene in my
youth. What's amazing is that
anybody still makes a fuss
about having scored some
really killer weed. At this
point in our nation's
history, pot is like special
effects - we all know they
can do anything with the
stuff, so what's the big

Fish With Letter Icon

What we need is a large
corporation to glamorize the
use of pot through media. It
worked for tobacco.

Great idea, Colonel! But I
thought the job of
glamorizing the pot lifestyle
was already being done by MST

yr pal,

Fish With Letter Icon

The Stuff -- it's a list of stuff we like

Little link to Suck
Arrow Image
Contacting Us
Contributors Index
Little Barrel Link
Little Gun Link
A machine producing Suck
Link To Tech Notes