The Fish
for 22 January 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Fuck the Cyber Po-lice

Did you know that is blocked by
CyberPatrol? I was trying to
go there from work and was

Sam Peterson

The pigs! The pigs have it in
for us! We're ruined!

Fish With Letter Icon

Gratifications Means Welfare

Subject: Governor Wilson
shills for Nike

Anyone notice the neat
product placement in Governor
Wilson's state of the state

"Every way we can, we're
making clear to the Nike
generation that it's just
irresponsible to "just do it"
... to yield to sexual
gratification when the result
is a fatherless child, facing
a childhood and a lifetime of
poverty and public


Eric <>

That's beautiful. Young
people today should know that
sexual gratification leads to
a lifetime of poverty and
public dependency ... for the
poor, that is. Of course,
rich kids can do whatever the
fuck they want without
hurting anyone, aside from,
say, the occasional totalled
Range Rover....

Fish With Letter Icon

Post-Holiday Depression

Subject: Grad Students

Hey Polly,

I don't know what you were
saying about grad students in
your post-holiday depression
piece. Maybe they overanalyze
things or something??
Actually, grad students tend
to have a really severe case
of post-holiday depression.
Instead of three days of
freedom they get three or
four weeks of going back
home for Christmas/Hanukkah,
burying their
atheism/agnosticism and anti-
consumer societyism to
celebrate the holiday and buy
and receive presents. The
holidays are a time for
observing your family's
empty values firsthand and
also sleeping on a bed-couch
without having to put up with
the musical choices of your
19-year-old, upstairs
neighbor enjoying his first
apartment. In between
explaining to family members
what deconstruction is and
why anyone would want to
study it, the
holiday-experiencing grad
student gets to temporarily
live in an environment where
people react to each other as
people, not intellectual
competitors. There's maybe
even a little bit of love
amid the tension. After a
week of home life, they get
to spend another week or two
sitting around their dingy
apartment watching the snow
fall and trying to block out
the bass line coming through
the ceiling, all the while
pondering a) the meaning of
existence and the political,
social, cultural situation of
our times, b) why I am in
grad school, c) what will I
do if I don't get a teaching
job, and d) will I ever have
a relationship, marriage,
children of my own? Will I
ever be fully an adult? They
know that this is the time to
1) read a lot of books
they've been meaning to read
and now have the time for, 2)
get ready for exams, theses,
dissertations, next
semester's courses, and 3)
catch up on a lot of TV. They
also wonder when all their
friends are going to come
back to College Town and
whether they should try to
run into said friends at one
of the old hangouts?
On 9 January, grad
students are still on
vacation. The get a longer
period of holiday depression.
Post-holiday depression
doesn't set in untili the next
week when they realize that
the freshmen they're teaching
don't care about all the
innovative teaching ideas
they have, that their courses
are really a little boring,
and that the older grad
students on the job market
still haven't gotten jobs

I spent more years in grad
school than I should have,
and that's the way it was and
probably still is.

Albert Cinelli
Lafayette, Indiana

Sounds like some of the
reasons I love hanging out
with grad students. After
all, who could be more fun
than an alienated,
self-pitying intellectual
competitor, spilling over
with existential angst and
self-doubt? They endlessly
bemoan the drudgery and
poverty of their lives, yet
it's clear they view your
life as that of a thoroughly
unexceptional, unthinking,
consumer/worker drone. The
only thing most grad students
have no doubts about is that
they're smarter than you. Big
fun! I wish I knew more of


Fish With Letter Icon
Trees Lounge

Subject: Down with evil

Though it has been said that
hindsight is 20/20, there are
some in this country who
foresaw the recent attacks on
Mr. Bono and Mr. Kennedy by
botanical conspirators.
Malevolent vegetation plotted
to conceal the second gunman
In the Grassy Knoll. It
nearly succeeded in fatally
poisoning George Bush over
dinner in Japan. How many
more of our political leaders
must suffer at the hands of
such un-American plants
before we finally see the
trees for the forest?

As I write this, a consortium
of large "hard-wood" trees in
Colorado is currently
hatching a maniacal plan to
strike at civilians of the
Colorado countryside. Untold
death tolls await the masses
if these foul conspirators
are allowed to burn
themselves - and the
surrounding communities - in
an act of insane martyrdom.

But we don't have to go down
without a fight! Currently,
US representatives Helen
Chenowith and Bob Schaeffer
are introducing a bill into
Congress to battle these
evil-doers. It's called the
"Community Protection and
Hazardous Fuels Reduction
Act," which would allow the
brave men and women of our
logging companies to
infiltrate the forests and
weed out the flammable trees
within. Please - write your
congressperson and voice
your support - before it's
too late.

And tie a yellow ribbon for
the brave Americans in the
timber community! Just don't
tie it around a tree ... it
might strike back.

Thank you. John Hamilton <>

You wacky college guy, you.

Fish With Letter Icon

Chicken Butt

There is nothing the Net
needs more than a good
flogging (Nietzsche aside) to
scare the brainwashed masses
from proceeding to and emptying
Junior's college fund into
the mad craze ineptly named
"Electronic Shopping";
ideally everyone would
receive one choice tidbit
from along with
every meaningless piece of
spam (directing them to
pictures of the late Mr.
Bono's autopsy, at US$5 a
pop, no doubt) to help round
out the average netizen's
mental status. Hopefully,
someone at will
also appreciate that the
previous was one continuous

- Mr. Kelly Adams (For the
benefit of all the other
people with androgynous first
names, id est Erin and Terry)

Um. What?

Fish With Letter Icon

Size Matters

...u must use bigger writing
so that webtv subscribers can
read your writings


Web TV! Ha ha ha! That's a
good one.

Fish With Letter Icon

Flog the Neophyte


I am what you would you
consider a virgin to the
Internet world, but I would
like to spew forth on Net a
minute tidbit of menial (if
not worthless) information,
if I may.

1st - Nice site (it turns my
crank), as far as I know.

2nd - I would like to spout
off a bit of other things,
but I'm not sure of how or
who I would do this to or at.
Can you let me know what the
f**k to do for this oh so
irritating itch that I have

3rd - Do you have a page (or
should I be using a different
term) for observer
input/rhetoric/rebuttal that
I should be referring to for
steam let-off? Not that I
have any steam to let off,
but I am interested in having
questions answered and having
my points/opinions being
heard. Your page, it seems to
me, is somewhat progressive
and I like that thus causing
me to inquire.

4th - Do I sound educated?

Thanx so bloody much,


1. Yuck. 2. Try drinking to
excess. 3. Yes. 4. No.

Thanks for the cute neophyte

Fish With Letter Icon

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