The Fish

I just have to tell you
today's Suck was the funniest
thing I've read in at least
24 hours. It could have been
written about my
ex-boyfriend, just when I was
starting to think he wasn't
such a loser. I usually read
Cynthia Heimel at times like
this - good to know I have
Suck, too.

Cynthia Heimel is probably a
safer bet for laughs, but we
thank you for mentioning us
in her esteemed company.

lazy boring i want old suck
back don't like future
predictions bad bad bad. i
count on you guys for my
daily chuckle or thought, and
you're 0 for 3 this week.

Do we care? We care too much!
We ache to please you, Matt.
Ache. We count on you for our
daily affirmation, and you're
0 for 1 this week.

Phatman
<Phatman@icx.net> -
Phatman Esq., Misogynist,
Creep, Freak, Weirdo, Beer
Drinker, Hell Raiser

I don't need no arms around me
I don't need no drugs to calm me
I have seen the writing on the wall
Don't think I need anything at all

Another Brick in the Wall,
Part 3 - 1979

You know, Phatman, you can
only pretend you don't need
the warmth and love of other
human beings for so long,
before you're forced to admit
it to yourself: You do need
others. You do need arms
around you, Phatman. It's
time for you to open up your
heart and let love in.

Furthermore, you can only
pretend you don't need drugs
to calm you for so long.
Furthermore, you can only
announce your misogyny for so
long. Furthermore, Hell
Raising is no longer in
vogue, or in Vogue for that
matter. Furthermore, quoting
Pink Floyd is highly frowned
upon in almost all circles,
including the I-Am-a-Rock,
I-Am-an-Island circles (not
to be confused with the
Like-a-Rock,
I-Was-Strong-As-I-Could-Be
circles).

What? Nothing about the
company that owns Burger King
acquiring Guinness? I suppose
the merger isn't big enough
to set any records, but one
would think you could come up
with a wry comment or two.

And now that Burger King has
reportedly introduced the
world's greatest french fries
(the Irish know a thing or
two about spuds, right?),
we're talking about a circle
jerk of universal
proportions.

Now if we could just convince
Burger King to pull stout at
the drive-through (hell, it
looks just like the syrupy
shite they call Pepsi), we'd
be in business.

Please discontinue my
subscription to Suck as my
children are finding more
ways of getting into things
than I can keep up with....

No problem ... But, do you
have an email address we can
use to contact your kids?

Saw your volume of words and
pics in a bookshop in
Cambridge (UK, not the other
one) ... prominently
displayed ... beside a book
on Christmas carols for cats,
Victor Meldrew's Merry Xmas,
Lenny Henry's Christmas
Recipes, and other such
English cultural icons. A
shock for the kiddies when
they reach for Suck and see
your spleen being vented....
Blow anyone?

Joey Anuff Editor in Chief Terry Colon Art Director Erin Coull Production Manager Heather Havrilesky Senior Editor Ian Connelly Marketing Manager Copy Edit Carl Steadman Co-Founder Ana Marie Cox Executive Editor Sean Welch Suckgineer Owen Thomas Copy Editor T. Jay Fowler Production Manager & Ass Kicker Matt Beer Development Manager	Filler: Losing Your Doughnuts? I just have to tell you today's Suck was the funniest thing I've read in at least 24 hours. It could have been written about my ex-boyfriend, just when I was starting to think he wasn't such a loser. I usually read Cynthia Heimel at times like this - good to know I have Suck, too. Adnan Bilwani <bilwani@eng.utah.edu> Cynthia Heimel is probably a safer bet for laughs, but we thank you for mentioning us in her esteemed company. Favorite Cynthia Heimel Chapter Title: "Rich People: Blow Me" Bad Mail Month Begins with You! Subject: future schmuture lazy boring i want old suck back don't like future predictions bad bad bad. i count on you guys for my daily chuckle or thought, and you're 0 for 3 this week. like you care what i think. oh well. shit. merry xmas. Matt Rosoff <mattr@cnet.com> Do we care? We care too much! We ache to please you, Matt. Ache. We count on you for our daily affirmation, and you're 0 for 1 this week. Gosh we're feeling insecure. Shirts for Skirts Subject: T-shirt Where is my T-shirt that I ordered??? Phatman <Phatman@icx.net> - Phatman Esq., Misogynist, Creep, Freak, Weirdo, Beer Drinker, Hell Raiser I don't need no arms around me I don't need no drugs to calm me I have seen the writing on the wall Don't think I need anything at all Another Brick in the Wall, Part 3 - 1979 You know, Phatman, you can only pretend you don't need the warmth and love of other human beings for so long, before you're forced to admit it to yourself: You do need others. You do need arms around you, Phatman. It's time for you to open up your heart and let love in. Furthermore, you can only pretend you don't need drugs to calm you for so long. Furthermore, you can only announce your misogyny for so long. Furthermore, Hell Raising is no longer in vogue, or in Vogue for that matter. Furthermore, quoting Pink Floyd is highly frowned upon in almost all circles, including the I-Am-a-Rock, I-Am-an-Island circles (not to be confused with the Like-a-Rock, I-Was-Strong-As-I-Could-Be circles). Guinness the Buinness What? Nothing about the company that owns Burger King acquiring Guinness? I suppose the merger isn't big enough to set any records, but one would think you could come up with a wry comment or two. Jimbo <jstoiche@Adobe.COM> No kidding, Jimbo - And now that Burger King has reportedly introduced the world's greatest french fries (the Irish know a thing or two about spuds, right?), we're talking about a circle jerk of universal proportions. Now if we could just convince Burger King to pull stout at the drive-through (hell, it looks just like the syrupy shite they call Pepsi), we'd be in business. Thanks for your note - E. L. Skinner It's Dumb Mail Week Please discontinue my subscription to Suck as my children are finding more ways of getting into things than I can keep up with.... Sincerely, <Name Withheld> No problem ... But, do you have an email address we can use to contact your kids? Here Kiddie Kiddie Saw your volume of words and pics in a bookshop in Cambridge (UK, not the other one) ... prominently displayed ... beside a book on Christmas carols for cats, Victor Meldrew's Merry Xmas, Lenny Henry's Christmas Recipes, and other such English cultural icons. A shock for the kiddies when they reach for Suck and see your spleen being vented.... Blow anyone? Roger <rday@harlequin.co.uk> Anyone? We've blown everyone. Hey, do you have email addresses for those kiddies you mentioned?

for 6 January 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.