The Fish
for 11 December 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll leave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

News Above the Title


Beautiful as usual, one of my
favorite pieces by one of my
favorite Suck writers.

Keep filing these "It was
like the movies" events, they
could lead to a book.

I was reminded of Walker
Percy's novel, The Moviegoer
(where the protagonist, Binx
Bolling, relates all his
deepest and truest feelings
to cinematic moments) and the
film Slacker, where the guy
who's witnessed the murder in
the convenience store says it
was all wrong, the hue was
off, the blood wasn't the
right color, there was no
slo-mo, etcetera.

And your punchline about the
light flickering on a screen
has all sorts of Platonic
possibilities for exploring
the fire and the cave blah
blah blah, but honestly I
think you're onto something
worth pursuing and a very
marketable book might come of
it were you to pursue it

Best regards,

Read Schuchardt

Thanks for the "favorite"
description; this, as they
say, works for me. Very kind.
Have you read David Foster
Wallace's novel Infinite
? Heavy, heavy
theme, and just ridiculously

As far as getting a
marketable book out of all
this, I was leaning more
toward a marketable movie.
This, after all, is what
writing for Suck reminds me
of the most....

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Usually the articles in Suck
make me laugh or at the
least, chuckle. Yours however
saddened me as it is just
another confirmation in my
mind that the human race as a
whole is a bunch of vapid,
shallow, self-centered

The comment that "the
gun battle that claimed two
lives had been just like a
movie" and "what was
described as a scene from a
war movie erupted in their
parking lot" just proves that
the only sources of
information that the masses
use are TV and movies,
showing that they are
incredibly lazy and are more
than willing to allow
themselves to believe the
biased, opinionated,
sensationalized reports that
are spewed out to gain
ratings, rather than making
up their own minds from
information gathered from
many sources.

Why, oh why do we have all
these laws to protect the
stupid? We are destroying
natural selection and
degrading the human race.

Thanks for listening to my

Jeff Royer

Sounds like I ruined your
whole day - I absolutely
promise to write something
funny sometime in the near
future. Just hoping for some
amusing topic to explore -
maybe if we start bombing
Iraq again....

Oh, and I'm not convinced
that "the masses" aren't
tuning out of the
not-really-the-news news in
droves; I think, or like to
think, that there are
actually a pretty good number
of people out there who
rankle when their
intelligence is being
insulted. At least I hope so.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Vanderjagt

Though I don't agree with
your assessment of Chuck
Green as "ordinarily capable"
(I think he's a one-note
hack), I have to say that you
articulated a reaction I had
reading the coverage last
week of the Vanderjagt
murder: When did it become OK
for "mainstream," respected
newspapers to dish out sappy,
insipid, cliché-ridden
coverage of genuine tragedies
that cry out for deeper
analysis? Being very familiar
with many aspects of the
JonBenet Ramsey case, I have
had a chance to see up close
what the media does, and it
isn't pretty. (It's sort of
like Mad City....)

Alex Goulder

Speaking of which, did you
see Chuck Green's column
today (Wednesday)? So ...

"The seeds of hate seem to be
planted in the soul of each
of us, but it grows and
flourishes in only a few.
Unless someone like Hitler
comes along to fertilize it,
it remains dormant in most of

"But it is always there, and
we can't become complacent to
it or it will suddenly rise
up and kill, as it has done
twice in our city this

I must remember not to be
complacent, or another
skinhead will shoot another
cop. That cause-and-effect
relationship is really clear,

And don't get me started on
the JonBenet thing. Imagine
if all those reporters
devoted all that energy to -
radical idea coming -
examining government spending
or the effect of decisions
made by business leaders on
their communities and

But, you know, never mind.

Be careful about saying that
you're "very familiar with
many aspects of the JonBenet
Ramsey case." You'll have
Vanity Fair camping on your

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

News above the Title

This is a very thoughtful
piece, and you're a very good
writer who knows how to use
words properly. I wish I had
your insight and
thought-to-hand coordination.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr. asserted
that "Life happens too fast
for you to ever think about
it. If you could just
persuade people of this, but
they insist on amassing
information." I believe that
trying to find meaning or
lessons in every situation is
a kind of information massing
and that one man's
conclusions are just another
man's basis for disagreement.
Like Plutarch, I'm disposed
to think that calling a spade
a spade is "rude and
clownish" (although I favor
it), and thus the media
avoids this by choosing
things we don't want to
experience and then by
describing them as something
we can (and do) relate to.
Neither does it offend. It's
the way we want things to be.
Were life a movie, Terri
Hatcher would be constantly
pleading with me to return to
bed, and I probably wouldn't
have read your piece today.

David George

I would've put your opening a
little differently -
something like, "You're a
real good writer who uses
words good." But, then, I am
a professional. (Let me just
add that whenever I really
use my "thought-to-hand
coordination," my roommates
generally spray me with the
hose. I have these thoughts,
okay? Is that wrong?)

I saw Kurt Vonnegut speak
(and sit and roll over) once,
and I still have the program
hanging on my wall. I wrote
down something he said, and
stop to look at it again
pretty much all the time:
"Let me tell you something -
and don't ever let anyone
tell you differently. We are
here on Earth ... to fart

As for the whole
information-massing thing,
okay: I tend to think that
we're pretty much always
filling up with information
anyway, so we might as well
try to point the ol' noggin
toward some information worth
accumulating, and might as
well try to shape it in some
half-reasoned way.
Disagreement is a pretty
interesting way of doing some
of that shaping, too. And bad
news copy is not much
different from Party of
information-wise. Which
is why I get all of my news
from The Onion.

Were life a movie, I'd
probably be trying to
convince Terri Hatcher to
dump your ass and get busy
with me.

But it's a neat idea.

Thanks for writing.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

It's Joke Time

An American, a Canadian, and
an Australian were sitting in
a seedy bar enjoying a few
beers. The American grabbed
his beer, knocked it back in
one gulp, then he threw the
glass into the air and shot
it with his handgun. As he
set the handgun on the bar,
he told the Canadian and the
Australian that in the great
US of A they had so much
money they never drank out of
the same glass twice. Next,
the Australian drank his
beer, threw the glass into
the air, and shot the glass
with the American's gun. As
he was setting the gun back
on the bar he proclaimed that
in Australia they had so much
sand that glass was cheap and
he too never drank out of the
same glass twice. Next, the
Canadian drank his beer,
grabbed the gun off the bar,
and shot the American. As he
was setting the gun back on
the bar, he told the
Australian that in Canada they
have so many Americans you
never have to drink with the
same one twice.

Rev Simon Rumble

Funny funny! Only, you got
the ending wrong. What
actually happens is, the
American gets in his Lexus
and drives off and the
Canadian spends the rest of
the night writing emails
about how stupid and lame
Americans are. And the
Australian, uh ... gets
wasted, spills a Foster's all
over his collection of ABBA
trading cards, rambles on
about Rupert Murdoch, and
ends up singing something
about "there's a bear in
there and a chair in there,
when I kissed the

Fish With Letter Icon

The Stuff -- it's a list of stuff we like

Little link to Suck
Arrow Image
Contacting Us
Contributors Index
Little Barrel Link
Little Gun Link
A machine producing Suck
Link To Tech Notes