for 8 January 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Plenty Good Dumb Male

My grandmother is interested
in Web sites like yours. You
have fallen.

Erich Von Hollander

Have you subscribed her to
our Netscape In-Box Direct
"instant" delivery service?
We could use her hits.

Sucksters

P.S. Have you noticed your
name rhymes with "colander"?

Dumber and Dumbest

Subject: I wrote this

Sir:

I wrote this. Not sure why.
But it is somewhat festive.
I'm sending it to you because
you are a high-powered
publishing icon and I am a
mere buffoon. Enjoy it if you
please. Print it if you like,
or don't. Thanks (I think).

Sincerely,

the guy who wrote this

P.S. I don't know why I
decided to send this to you.

CHRISTMAS CHEESE by Chester
A. Arthur (deceased, no
relation)

Little cheese curds in the vat
Filled with milk and whey
Flavored with a run down cat
Killed on Christmas Day

Tastes of cheddar, hints of brie
Mixed with feline splat
Reminds me of the Christmas tree
Where Mittens once had sat

No more cat calls, claws, or
hair balls
No cat nip or fleas
Fermented Road Kill
Cat, curds, cold chilled
We call Christmas Cheese

Delicious! Send some pronto!

More Wisdom and Insight

Subject: Yes, you do.

Hello,

I find your pages to be some
of the most boring on the
Web. I normally wouldn't
write someone to tell them my
opinion, but in this case you
deserve it. I find nothing
more putrid than a critic (I
know that I am currently
being a critic of Suck
but ...). The biggest loser in
the whole world is a rock
critic followed by movie
critic. The most putrid of
all is yourselves; the
everything critic. Give it
up. Your pages seek to find
fault in the famous, in
trends, in social pop life in
general, ya cows-n-beer ya
sure. Guess what. It's old.
It's tired. It's a dead
horse. Please, I hope you are
through with the flogging.
(Nietzsche's ghost can't bear
it any longer.)

SWN Organization: Go
Packers!!!

Can you send some of those
cows-n-beer you refer to?
(Beer-battered beef?) They
sound absolutely
mouth-watering.

Jerry Brown

"Former California Governor
Jerry Brown will become mayor
of Oakland and, during his
first month in office, will
challenge Bill Gates and
Microsoft to create a private-
sector business initiative
that will revitalize the city
and provide thousands of
jobs. Gates will decline,
politely, sending along a
free copy of Internet
Explorer instead. One year
later, Brown will marry
someone he met in a
chatroom."

All true, but I'd like to add
that the presence of Browns
in City Halls on both sides
of the bay will also prompt
the Bay Guardian or SF Weekly
or both to run a cover story
detailing some vaguely
defined double dealings, and
entitled, inevitably,
"Brownout."

Tim

Don't forget the parody of
said article, accompanied by
the illustrations of a
6-year-old, which will
inevitably appear in
simpleton.

Dumb Male Month Continues

Subject: PITTY

I'TS A SHAME MANKIND TRASHES
TECHNOLOGY ON SITES LIKE
THIS. AND MY NOTE TO THIS
SITE ISN'T GOING TO MEAN
JACK..........BUT IF IT DOES
INSPIRE ONE PERSON TO
THINK,AND USE THEY'RE BRAIN.
MAYBE ABOUT THE DESTINY OF
MAN/WOMEN ;;WHETHER IT'S A
FIELD OF MEDICINE,LEARNING A
SECOND LANGUAGE, OR THINKING
ABOUT SOMEONE OTHER THAN
THEMSELVES IT'S A
START!!!!!!!!!!!

MichaeL Bohnert
<BohnertMS@webtv.net>

Wow. You've made us think
about the destiny of
man/women, including a field
of medicine, learning a
second language, and thinking
about someone other than
themselves (the women, that
is, since there's only one
man). Thank you. Your note
meant Jack to us.