The Fish
for 20 November 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll leave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Return of the Stalker

Thank you kindly for both the
reference to the jovi and the
fooey. What a Wednesday it
was - more so after I used a
Lite-Brite reference to
explain basic image
resolution concepts. Back to

Grant Carpenter

The jovi?

Good lord, man, get help

Fish With Letter Icon

Warm Up the Shredder

To understand Suck, readers
must have seen The Three
so they will
understand references to El
Guapo and Canadian Bacon, and
so they will understand the
truth about Canada.

I'm sorry to say this, but
Suck has much in common with
David Letterman and Esquire.
Anyone who sends mail to
Letterman, Esquire, or Suck
gets shredded mercilessly.
Unlike Letterman and
Esquire, Suck doesn't make
lots of money. How do you
explain that?

Erich Von Hollander

Are you suggesting that all
one needs to do to make lots
of money is to shred every
piece of mail mercilessly?

In that case:

Erich Von Hollander
Took out his colander
Wishing to drain his peas.
His colander failed
His peas, how they sailed
Bringing Erich to his knees.

Erich Von Hollander
Cursed at his colander
For making his knees
all a' blister.
"The colander broke," A voice
sudd'nly croaked
'Twas none other than his sister!

Erich Von Hollander
Hooted and holler'd at her
For breaking the colander
She laughed in his face,
And proved she's a case,
By eating said peas off
the groundly.

Merciless, no?

Fish With Letter Icon

Lovers' Quarrel

You forgot to mention in your
article that there is nothing
that even exists in the
market other than the sense
of theory. There is no wealth
in these stocks that people
buy. People buy a piece of
paper with the hopes that
some moron will come along
and also buy the piece of
paper in the future, but at a
higher price.

I've never been a big
believer in the stock market
because in order to gain
money, some other schmuck on
the street has to lose money.
We all know that the big
institutions that invest in
the stock market aren't the
ones who lose, so who does?
The average moron who has no
idea what he's doing. It's
almost the same as giving
pre-approved credit cards to
college students - seems like
a great idea, but ends up
shooting them in the foot.


Well, we've got some shocking
news for you, Norm: That $20
bill in your wallet is made
of paper.

It doesn't really matter
whether or not there is
wealth in these stocks, just
as long as people are buying
them. Considering how many
average morons there are out
there ... it makes perfect
sense to play the stock
market, doesn't it?

Depends where you (or your
investment professionals)
fall on The Moron Scale. The
real value represented in
these stocks, then, is
represented by the degree to
which people estimate that
they're smarter than the
average moron.

It follows, then, that those
stock prices just keep

Fish With Letter Icon

The real reason for the stock
market phenomena etc. was
explained by Kurt Vonnegut in
his commencement speech to
MIT - or perhaps it was in

People's brains are just too
big, and this gets them into
a lot of trouble. Your brains
sure are.

Trouble, not prosperity, is
just around the corner.

Ned Kittlitz


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Your Page

I'd like to read your page,
but all the text seems to
fall into one extremely
narrow column, which forces
me to constantly scroll down.
Let me know if this little
impediment to safe reading is

Dan Walther

It's been like that for two
years, Dan. That's 50 Web

Don't hold your breath.

Fish With Letter Icon

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