The Fish
for 8 December 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll leave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


I'm guessing that you've read
most of The Baffler's rants
about Wired et al. I'm also
guessing that you either
don't care (amoral) or are
being obstinate (immoral).

And you forgot to put quotes
around the word "rebellious"
when describing Mondo 2000.
Let's face facts; they're as
rebellious as anything else
in the American media, which
is to say, not at all.

Michael Sheridan

We long ago read The
exegesis on Wired
and were shocked, shocked to
learn that our corporate
patrons weren't really
digital revolutionaries at
all - but instead were merely
"selling anxiety." Further
reading revealed that Sassy, Details,
Spin, Esquire, MTV, and a
host of other nefarious
merchants of "cool" were in
on the scam, too - they're
all just in it for the cash!
Sadly, this profound insight
only made us more anxious,
and we were forced to cancel
all our subscriptions
(indifferent) and start a
publication of our very own
(insipid). Next thing we
knew, we were American media,
too, which is to say, nothing
at all.

Fish With Letter Icon


I just wanted to let you
know, I really love you guys!

I don't care about your
motivations, or your
patent-pending Elsworth
Toohey meta-denigration of
all people over-qualified &
under-employed and justly
confined to fabric-lined
cubicles. I don't care about
your bitter hopes and dreams
for acquisition & expulsion
by some rich yo-yo.

Please, if for nothing else
than just to annoy you let me
shower you with big slavering


David Benjamin

Aww. That was cute.

Now go fetch this brick.

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Apple's new homepage

Tipped off by
rec.humor.funny, I went to
look at Apple's new home
page: the cookie, the
shopping cart, the
screwdriver. They've got to
be pretty desperate to be
stealing Suck's paradigm.

If only they had your sense
of irony ...

John A. Burns

That's what separates us from
the rest. Our sense of irony.
Few have it, everyone wants
it. But for a small price, it
can be yours! The newest Suck
, Irony Sells: How to
Cultivate and Market Your
Sense of Irony for Fun and
just hit the shelves,
and it promises a world of
knowledge to those who know
where to look for it.
Featuring chapters on
"consumerist irony,"
"workplace irony," "gen-X
irony," "sexual irony," and
(our personal favorite)
"punk-rock irony," plus a
special section on stealing
competitors' paradigms and
claiming them as your own.
Use this step-by-step guide
to secure your choice of
fabulous careers, from Net
pundit to sitcom creator to
ad agency "creative"! Just
US$19.95 plus shipping and

Fish With Letter Icon

Skin-Deep Thoughts

Thanks for skewering
Esquire's Christy codswallop.
I leafed through the ish at
B&N and marveled that, yes,
something could be worse than
the Kevin Spacey tripe which
appeared in the previous

David Hicks

What's codswallop? It sounds

Fish With Letter Icon

The real lesson? Commentary
is usually more interesting
than someone else's
experience. Cure for banality
and mundane realism:
psychological interpretation
- psychologists' revenge for
not getting the answers they
naively sought in Psych 101;
it's a hoot!

Thanks for the deeply
satisfying laughs.

Andy Ursino,
Clinical & Consulting Psychology

Glad we could be deeply
satisfying. Hey - maybe we
could trade - deeply
satisfying laughter for
therapy? Hell,
psychoanalyzing us could
bring you more deeply
satisfying laughter than you
can imagine.

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Takin' Pot Shots at
Christy and Esquire

So what's the point?

Yeah, fine, Esquire has a new
editor who writes painfully
clichéd stuff about
how the magazine's going to
innovate where every magazine
has innovated, and they do
big articles about Christy
Turlington, who is evidently
about as interesting as any
28-year-old Caucasian North
American female, but
better-looking than most.

So what? Can't Suck writers
come up with something less
obvious? What makes Esquire
such a great target? The rag
already has a big target
painted on it.

Suck is not doing anything
different from Esquire by
doing the brainlessly
obvious. That peeves me.

I did like Terry's drawing of
Christy's hind parts and
legs, though. However, on
first glance at the Estupido
cover, I was sure it was a
Polly Esther column, and that
was her on the cover. I
always imagined Polly as
having legs like that,

Keep on Sucking ...

John Zero,
Director, Ablative Research

Um, Caucasian North American
females in their late 20s are
interesting enough; it's the
supermodels who are, for the
most part, a huge bore. The
majority of these women have
nothing to say because no one
has ever asked them to say
anything, outside of
skin-care tips and the pros
and cons of yoga and
veganism. They've been
sitting under hot lights
getting their asses powdered
since they were 14, their
minds permanently profaned by
the habit of attending to
trivial things. Don't blame
Christy, blame the horny
editor who insists on
force-feeding us this bland

And hey, imagine anything you
want, Mr. Zero, but expect to
catch a little slack from
comfortably loudmouthed North
American females who get the
heebs when you make oily
comments about their hind

Polly Esther

Fish With Letter Icon

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