The Fish
for 9 December 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll leave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


Hello Bob,

You folks at Suck used to
have it goin' on. I read you
every day, delighting in your
diatribes against excess and
pretension. Then, after a
while, I thought you'd gotten
a bit stale. Today, I checked
out the site for the first
time in quite a while, hoping
for some sharp satire and
incisive wit.

What'd I get instead? A
chip-on-our-shoulder rant
against a fashion model who
not only has been frequently
described (by MANY
publications, persons, etc.)
as the most beautiful woman
in the world, but who is, by
all accounts, a decent,
unassuming young woman.

For the record, I am neither
a fan nor a detractor of
Christy Turlington. I just
hate to see such a waste of
bandwidth by spoiled,
self-styled arbiters of cool.
(By the way, how's that Wired
IPO coming?)

Go after deserving targets
next time. Esquire magazine
may qualify; Ms. Turlington
surely does not.


Scott Albert

Okay, so we took a shot at
Esquire and Turlington got
caught in the crossfire. Big

Or so we thought, until we
got your letter. We had no
idea that many publications,
persons, etc. have described
Turlington as the most
beautiful woman in the world!
Certainly if we had known
that she was widely
recognized as such, we would
never have lobbed cheap shots
at her. The most beautiful
woman in the world deserves
better treatment - much, much
better. We only wish that
this most-beautiful thing
were publicized more, so that
we would've known to leave
her alone.

We were still reeling from
the shame of that mistake,
and then you got us with that
Wired IPO jab! The IPO
attempt took place a year and
a half ago, but it still
hurts like it was yesterday.
The pride we take in our
association with Wired made
your comments particularly

Please, as much as we
appreciate your guidance, you
have to promise to spare us
any more of your biting
criticism. Our self-esteem
just can't handle such
crushing blows.

Fish With Letter Icon

Hey, Bob,

I see you read Esquire. Yes,
it has had its unfortunate
moments. This is the third
article I've read that
questions the editorial
liberty of a fine magazine in
the past month and a half. If
it truly sucks, quit reading
it. Me? I'll hang on waiting
for the special insights
Esquire has given the world
over the years. Hell, why
don't you try publishing a
magazine for 64 years without
going stale every now and

I remember a "Man at His
Best" article, in the midst
of the body revolution of the
'80s, describing how to cook
a filet mignon to its rarest
form in a "salt" oven, and
when done, dropping the cut -
up pieces in a (I think I'm
quoting) "vat" of drawn
butter. The concept being,
the guy who gets to cut the
beef and drop it in the vat
gets to lick his fingers.

Wouldn't go over well now,
but I dream about that
concept week after week. It
had such a Reagan decadence
to it.

If you still feel upset with
Esquire, find a copy of
Volume 99, No. 6, June 1983,
masturbate with it in your
free hand, and repeat after
me (with your eyes closed):

"Esquire sucks. Oh, yeah,
baby, you suck!"


Um, cuts of beef? "Vat"?
"Salt"? Licking fingers?
Spanking monkeys? What?

Thanks for making our skin

Fish With Letter Icon


I'm guessing that you've read
most of The Baffler's rants
about Wired et al. I'm also
guessing that you either
don't care (amoral) or are
being obstinate (immoral).

And you forgot to put quotes
around the word "rebellious"
when describing Mondo 2000.
Let's face facts; they're as
rebellious as anything else
in the American media, which
is to say, not at all.

Michael Sheridan

We long ago read The
exegesis on Wired
and were shocked, shocked to
learn that our corporate
patrons weren't really
digital revolutionaries at
all - but instead were merely
"selling anxiety." Further
reading revealed that Sassy, Details,
Spin, Esquire, MTV, and a
host of other nefarious
merchants of "cool" were in
on the scam, too - they're
all just in it for the cash!
Sadly, this profound insight
only made us more anxious,
and we were forced to cancel
all our subscriptions
(indifferent) and start a
publication of our very own
(insipid). Next thing we
knew, we were American media,
too, which is to say, nothing
at all.

Fish With Letter Icon


I just wanted to let you
know, I really love you guys!

I don't care about your
motivations, or your
patent-pending Elsworth
Toohey meta-denigration of
all people over-qualified &
under-employed and justly
confined to fabric-lined
cubicles. I don't care about
your bitter hopes and dreams
for acquisition & expulsion
by some rich yo-yo.

Please, if for nothing else
than just to annoy you let me
shower you with big slavering


David Benjamin

Aww. That was cute.

Now go fetch this brick.

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Apple's new homepage

Tipped off by
rec.humor.funny, I went to
look at Apple's new home
page: the cookie, the
shopping cart, the
screwdriver. They've got to
be pretty desperate to be
stealing Suck's paradigm.

If only they had your sense
of irony ...

John A. Burns

That's what separates us from
the rest. Our sense of irony.
Few have it, everyone wants
it. But for a small price, it
can be yours! The newest Suck
, Irony Sells: How to
Cultivate and Market Your
Sense of Irony for Fun and
just hit the shelves,
and it promises a world of
knowledge to those who know
where to look for it.
Featuring chapters on
"consumerist irony,"
"workplace irony," "gen-X
irony," "sexual irony," and
(our personal favorite)
"punk-rock irony," plus a
special section on stealing
competitors' paradigms and
claiming them as your own.
Use this step-by-step guide
to secure your choice of
fabulous careers, from Net
pundit to sitcom creator to
ad agency "creative"! Just
US$19.95 plus shipping and

Fish With Letter Icon

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