for 4 December 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Bad Drivers

Dear Sucksters ...

I recently moved to a small
town to get away from heavy
traffic, and city life. I
have had it with stupid
@$$ho!e drivers. Lately, they
bother me even when I'm not
driving. Take this morning
for instance. I was getting
dressed for work and all of a
sudden I can hear someone
blowing their car horn. I
don't know if that person got
cut off or what, but the horn
didn't stop for at least five
minutes - not until someone
called the cops. And then all
I could hear was this guy
yelling about another driver.

I like my mornings quiet and
stress free. That is why I
moved to a small town. I was
quite surprised (the first
week after I moved) to hear
loud Har(d)ley's driving down
the road at 6 a.m. and again
late at night. I guess I
should be thankful that only
lasts during the warm months.
(Rolling my eyes) Doesn't
anyone have any respect
anymore? Does anyone think
about the fact that what they
are doing might affect
others? I can't understand
why people want to make other
people miserable by being
obnoxious. I think I am so
angry about it because I
don't understand it. If
anyone reading this is one of
those people, please tell me
why you do it. Maybe it's
some kind of sick twisted
anger thing you're working
out.

Jen Cummings
<fernie@fast.net>

Speaking of sick twisted
anger things you're working
out, it's time for you to
stop blaming others for your
unhappiness ... unless you're
going to do it more
comically. Like we do.

Have you considered hiring an
illustrator?

I love the idea of a movie.
How about Suck's Canadian
Vacation?

Chevy Chase could play the
rabbit.

Paul

We've already got Buddy
Hackett signed on for the
part of the rabbit. Chevy
Chase could maybe play the
fish, though....

Salon review of Suck book

Dear Sucksters:

Gee. Salon didn't like your
new book. I suppose you guys
can somehow deal with that.
I'll buy a copy anyway; my
mother's been asking me about
you.

Oddly enough, there really
used to be intelligent life
on that site. Now they have a
love-life expert who - gasp -
discovers that men are more
interested in anonymous sex
than are women, and a sex
expert who discovers - double
gasp - that Hollywood is
incapable of realistically
portraying pornographers. Oh
yes, they've discovered
children. (They can discover
mine.) And travel; travel is
nice. Good way to get a few
ads as well.

Every now and then they print
something literate by
somebody or other and I'm
fooled into thinking the site
is literate when, in fact,
they've just gotten lucky.
They don't get it, do they?
We're looking forward to your
reply. You ARE going to reply
aren't you?

Alan Kornheiser
<Askornheiser@prodigy.net>

Reply to you? Of course, we
always have time to reply
to you, Alan.

Salmon stands as our eternal
shrine to those People Who
Read and Mothers Who Think.
Let us know when there's
something new to say about
them, and we're all over it.
Until then, we'll go on
reading Cintra's elegant
prose in silent awe.

Le Mans Beaver Myopia

Subject: Yes! And it counts!
Marv Albert, Suck, and Stuff
to Prepare Chicken

Shakin' 'n' bakin' be as it
is, so

Why require the roving recon
of 20/20 myopia and sugared
droppings?

Y'all musta watched Baba-wawa

You must have sat through the
fizz

To render your daily salsa

Spilled,

Unbecoming on our

Collective (!) Hawaiian
shirt, man.

Though it blends in, it smells

(Spilled really is a great
word. How about a damn week's
worth of columns just on
SPILLED! One could name a
breed of DOG SPILLED. Think,
just THINK, damn you, of the
possibilities!!!) As
Sucksters blink onward,
roasting and toasting and
heaving it to beaver,

We await departure.

Get us away from
15-mile-per-hour ventures of
sportster Casanovas, man

And gimme a ticket, a case of
bordeaux, to 24 hours of Le
Mans, girl.

Thank you, thank you, thank
you, thank you very much, oh
... yessssss, thank you.

Your note was like a spicy,
cilantro-mango salsa in our
collective enchilada. Oh yes,
etc.