The Fish
for 17 November 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll leave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Devil in the Details

Dear Prolex,

Concerning your latest
article for Suck magazine and
the history of advertisements
in comic format, I would like
to draw your attention to
such a phenomenon of a
meanwhile considerable age.
The character of Lurchi,
invented in the '30s, has
lived through all phases of
cultural contexts that its
market had to offer, or
suffer for that matter. It is
one of the original animals
with a marketing mission, the
adventurer treading its soles
across all fantasy lands of
its times. These include the
Third Reich and fancying an
occasional Nazi uniform.

The solution to each task and
challenge is, of course, the
shoe - the ultimate ratio of
its existence is giving it to
you. In accordance with your
hidden attestation of "po-mo"
to the latest in ad-comix, it
becomes strikingly clear that
that modern comic character
is not only "living" in a
plotless world (which we all
are, Foucault-wise), but also
is associated with certain
goods for no particular
reason. (Accessories is an
interesting term.) The
identity of the individual is
strangely self-evident
through the nebula of tokens,
whereas the strident
amphibian of old is a fervent
precursor of a single-minded
determination: the shoe. Not
himself. I leave it to you
and your further explorations
(and everyone else's in fact)
whether that change of
paradigm is for the better or
worse. The comic finally is
nothing but ink and colors in
the hand of contemporaries.
No wonder it's mostly
disappointing and senseless.

Yours always,

D. Pool

We haven't based our identity
on the nebula of tokens since
the sixth grade, when we
lived for Ms. Pac-Man. But we
have been feeling glum and
apathetic for days - maybe
because we subconsciously
realized that we're just ink
and colors in the hands of
contemporaries. Or dust in
the wind ... take your pick.

Fish With Letter Icon

The Lotto is a tax on stupid

Nathan FMS Resick

We play Scratchers ... and

Fish With Letter Icon

Suck Stock Down 4 1/4

Subject: Self-deprecating, my

Anyone who has had the
experience of reading Suck
once will have come across
Suck's modus operandi for
keeping us here, even if they
don't recognize it (or don't
fall for it). But having long
ago fallen for the trap
myself, it would make me feel
a whole lot more justified in
my arrogance if I explained
it in a letter to Suck.

Self-deprecation is the resin
that lets Suck slide smoothly
over the strings of our
consumerism. But what is
self-deprecation, but an
underhanded honesty? It's
reverse psychology, stating
the truth so that people
won't believe it. But the
truth it is (example: I am so
lacking in what is commonly
termed "a life," that getting
my letter published on Suck
would be the best - the
highlight of this month.
Self-deprecation? Gospel
truth!). But by beating the
reader to the things the
reader would have realized on
his own, they take away the
disillusionment that comes
with those realizations.
"This Web site sucks, I'm
gonna check out Wired"
becomes "Hehe. They call
themselves 'Suck.' They
can't Suck, if they say they
do. Forget Wired."

And the barrage is constant,
so no revelation of sucking
comes to us without them
telling us about it first.
They even make sure to
mention that all the
self-deprecation is really
true. It is, but in the end
we don't believe it's true,
and keep coming back. But in
reality, Suck really is just
in it for the money. Their
writing really is just
excessively verbose prose
with more arrogance than
substance. All those letters
where they respond by saying
"you really figured us out"
really did figure Suck out.
And the closest thing to true
honesty (honesty without the
intent of hiding itself) are
examples such as a recent
letter-response that was a
generation-spanning defense
of the characterization of
George Bush as "milquetoast."

In order to practice this
obviously successful strategy
for myself: This letter is
nothing but pretention and
arrogance, with a touch of
insecurity. I just want to
get my letter printed, and I
thought this was a good way
to do it. And despite what
I've said, I read Suck daily.
Why? Because I'm a slut.

Chris Burke

You sure figured us out.

Fish With Letter Icon

I enjoy your site very, very
much! And I really like that
show with all yer fellas on
the Cartoon Network. The
funny thing is that the dog
is a really brilliant
scientist, and the boy is
like his pet! That's so

I have a clever Web site too!
Any English major with a copy
of FrontPage can build an
empire, like you! Except, you
know, I'm not making any
money or anything.

You guys have any jobs?

It's so great to be cool! Van
Morrison is awesome! No, I
mean Atari Teenage Riot!
Because Atari Teenage Riot is
awesome, and Van Morrison
isn't! Shit. I always forget.


Chris, this is what your
letter should have looked
like. Jason's message says
the same thing as yours,
except his is much more
succinct and infinitely more
disturbing. Chris, you are to
Jason what Bob Costas is to
Stuart Scott, what Donny
Wahlberg is to Mark Wahlberg,
what Adam Smith is to Adam
Sandler, what The Baffler is
to the Hack, what
surprisingly detailed and
thorough is to surprisingly

Keep trying, Chris.

Fish With Letter Icon



I represent a group of very
rude, somewhat smart-alecky
engineers. As many of us are
CS majors (you know the
), we have nothing better
to do than goof off with all
kinds of programs. Some of
the aforementioned "goofing"
has resulted in a cache of
prank ad banners. At first,
we thought we would create a
ficticious Web site to
display these on - but we
soon realized that we didn't
have the traffic, or, for
that matter, any content

I then brought forth the idea
that we submit said ad
banners to Suck, as you
had initially displayed
parody ads on your site. We
want to display our banners
on your site. For free. We
want you to let us, also for
free. Everyone wins - you
don't have to deal with cries
that you've sold out to a
bunch of corporate goons, and
we get to share our own
particularly saucy sense of
humor with the world.

As always, your cynical
friend in low times,

Lo Phunk

"Greets"? Jesus Christ.

We have sold out to a bunch
of corporate goons, Mr.
Phunk, and we have enough
cynical friends in low times.
We could use a few more
cynical friends in High
of course....

Fish With Letter Icon

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