The Fish
for 12 January 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll leave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Great Expectations

Mr. Bong,

How in the world can you say
that a Dahmer victim is more
deserving of suffering than
Princess Di? Di wasn't
murdered by a psychopath, she
died in a drunk-driving
accident because she was
brain dead enough to get into
a limo with a drunk at the
wheel and then compounded her
stupidity by not wearing her
seat belt. If I had anything
to say about it, Di would
have been right behind O. J.

People have talked about "all
the charity work she did." If
my mother-in-law were the
richest woman on the planet,
I'm sure I'd have plenty of
time to devote to charity
work, too. What did this
woman actually do for these
charities besides lend them
her name? All I ever saw were
photo-op shots of her looking
forlorn as she strolled
through a ward of poor

I expect better from a

Ken Johnson

To belabor a point obvious to
all but, apparently, you: The
Zeitgeist I was attempting to
define regarding sick jokes
was not my own personal one,
but that of the nation at
large. Dahmer's entrees, er,
victims tended to be
homosexuals, and foreign ones
at that - two groups not
exactly on the collective
"What's Hot" list for Joe and
Jill Sixpack. Lady Di's car
crash was the year's focal
Heartbreaking Tragedy -
witness her portrait in
pixilated flowers on the
cover of Newsweek's Year in
Photos issue.

On the subject of your angst
and anger regarding Lady Di
and/or Sucksters, all I can
say is, in the immortal words
of Lionel Ritchie, "Sahm Bo
Li to Say C'mo Jahm, welllll
Jumbo, Jumbo; goin' ta
part-eh all weeeek long,
Ohhhhh Jumbo, now. Sahm Bo Li
to Say C'mo Jahm, Well,
Jumbo, Jumbo!!"

Happy Hannukah,

James Bong

Fish With Letter Icon

Bitter Pill

Sucking up is a fine art.
It's a skill. It takes
practice, a lack of
self-respect, and a complete
disregard for others.

Now, it should be understood
that sucking and sucking up,
while related, are not to be
confused as the same thing.
Sucking is a default for
everything, everyone, every
time. Sucking up takes

You guys really have put some
effort into it too. Catchy
graphics, nice sharp
commentary, clean copy, and a
jumble of catchwords and
phrases. Who'd have thought
such a cutting-edge
enterprise would grind itself
into the sand with
bandwidth-hogging ads. Ah,
but in the great tradition of
the ZDNet pages, a frame
appears, popping ads in your
face while your rhetoric
glibly comments on the
brainless exploits of others.

Take a pill, and stop sucking
as much as the corporate
pages. Give the frame a
vacation, and set the adverts
off on another page. If I
wanted to go to - I'd
get there without my browser
reminding me.

James Andrew Kimble

You have sinned, James. You
have failed to perceive the
EZ economics of Web
publishing and its winsome,
linksome ways. Your
punishment is three-fold.
First, you shall click on an
ad. Second, you shall
purchase the product pitched
by the ad, regardless of its
applicability to your
lifestyle/demographic (if it
is a Web site, you shall
click on no less than 10 of
its pages). Third, you shall
repeat steps 1 through 3.
Write us back when you're

Fish With Letter Icon

Dumb Mail Week Continues

Subject: "You saved me some
money!" (or at least the
hassle of returning bad

Dear Suck Folks,

I am in Grand Rapids,
Michigan, on a consulting
assignment. (Yes, I know; a
questionable decision on my
part since it's 20° F
here and I'm based in
Florida.) Since I didn't want
to read "work stuff" while I
was eating my bowl of raisin
bran for breakfast, I turned
on the TV instead. While
flipping through channels, I
came upon an infomercial for
... Howard Berg's Mega Speed
Reading System!!!

Wow, was I impressed! And,
the cost was only US$59.99
plus $8.95 s/h!! What a
deal!!! However, before I
called and gave my credit
card number, I did a search
on the Internet for "Howard
Berg" and "speed reading."
Guess what? Your Web site was
one of the hits.

Reading the article (story?
review?) about "Speed Reading
Between the Lines
" from 6
January 1997, I was
entertained, I was informed,
and I am also not going to
order Howard Berg's Mega
Speed Reading System!!!
Thanks for the information
and keep up the good work!

P. G. Valko

Sounds like you need more
help than our Web site can
give, buddy. You might want
to read our article on
, though, before it's
too late. And remember, don't
believe what you see on TV: A
foot can't cut a watermelon.

Fish With Letter Icon

I am in school now and my
teacher doesn't want us to
say "suck," so thanks to your
Web page, me and my friend
have devised a plan. Whenever
we want to say the word
"suck" we just say


Thanx, you've just saved me
and quite a few of my friends
from detentions, office
visits, and who knows what
else ... THANX SUCK!!! :)

live up to your name!!!!

Hey, SUCK.COM this,
MOTHERFUCKER.COM. Stooping Lower than
Notably Immature Teenagers
Since 1995

Fish With Letter Icon

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