for 7 January 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Jerry Brown

"Former California Governor
Jerry Brown will become mayor
of Oakland and, during his
first month in office, will
challenge Bill Gates and
Microsoft to create a private-
sector business initiative
that will revitalize the city
and provide thousands of
jobs. Gates will decline,
politely, sending along a
free copy of Internet
Explorer instead. One year
later, Brown will marry
someone he met in a
chatroom."

All true, but I'd like to add
that the presence of Browns
in City Halls on both sides
of the bay will also prompt
the Bay Guardian or SF Weekly
or both to run a cover story
detailing some vaguely
defined double dealings, and
entitled, inevitably,
"Brownout."

Tim

Don't forget the parody of
said article, accompanied by
the illustrations of a
6-year-old, which will
inevitably appear in
simpleton.

Dumb Male Month Continues

Subject: PITTY

I'TS A SHAME MANKIND TRASHES
TECHNOLOGY ON SITES LIKE
THIS. AND MY NOTE TO THIS
SITE ISN'T GOING TO MEAN
JACK..........BUT IF IT DOES
INSPIRE ONE PERSON TO
THINK,AND USE THEY'RE BRAIN.
MAYBE ABOUT THE DESTINY OF
MAN/WOMEN ;;WHETHER IT'S A
FIELD OF MEDICINE,LEARNING A
SECOND LANGUAGE, OR THINKING
ABOUT SOMEONE OTHER THAN
THEMSELVES IT'S A
START!!!!!!!!!!!

MichaeL Bohnert
<BohnertMS@webtv.net>

Wow. You've made us think
about the destiny of
man/women, including a field
of medicine, learning a
second language, and thinking
about someone other than
themselves (the women, that
is, since there's only one
man). Thank you. Your note
meant Jack to us.

Filler: Losing Your
Doughnuts?

I just have to tell you
today's Suck was the funniest
thing I've read in at least
24 hours. It could have been
written about my
ex-boyfriend, just when I was
starting to think he wasn't
such a loser. I usually read
Cynthia Heimel at times like
this - good to know I have
Suck, too.

Adnan Bilwani
<bilwani@eng.utah.edu>

Cynthia Heimel is probably a
safer bet for laughs, but we
thank you for mentioning us
in her esteemed company.

Favorite Cynthia Heimel
Chapter Title: "Rich People:
Blow Me"

Bad Mail Month Begins with
You!

Subject: future schmuture

lazy boring i want old suck
back don't like future
predictions bad bad bad. i
count on you guys for my
daily chuckle or thought, and
you're 0 for 3 this week.

like you care what i think.

oh well.

shit.

merry xmas.

Matt Rosoff
<mattr@cnet.com>

Do we care? We care too much!
We ache to please you, Matt.
Ache. We count on you for our
daily affirmation, and you're
0 for 1 this week.

Gosh we're feeling insecure.

Shirts for Skirts

Subject: T-shirt

Where is my T-shirt that I
ordered???

Phatman
<Phatman@icx.net> -
Phatman Esq., Misogynist,
Creep, Freak, Weirdo, Beer
Drinker, Hell Raiser

You know, Phatman, you can
only pretend you don't need
the warmth and love of other
human beings for so long,
before you're forced to admit
it to yourself: You do need
others. You do need arms
around you, Phatman. It's
time for you to open up your
heart and let love in.

Furthermore, you can only
pretend you don't need drugs
to calm you for so long.
Furthermore, you can only
announce your misogyny for so
long. Furthermore, Hell
Raising is no longer in
vogue, or in Vogue for that
matter. Furthermore, quoting
Pink Floyd is highly frowned
upon in almost all circles,
including the I-Am-a-Rock,
I-Am-an-Island circles (not
to be confused with the
Like-a-Rock,
I-Was-Strong-As-I-Could-Be
circles).