The Fish
for 1 December 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Contributing Editor


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll leave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Ars Attacks

From my own worm's-eye view,
most of what is considered to
be important contemporary art
is inherently adolescent in
its self-indulgence. Museums
are basically porno theaters
where the art criterati can
watch intellectual
masturbation of the most
banal kind.

This is not to say that there
is no great or significant
art being created in this
generation. But in the
schoolyard that is conceptual
art, the bullies who shout
the loudest command the most
attention if not respect.

Once again let me stress that
this is really an incredibly
subjective and not terribly
knowledgeable opinion.

Chris Deeks,
South Africa

The beauty of the art
industry is that people don't
feel comfortable commenting
on it without throwing in
disclaimers about how their
opinions are incredibly
subjective and not terribly
knowledgeable. Only art
critics and art history
majors can see with any
semblance of clarity that not
only is the emperor wearing
clothes, but those clothes
are made of crimson red
threads and golden amber
threads intertwined so
delicately and complexly that
they almost seem to be at war
with each other, perhaps
suggesting the eternal
struggle between the blood of
the proletariat and the
wealth of the upper echelons
of society.

Fish With Letter Icon

I never saw a villain on
Miami Vice worth his salt who
did not have a hot pad, hot
bitch, and great ride. Art is
our only real interest. Why
else can you buy matching
bath towels in every color of
the rainbow? Even toilet
paper comes in designs and

David A. Dorney

Um ... Yeah. Toilet paper.
Better wipe well after that

Fish With Letter Icon

Still Crazy After All These

Hey, I live in Christian
County here in the middle of
Buttfuck Egypt (Illinois)
right by Roby, and I thought
that the Shirley Allen thing,
though exposing this shit
hole more than any other
event EVER, was about the
stupidest thing to begin with
and then stupider when the
locals took it to new

First of all, the family
should take care of gramma
instead of trying to commit
her like a dog that's way
sick. They could've handled
poor gramma by themselves,
without ANY help. Now that
judge, I don't know what the
hell his problem is. He must
be from Taylorville like me
in order to be so STUPID to
not undo his mistakes after
all the police bullshit.
About the goddam cops in this
area - if they spent half the
time they spend hassling
skaters and punks and giving
speeding tickets on enforcing
the laws that matter, they
might've realized how
incredibly DUMB and
BRAINWASHED they are. That
fucking sheriff guy or
whatever he is, "We are just
following the regular police
procedures." Bullshit. Events
like this don't take place
very often ANYWHERE. That
means they've never taken
place HERE for sure. Moron.
Instead of having some
compassion for an old lady he
followed his training
(brainwashing) and tortured
the piss out of her.

The locals. Heh. Here's a bit
of background: The biggest
event annually around here is
the ChiliFest. Yeah. A bunch
of people gather around the
courthouse here in
Taylorville and have a chili
contest and try to sell shit.
Exciting. So, what to expect
from these people than
Shirley Allen ("Roby Ridge"
is what they called the whole
spiel - from the Ruby Ridge
hostage thing) - eight
DIFFERENT cig lighters,
T-shirts, bumper stickers,
and license plate frames. I'm
sure there's other SHIT, but
this is just what I know of.
Not to mention the front-page
newspaper shit for two months.

So, what is my overall
evaluation of the whole
situation? Well, it's
bullshit. They should let
Shirley be living in her
house alone (crazy or not) if
she wants. This country is
about the freedom she lost.
One good thing about the
situation was the protest by
the courthouse one day (even
though there were fucking
state cops on rooftops ready
to gun down SOMETHING - I'm
not sure what). At least SOME
people took it seriously and
fought for the lady's
freedom. The cops - well, I'm
sure the sheriff or whatever
won't be the most popular
person, nor will that judge.
In conclusion, if at all
possible, try to stay far
away from Central Illinois.
Hell, if you can, stay away
from the whole state. That
is, unless you're in Chicago
on business. Or, for the love
of god, a REPORTER.

<Name Withheld to Protect
Author from Resentful Locals>

Thanks for your thoughts and
observations on the locals.
I'm glad more people agree
Shirley should have been left
alone. And don't worry, I
intend to stay away from
Illinois, reporter or no.


Fish With Letter Icon

And Now, Yet Another Word
from Alan Kornheiser

Subject: I'm OK, you we worry

Nonsense. Squared. Or do you
think our cities have become
happier, brighter, and more
scenic places because of all
the deinstitutionalized
loonies wandering gaily
through them?

People who cannot take care
of themselves need to be
taken care of. Various forms
of madness horribly
incapacitate people who
nonetheless refuse to accept
their illness. Don't take my
word for it; open your window
and listen to the people
screaming outside in the
streets who refuse medical

Is eccentricity madness? Of
course not. But some of the
people living alone in the
woods are holy hermits, some
are in deep psychic pain, and
some are the Unabomber.
Decency requires that we give
them the benefit of the
doubt, but decency also
requires that we help those
who need help, even sometimes
when they themselves don't
think they need help. Or have
you never tried to put a
cranky child to sleep when he's
way past his bedtime?

Who should decide? Well, not
the police, who lack the
mindset. And not the courts
by themselves, who lack the
skills. Which leaves us the
psychiatrists and
psychologists who - surprise!
- really do know a few things
about madness and really do
care about the sick and
damaged. We require good
legal tools to keep people
from being pushed around,
true, but such tools exist
today; indeed, such tools are
overused today.

One more time: Madness is not
holy. Madness is limiting.
Madness hurts. Don't take my
word for it; ask that poor
woman herself, once she gets
back on her antidepressants
with the dosage adjusted.

Alan Kornheiser

If you don't think people who
are demonstrably able to take
care of themselves should
lose all their rights because
a certified doctor (in a
profession that openly calls
almost any possible behavior
"mental illness") says so,
then there's not much common
ground to discuss. I'm sure
if you lock someone up
without benefit of trial and
pump anyone full of enough
drugs, you can get them to
say anything you tell them to


Fish With Letter Icon

Juan's Addiction

Jane's Addiction. I saw them
last night here in Houston.
Rocked. It was a really short
show though. And not only did
they play a REALLY short set,
they didn't play an encore
either. So, like, it rocked,
but not long enough. He has
"booby girls" and stuff too
... oh, and he went through
the crowd three times to change
stages throughout the show.
There were two big tall riser
things and one smaller stage
in the rear, and after one of
the songs, Flea and Dave went
upstage and climbed up on
some stage-dressing stuff
they put on stage, and before
I realized what was going on,
Perry was right in front of
me, trying to get up in the
riser, and then he climbed to
the top and did "Summertime."
I was close enough to touch
him - pretty cool. So like, I
guess if you want to hang out
by the opening of the riser
you could like, I dunno, do
something or something.
Anyways, saw the alt text on
the images and thought I
would write you since I saw
them last night and all.


Unbelievable, man. You should
be paid to write this

Fish With Letter Icon

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