for 15 January 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Deal-a-Meal

I spent years happily as a
macrobiotic, trim 155 and
without a friend. The real
issue here is the only way we
can have social contact any
more is at a restaurant. The
press of the day's issues
cannot be explored at work.
The TV must not be
interrupted.... How do you
expect me to socialize
driving 87.2 mph on my way to
work? Don't interrupt my
workout. I need to drop 25 so
that I can look cool at
Vic's.

I believe that these
pressures find their way into
our eating habits; we
displace human contact, and
make up for it at the chow
hour.

David

But what's better than
chatting it up while chowing
down, besides maybe having
sex, doing drugs, and
listening to rock and roll?

Subject: Fat and the American
Way

Mr. Mxyzptlk:

I am chronically inspired by
your article "Larger Than
Life." As a formerly portly
part of the population, I
must add that large Americans
are missing something that
people like myself enjoy -
Former Fatty Flattery.

See, I, myself, did not lose
my weighty girth to the point
of supermodel deformity....
I'm no Kate Moss! (A proud,
average size 10 I am!) What I
do have going for me is the
fact that I was fat. That
way, anyone who knows me
thinks I look terrific simply
because, well, it's an
improvement over my former
state! It's a stigma that I
share with such notables as
Oprah Winfrey, Tom Arnold,
and Sarah Ferguson, who are
also not THIN, but are just a
whisper of their former
selves and are largely
(forgive the pun) improved!

Americans ... follow my lead!
You don't have to be SKINNY
... just smaller than you are
now. Trust me - it's a
gateway to flattery!

Thanks!

S. E.

While we're on the subject,
let's not forget our favorite
gateway to flattery: huge
piles of cash.

Subject: Scylla and Charybdis

When I was satisfied that
Wired [Ventures] wasn't going
to ax Suck, I decided,
against my better judgment,
to renew my subscription to
Wired magazine for 1998. On
the one hand, for the past
year, Wired has been awful;
but on the other hand, they
(sort of) pay (some of) you
guys. Besides, I tell myself:
from Wired, one can learn a
lot about typography and
fontography, albeit strictly
by negative example.

Keep on suckin'.

Sean M. Burke
<sburke@babel.ling.nwu.edu>

Thanks for your charity. Rest
assured, they pay for all of
us guys, therefore your
support is greatly
appreciated.

On the other hand, you could
just send us a check
directly.

Real Genius

In 1996, Polly thanked her
editor for making her look
good. In 1997, she thanked
her cartoonist. Leaving aside
any intraoffice tensions this
may have caused, will 1998
finally be the year in which
she admits that it is she -
Polly! - who is the true
genius of Suck?

Karl Marksred Wreakers of the
Weird

I don't remember thanking
those bastards. Besides, I
thought it was just a given
that I was the true genius of
Suck, however dubious that
accolade might be. 1998: The
Year of the Hack.

Thanks for making me look
bad, Karl.

Polly