The Fish
for 10 December 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[yes, it's a plunger. i'll leave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit









	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

News above the Title

This is a very thoughtful
piece, and you're a very good
writer who knows how to use
words properly. I wish I had
your insight and
thought-to-hand coordination.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr. asserted
that "Life happens too fast
for you to ever think about
it. If you could just
persuade people of this, but
they insist on amassing
information." I believe that
trying to find meaning or
lessons in every situation is
a kind of information massing
and that one man's
conclusions are just another
man's basis for disagreement.
Like Plutarch, I'm disposed
to think that calling a spade
a spade is "rude and
clownish" (although I favor
it), and thus the media
avoids this by choosing
things we don't want to
experience and then by
describing them as something
we can (and do) relate to.
Neither does it offend. It's
the way we want things to be.
Were life a movie, Terri
Hatcher would be constantly
pleading with me to return to
bed, and I probably wouldn't
have read your piece today.

David George
<dsueii@lasercom.net>

I would've put your opening a
little differently -
something like, "You're a
real good writer who uses
words good." But, then, I am
a professional. (Let me just
add that whenever I really
use my "thought-to-hand
coordination," my roommates
generally spray me with the
hose. I have these thoughts,
okay? Is that wrong?)

I saw Kurt Vonnegut speak
(and sit and roll over) once,
and I still have the program
hanging on my wall. I wrote
down something he said, and
stop to look at it again
pretty much all the time:
"Let me tell you something -
and don't ever let anyone
tell you differently. We are
here on Earth ... to fart
around."

As for the whole
information-massing thing,
okay: I tend to think that
we're pretty much always
filling up with information
anyway, so we might as well
try to point the ol' noggin
toward some information worth
accumulating, and might as
well try to shape it in some
half-reasoned way.
Disagreement is a pretty
interesting way of doing some
of that shaping, too. And bad
news copy is not much
different from Party of
Five,
information-wise. Which
is why I get all of my news
from The Onion.

Were life a movie, I'd
probably be trying to
convince Terri Hatcher to
dump your ass and get busy
with me.

But it's a neat idea.

Thanks for writing.

Ambrose Beers

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

It's Joke Time

An American, a Canadian, and
an Australian were sitting in
a seedy bar enjoying a few
beers. The American grabbed
his beer, knocked it back in
one gulp, then he threw the
glass into the air and shot
it with his handgun. As he
set the handgun on the bar,
he told the Canadian and the
Australian that in the great
US of A they had so much
money they never drank out of
the same glass twice. Next,
the Australian drank his
beer, threw the glass into
the air, and shot the glass
with the American's gun. As
he was setting the gun back
on the bar he proclaimed that
in Australia they had so much
sand that glass was cheap and
he too never drank out of the
same glass twice. Next, the
Canadian drank his beer,
grabbed the gun off the bar,
and shot the American. As he
was setting the gun back on
the bar, he told the
Australian that in Canada they
have so many Americans you
never have to drink with the
same one twice.

Rev Simon Rumble
<simon@rumble.waratah.id.au>

Funny funny! Only, you got
the ending wrong. What
actually happens is, the
American gets in his Lexus
and drives off and the
Canadian spends the rest of
the night writing emails
about how stupid and lame
Americans are. And the
Australian, uh ... gets
wasted, spills a Foster's all
over his collection of ABBA
trading cards, rambles on
about Rupert Murdoch, and
ends up singing something
about "there's a bear in
there and a chair in there,
when I kissed the
teacher...."

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Esquire

Hello Bob,

You folks at Suck used to
have it goin' on. I read you
every day, delighting in your
diatribes against excess and
pretension. Then, after a
while, I thought you'd gotten
a bit stale. Today, I checked
out the site for the first
time in quite a while, hoping
for some sharp satire and
incisive wit.

What'd I get instead? A
mean-spirited,
chip-on-our-shoulder rant
against a fashion model who
not only has been frequently
described (by MANY
publications, persons, etc.)
as the most beautiful woman
in the world, but who is, by
all accounts, a decent,
unassuming young woman.

For the record, I am neither
a fan nor a detractor of
Christy Turlington. I just
hate to see such a waste of
bandwidth by spoiled,
self-styled arbiters of cool.
(By the way, how's that Wired
IPO coming?)

Go after deserving targets
next time. Esquire magazine
may qualify; Ms. Turlington
surely does not.

Sincerely,

Scott Albert
<scojo@yahoo.com>

Okay, so we took a shot at
Esquire and Turlington got
caught in the crossfire. Big
deal.

Or so we thought, until we
got your letter. We had no
idea that many publications,
persons, etc. have described
Turlington as the most
beautiful woman in the world!
Certainly if we had known
that she was widely
recognized as such, we would
never have lobbed cheap shots
at her. The most beautiful
woman in the world deserves
better treatment - much, much
better. We only wish that
this most-beautiful thing
were publicized more, so that
we would've known to leave
her alone.

We were still reeling from
the shame of that mistake,
and then you got us with that
Wired IPO jab! The IPO
attempt took place a year and
a half ago, but it still
hurts like it was yesterday.
The pride we take in our
association with Wired made
your comments particularly
upsetting.

Please, as much as we
appreciate your guidance, you
have to promise to spare us
any more of your biting
criticism. Our self-esteem
just can't handle such
crushing blows.

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Hey, Bob,

I see you read Esquire. Yes,
it has had its unfortunate
moments. This is the third
article I've read that
questions the editorial
liberty of a fine magazine in
the past month and a half. If
it truly sucks, quit reading
it. Me? I'll hang on waiting
for the special insights
Esquire has given the world
over the years. Hell, why
don't you try publishing a
magazine for 64 years without
going stale every now and
again?

I remember a "Man at His
Best" article, in the midst
of the body revolution of the
'80s, describing how to cook
a filet mignon to its rarest
form in a "salt" oven, and
when done, dropping the cut -
up pieces in a (I think I'm
quoting) "vat" of drawn
butter. The concept being,
the guy who gets to cut the
beef and drop it in the vat
gets to lick his fingers.

Wouldn't go over well now,
but I dream about that
concept week after week. It
had such a Reagan decadence
to it.

If you still feel upset with
Esquire, find a copy of
Volume 99, No. 6, June 1983,
masturbate with it in your
free hand, and repeat after
me (with your eyes closed):

"Esquire sucks. Oh, yeah,
baby, you suck!"

Birdman
<birdman@powernet.net>

Um, cuts of beef? "Vat"?
"Salt"? Licking fingers?
Spanking monkeys? What?

Thanks for making our skin
crawl.

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

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