The Fish
for 20 January 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll leave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

The Shit

Subject: Bombs baby!

So, what's up with the shit,
cats and kittens? I mean, I
want to keep my narrow,
Gap-wearing ass on the
cutting edge of what is hip
and cool. But this shit list
is like a blast from the
past; we are talking a vision
from the way back machine.
What gives? Do you people
(note: the author usually
does not make parodies of H.
Ross Perot - they are too
easy) really think that I
come to your site for the
witty humor and vaguely
disturbing cartoons? Hell no!
I come to look at a list of
shit that is way over my head
so that I can go
consume said shit, thus
making myself look cool, and
more importantly,
self-important, leading to
the all important lay. You
kiddies are putting me into
the tightest squeeze here. I
mean, I am scrambling up the
steep wall of hep-dom and my
lifeline is shit, and this
shit has run soft.

Hal Quantz <>

Sometimes you have to go out
and find stuff that's way
over your head all by
yourself, son. You can't
depend on other people to do
it for you. Tip: Go to the
section marked "Cultural
Studies" and look for books
prominently featuring the
words "popular,"
"deconstruct," and/or
"commodify," but eliminate
anything that features
essay(s) on Madonna. And quit
falling into the Gap.

Fish With Letter Icon

You-Know-Who Causing Yet
Another Stir

Subject: Alan Kornheiser

I feel so cheated and used.
After following the link you
provided on your letters page
to Simpleton, there HE was,
with a long-winded diatribe
- none other than Alan
Kornheiser!!! Oh the humanity
of it all!

All this time I thought he
was faithful to Suck, that he
blessed (more like clogged)
only Suck with his War and
-lengthed look-at-me
letters, and now to find out
he's nothing but an Internet
email opinion-writing whore!
Oh the shame! Say it ain't
so, Alan!

Suckerpunch (A faithful Suck
follower who only has eyes
for the Fish!)

P.S. Heck, I even own the
book! P.P.S. Thankfully,
Alan's letters were not in

You even own the book? Wow,
given our latest book sales
reports, that's up there with
getting the Fish tattooed on
your ass in terms of brand

As regards A. K.: Dr.
Kornheiser most likely reads
and writes to simpleton
because it's a good read.
Futhermore, we have never
considered these pages
"clogged" by his letters. Au
contraire - we wish Dr. K.
would grace us with his
opinions even more often.
Email whore? More like a
high-quality email slut. If
there were more of his kind,
the Fish would be much more
worthy of your undying

Fish With Letter Icon

The Word

Subject: "The Word"

I read with interest and
chagrin your article on "The
Word" and I agree that it may
be an icon to some group or
another, but no one is
admitting it except my
ex-son-in-law (thank God for
the "ex"), who thought he
invented the word.

One thing does aggrieve me in
this entire issue of the
sensitivities of race and
racial slurs. What is the
justification of the term
"Afro-American"? I am
personally acquainted with
several Black people who do
not credit Africa with their
heritage. Is that cognomen
just a slick advertising
exec's creation to call
attention to that entire
continent for the purpose of
international trade
improvement? Or is it a move
within the Black community by
its biggest segment to
express its supremacy?

Larry Selby

You're personally acquainted
with black people? Cool.

As regards the term
"Afro-American," we think it
probably arose from the fact
that many black people are
descendents of Africans.

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: That Word ...

Being a straight-white-male
and thus having no victim
status whatsoever, granted of
course that the current
affirmative action jihad is
an attempt to give us SWMs
victim status, I find this
discussion of x-words quite
interesting. I hear this word
everyday while riding on the
buses here in San Francisco,
the so-called liberal,
inclusive enclave. But not by
redneck crackers (are there
any here?) but by those upon
whom it was bestowed as a
slur. Other minority groups
have also clasped unto these
slurs for themselves, hence
"queer," "faggot," and "dyke"
are now OK, as long as you
are one.... I can understand
that in search of
self-esteem, people have
embraced who they are
proudly, but why have they
chosen to adopt what were
slurs for positive terms of
address? Is it because they
think if they use them it
will defuse the verbal
violence these words contain?
Maybe for themselves, but for
those who still feel that
"nigger," "kike," and
"faggot" are terms of abuse
and use them accordingly,
these words still bear the
hatred they have always borne.
Is this dualism of semantics
really a way to enhance
self-esteem? Something tells
me that it isn't. But what do
I know, being a "breeder"
"ofay" "chauvinist pig"?


You straight white males are
better off left in the dark.
It keeps you humble ... uh,
more humble than you would be
otherwise, anyway, which
isn't saying much.

Stupid lily-white chauvinist

Fish With Letter Icon

A Word to the Wiseass

To: cc:

Subject: Dude

You have to be careful when
writing to these Sucksters.
You'll get intellectually
keelhauled if you give them
even the most Lilliputian
opportunity. And your email,
Sir, contained a Gargantuan
opportunity. Just a friendly


Would you say that use of the
word "Dude" for a subject
constitutes being "careful"?

Fish With Letter Icon

To: cc:

Subject: Re: Dude

MichaeL Bohnert wrote:

Thanks for the warning, can
you tell me where I left
myself open?

Let's start with punctuation,
grammar, spelling, and
capitalization. When your
little piece of prose is put
on display surrounded by
Suck's technically correct
work, it looks bad. After you
get those little details
down, make sure it's
coherent. When you're sure
it's coherent, ask yourself,
is the point I am making
worth being made? If it
passes all these tests, hit
"send," and maybe you won't
get keelhauled!


Also, be sure to cc: the
Sucksters in your know-it-all
correspondences, because, you
know, they like to keep track
of their little disciples and
handmaidens just in case they
have an important
announcement or need their
laundry done or something.

Oh, Micheal? Skip that part
about having a point.

Fish With Letter Icon

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