The Fish
for 18 December 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll leave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Caveat Emptor


Another trenchant piece, but
I was disappointed that while
you rightly ripped James
Ware's murder mystery, you
let one M. Larry Lawrence off
the hook. Lawrence, who
recently perished doing
hardship duty for his country
as ambassador to Switzerland,
seems to have lied about the
extent of his World War II
service in order to gain
entry into Arlington National
Cemetery. The Washington Post
gives a nice rundown.

I am not in any way amazed
that this guy had the balls
to carry the lie all the way
to the grave. But, unlike
Ware, at least Lawrence could
have come up with a better
story than the lame, "I was
in the merchant marine and
the Germans sank a boat I was
on in 1945." Oh, one other
note. Seems Lawrence had a
habit of dropping major wads
of cash for political
purposes. I know, you are
truly surprised aren't you? A
soft résumé not
withstanding, enough soft
money will land you a plot in
any cemetery from sea to
shining to sea.

Al Thomas

I detect just the teeniest
tiniest note of sarcasm in
your description of the
ambassadorial post that the
man with two first names held
at the time of his death, but
let's stop and think about
it: Larry Lawrence died in
Switzerland. Coincidence? Or
are the Swiss a tough,
treacherous group of
murdering thugs? In the name
of international diplomacy,
let's just say yes, and leave
it at that. The bastards.

Sadly, Mr. Lawrence dished
his sleaze from beyond the
grave after I had already
handed this piece in. But I'm
actually pretty gleeful about
the timing - prove my point,
big beautiful world, prove my

You saw the latest, right?
He's going to be dug up and
shipped home. Quite a story.

Thanks for writing.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Watch the baloney being
passed out to Dallas voters
who are being asked to help
two billionaires build a
basketball-hockey arena that
few locals can afford to
attend a game in.

Hubert J Boykin

No kidding. The battles to
win (or just keep)
professional sports teams by
building taxpayer-funded ego
monuments is one of the
biggest sources of said
"baloney" ever - see "Davis,

On the other hand, where
would all of those
17-year-olds sell hot dogs if
there were no publicly funded
US$200 million stadiums and
sports arenas? 7-Eleven only
has so many jobs to go

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon


Thank you for a very well
written piece today on
www.suckcom. You have a grasp
on language that is enough to
make the scholar weep and the
common man confused.

Neil Carpenter

I like to think that the
scholar is weeping because he
wishes he'd become a rock
star, instead.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Das Book

I've missed the Fish for a
few weeks. Has anyone been
asking why you're using
Barnes & Noble's site
instead of to push
the Suck book? It just seems
that, the first
successful Web-only book
store, would be the fitting
place to sell the first
successful Web-only magazine.
Of course, you could argue
that sentiment within a
medium with such a short
history as the Web is
pointless. You could also
argue that selling out to the
big boys is excusable, even
admirable, if that's what it
takes to survive financially.
Did anyone worry about this?

Will Hines

We used to say things like
"Isn't anyone worried about
this?" Then we'd say things
like "Didn't anyone worry
about this?" But, you know,
keeping up a strong
commitment to quality (to say
nothing of integrity) only
lasts for so long. Truth is,
we'd sell the book out of
Pamela Anderson's asshole if
it would help us sell more
copies. (Not a bad idea -
workshop this with marketing,
pronto. - ed.)

Anyway, thanks for calling us

I was going to buy the Suck
book, but then I found out
that not only are there not
any Fillers in it, but there
also aren't any letters from
Alan Kornheiser.

What the hell gives?

Patrick Mortensen

Good question, Patrick. Oh,
the sleepless nights I've
spent pondering the very
same. Anyway, the least we
can do is throw in a few
letters from Dr. K himself.
Read on.


Fish With Letter Icon

A Few Good Comments from Alan

Subject: Turning and turning
in the widening (helix's)

If you're tired of (or annoyed by)
watching Robert Heinlein's
complex defense of the
fascist virtues reduced to
bug squishing in Starship
you might try to
find a copy of what I think
is his earliest novel,
published in 1939: Beyond
This Horizon.
Although it's
not really a very good novel -
sci-fi wasn't published in book
form in 1939 and he had to
squeeze what he wanted to say
into a format that the
magazines would buy - it
remains the smartest and
sanest thing yet written
about genetic engineering.
The author postulates a
future society in which
parents can choose the best
possible combination of their
genes for their offspring ...
but no more. They can load
the dice as much as they want
to get the best possible roll
of the dice, they can
eliminate any genetic
diseases, but they can't add
anything. No supermen
allowed. As the author points
out, a chimpanzee designing a
superchimpanzee might end up
with many things, but a
human? No way. This is, when
you think about it, just
about as sensible a solution
to the issues of human
genetic engineering as we're
likely to come up with.

Indeed, as you suggest (and I
agree), we'll probably muddle
through the entire genetic
engineering adventure without
too much damage; our common
sense and unwillingness to
move too far too fast will
probably be our best friends.
Still, it's interesting to
see just how much ink is
being spilled over all this,
especially when the
technology not only doesn't
exist to do very much, but
may never exist. There's a
moral here somewhere.

Alan Kornheiser

The Shortest Letter Ever from
Alan Kornheiser

Subject: The ineffable
essence of lousy reportage

Most excellent writing. Keep
it up. The sand you see
around you, grasshopper, was
once a boulder. Effort is
rarely wasted, even when no
immediate results appear.


Alan Kornheiser

Fish With Letter Icon

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