The Fish
for 19 January 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll leave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

The Word

Subject: "The Word"

I read with interest and
chagrin your article on "The
Word" and I agree that it may
be an icon to some group or
another, but no one is
admitting it except my
ex-son-in-law (thank God for
the "ex"), who thought he
invented the word.

One thing does aggrieve me in
this entire issue of the
sensitivities of race and
racial slurs. What is the
justification of the term
"Afro-American"? I am
personally acquainted with
several Black people who do
not credit Africa with their
heritage. Is that cognomen
just a slick advertising
exec's creation to call
attention to that entire
continent for the purpose of
international trade
improvement? Or is it a move
within the Black community by
its biggest segment to
express its supremacy?

Larry Selby

You're personally acquainted
with black people? Cool.

As regards the term
"Afro-American," we think it
probably arose from the fact
that many black people are
descendents of Africans.

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: That Word ...

Being a straight-white-male
and thus having no victim
status whatsoever, granted of
course that the current
affirmative action jihad is
an attempt to give us SWMs
victim status, I find this
discussion of x-words quite
interesting. I hear this word
everyday while riding on the
buses here in San Francisco,
the so-called liberal,
inclusive enclave. But not by
redneck crackers (are there
any here?) but by those upon
whom it was bestowed as a
slur. Other minority groups
have also clasped unto these
slurs for themselves, hence
"queer," "faggot," and "dyke"
are now OK, as long as you
are one.... I can understand
that in search of
self-esteem, people have
embraced who they are
proudly, but why have they
chosen to adopt what were
slurs for positive terms of
address? Is it because they
think if they use them it
will defuse the verbal
violence these words contain?
Maybe for themselves, but for
those who still feel that
"nigger," "kike," and
"faggot" are terms of abuse
and use them accordingly,
these words still bear the
hatred they have always borne.
Is this dualism of semantics
really a way to enhance
self-esteem? Something tells
me that it isn't. But what do
I know, being a "breeder"
"ofay" "chauvinist pig"?


You straight white males are
better off left in the dark.
It keeps you humble ... uh,
more humble than you would be
otherwise, anyway, which
isn't saying much.

Stupid lily-white chauvinist

Fish With Letter Icon

A Word to the Wiseass

To: cc:

Subject: Dude

You have to be careful when
writing to these Sucksters.
You'll get intellectually
keelhauled if you give them
even the most Lilliputian
opportunity. And your email,
Sir, contained a Gargantuan
opportunity. Just a friendly


Would you say that use of the
word "Dude" for a subject
constitutes being "careful"?

Fish With Letter Icon

To: cc:

Subject: Re: Dude

MichaeL Bohnert wrote:

Thanks for the warning, can
you tell me where I left
myself open?

Let's start with punctuation,
grammar, spelling, and
capitalization. When your
little piece of prose is put
on display surrounded by
Suck's technically correct
work, it looks bad. After you
get those little details
down, make sure it's
coherent. When you're sure
it's coherent, ask yourself,
is the point I am making
worth being made? If it
passes all these tests, hit
"send," and maybe you won't
get keelhauled!


Also, be sure to cc: the
Sucksters in your know-it-all
correspondences, because, you
know, they like to keep track
of their little disciples and
handmaidens just in case they
have an important
announcement or need their
laundry done or something.

Oh, Micheal? Skip that part
about having a point.

Fish With Letter Icon


While hoping that I don't
sound too much like a psycho
greenfreak conspiracy
theorist, I wonder if maybe
there's not more to our
collective national weight
than our collective national
urge for more. I have
suspicions, sneaking
suspicions, perhaps even
groundless suspicions, that
there's something else that
contributes to our sheer
flabbage. Mightn't there be
something in what They feed
us that makes us gross?
Mightn't They be adding a
little something extra to the
pudding to give a little more
zing to our cravings? Didn't
Coke start off with cocaine
in the bottle? And didn't Big
Tobacco spray nicotine on the
crop when sales got low?

So maybe I am a psycho
conspiracy theorist. But I,
much like an English cow,
really don't know what
They're putting in my food.
Maybe I don't get ground-up
beef brains in my Twinkies,
but I don't know what those
preservatives do to me
either. And how about those
hormones they feed the
livestock that end up in my
hamburgers and Chicken
McNuggets? Don't they wriggle
their way up the food chain?

Has anyone done studies on
the addictive properties of
preservatives? Are people who
eat junk food fat because
it's junk food or because
they're junkies? I mean, how
come the French can pig out
on pâté, cheese,
and veal and not get fat?
Does anyone really think it's
the wine that keeps them
trim? Could it possibly be
because they eat fresh
preservative-free bread every
day instead of Eggos, Frosted
Flakes, and week-old loaves
of Wonder Bread?

And even if I am another
whining tubbo looking for
someone else to blame, that
doesn't mean They didn't do

C. G.

If "They" were adding "zing"
to your cravings, then why
are your cravings just as
easily satisfied by any given
glob of melted cheese instead
of only being satisfied by,
say, Red Zingers? Doesn't add

We'll choose B: Whining

Fish With Letter Icon


I'm not a fat person, and
still I found your article in
today's (5 January 1998) Suck
offensive. Not that I expect
you to care, but it seemed to
me that you saw this as a
chance to use all those
demeaning put-down slang
comments that you'd never
dare say to an overweight
friend. (Weight Watchers
washouts, cellulite-ridden,
needed his own ZIP code,
example, elephantine,
lard-asses - my fave - like a
rare West Indian manatee, and
of course, flop-breasted

Wow, did you go to university
to develop your witty writing
style? And what a way to end
the article; "Like the dog
that licks its own balls." Ah
well, I did manage to
actually read the entire
article and felt you had
things to say, unfortunately
it's hidden under a pile of
juvenile journalism. However,
in the end, I still had to
wonder: What was the point
you were trying to make? Is
it that people are getting
fatter? Yes, people are
getting fatter. Should we
attempt to stop this? Or
should we just keep making
fun and pointing till they
smarten up and get thin? Your
article fell short of the
witty commentary I have grown
to love from Suck. (Just a
bad day?)

Well, now that I've worked up
an appetite, I'm headed to
Red Robin!

Duncan Creamer


For further information on
our policy dealing with
complaints regarding material
deemed offensive, please
review the title of this


Fish With Letter Icon

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