The Fish
for 16 January 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[yes, it's a plunger. i'll leave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit









	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Flabbage

While hoping that I don't
sound too much like a psycho
greenfreak conspiracy
theorist, I wonder if maybe
there's not more to our
collective national weight
than our collective national
urge for more. I have
suspicions, sneaking
suspicions, perhaps even
groundless suspicions, that
there's something else that
contributes to our sheer
flabbage. Mightn't there be
something in what They feed
us that makes us gross?
Mightn't They be adding a
little something extra to the
pudding to give a little more
zing to our cravings? Didn't
Coke start off with cocaine
in the bottle? And didn't Big
Tobacco spray nicotine on the
crop when sales got low?

So maybe I am a psycho
conspiracy theorist. But I,
much like an English cow,
really don't know what
They're putting in my food.
Maybe I don't get ground-up
beef brains in my Twinkies,
but I don't know what those
preservatives do to me
either. And how about those
hormones they feed the
livestock that end up in my
hamburgers and Chicken
McNuggets? Don't they wriggle
their way up the food chain?

Has anyone done studies on
the addictive properties of
preservatives? Are people who
eat junk food fat because
it's junk food or because
they're junkies? I mean, how
come the French can pig out
on pâté, cheese,
and veal and not get fat?
Does anyone really think it's
the wine that keeps them
trim? Could it possibly be
because they eat fresh
preservative-free bread every
day instead of Eggos, Frosted
Flakes, and week-old loaves
of Wonder Bread?

And even if I am another
whining tubbo looking for
someone else to blame, that
doesn't mean They didn't do
it.

C. G.

If "They" were adding "zing"
to your cravings, then why
are your cravings just as
easily satisfied by any given
glob of melted cheese instead
of only being satisfied by,
say, Red Zingers? Doesn't add
up.

We'll choose B: Whining
Tubbo.

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Hi.

I'm not a fat person, and
still I found your article in
today's (5 January 1998) Suck
offensive. Not that I expect
you to care, but it seemed to
me that you saw this as a
chance to use all those
demeaning put-down slang
comments that you'd never
dare say to an overweight
friend. (Weight Watchers
washouts, cellulite-ridden,
needed his own ZIP code,
bury-him-in-two-piano-cases
example, elephantine,
lard-asses - my fave - like a
rare West Indian manatee, and
of course, flop-breasted
man.)

Wow, did you go to university
to develop your witty writing
style? And what a way to end
the article; "Like the dog
that licks its own balls." Ah
well, I did manage to
actually read the entire
article and felt you had
things to say, unfortunately
it's hidden under a pile of
juvenile journalism. However,
in the end, I still had to
wonder: What was the point
you were trying to make? Is
it that people are getting
fatter? Yes, people are
getting fatter. Should we
attempt to stop this? Or
should we just keep making
fun and pointing till they
smarten up and get thin? Your
article fell short of the
witty commentary I have grown
to love from Suck. (Just a
bad day?)

Well, now that I've worked up
an appetite, I'm headed to
Red Robin!

Duncan Creamer

<duncan@creamer.com>

For further information on
our policy dealing with
complaints regarding material
deemed offensive, please
review the title of this
publication.

Fatty.

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Deal-a-Meal

I spent years happily as a
macrobiotic, trim 155 and
without a friend. The real
issue here is the only way we
can have social contact any
more is at a restaurant. The
press of the day's issues
cannot be explored at work.
The TV must not be
interrupted.... How do you
expect me to socialize
driving 87.2 mph on my way to
work? Don't interrupt my
workout. I need to drop 25 so
that I can look cool at
Vic's.

I believe that these
pressures find their way into
our eating habits; we
displace human contact, and
make up for it at the chow
hour.

David

But what's better than
chatting it up while chowing
down, besides maybe having
sex, doing drugs, and
listening to rock and roll?

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: Fat and the American
Way

Mr. Mxyzptlk:

I am chronically inspired by
your article "Larger Than
Life." As a formerly portly
part of the population, I
must add that large Americans
are missing something that
people like myself enjoy -
Former Fatty Flattery.

See, I, myself, did not lose
my weighty girth to the point
of supermodel deformity....
I'm no Kate Moss! (A proud,
average size 10 I am!) What I
do have going for me is the
fact that I was fat. That
way, anyone who knows me
thinks I look terrific simply
because, well, it's an
improvement over my former
state! It's a stigma that I
share with such notables as
Oprah Winfrey, Tom Arnold,
and Sarah Ferguson, who are
also not THIN, but are just a
whisper of their former
selves and are largely
(forgive the pun) improved!

Americans ... follow my lead!
You don't have to be SKINNY
... just smaller than you are
now. Trust me - it's a
gateway to flattery!

Thanks!

S. E.

While we're on the subject,
let's not forget our favorite
gateway to flattery: huge
piles of cash.

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

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