The Fish
for 5 November 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll leave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


I like Fonzie. I don't
imitate him or anything, but
he's likable. Which media
personality do you model your
life on?

Joseph Hammerman

What life?

Fish With Letter Icon

I've been an avid follower of
Suck for nigh unto quite a
long while now, but it just
occurred to me the other day
that about one out of every
seven allusions misses me:
didn't see the movie, didn't
read the book.

So I'm wondering: By any
chance do you have a
suggested reading/viewing/
listening/watching list? Not
just a list of what you like
- for that we have the Shit.
I'm looking, specifically,
for items that you think
Sucksters should be familiar
with, both to fully enjoy the
site and to have a more
fulfilling, rewarding life
(the main purpose of Suck,


Ah, so you want Suck to be
more than a Web site to you -
you want it to provide you
with a full-fledged prefab
lifestyle. Hey, no problem.

Items Suck Readers Should Be
Familiar with to Have a More
Fulfilling, Rewarding Life

1. the broken "Simon" game

2. the wedgie

3. the VH1 Fashion Awards

4. the moldy block of cheese

5. juvenile detention hall

6. Pic-N-Pay

7. Kleenex extra-soft Family

8. Clearasil 5

9. Hamm's Light

10. Uh ... Nihilism?
Cynicism? Ambivalence?

Fish With Letter Icon

Here at the Old Bull Lee Drug
Glorification Project, we
feel that there has been
enough done to demonize
recreational drug use in the
United States. Our government
has been waging a war against
its citizens since the early
'80s and has made no change
in the demand for these
substances. The black market
supplies the product, and the
government puts a higher
percentage of its citizens in
prison each year for
possession and use of such

So here we are with a project
to glorify recreational drug
use - to directly combat the
propaganda spawn of '80s
Republicans. Mainly we are
providing a source of
information that isn't
readily available by any
other means.



Seems to us that you can find
out a lot about recreational
drug use through lots of
other means besides a Web
site ... the corner, the
playground, an episode of Ab
spring to mind. In fact,
with the time and money you
save from not going online,
you could keep yourself in
hop and horse for ... days!

Why didn't we think of that

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Crack team at MSN

/Item/0,4,15330,00.html, the
writer describes some
technical problems at MSN and
mentions a "crack team" of
specialists working on fixing

So, is that what you guys do
in your off hours?

Chris Allen

What "off" hours? We're
always on something.

Fish With Letter Icon

Trust No One

Dear Bartel,

Enjoyed your rant on 10/21/97,
but a minor note: Kim Philby
worked for MI6 (aka the SIS).
MI5 is the agency most like
our own beloved FBI, a Quinn
Martin Production. MI5
officers were the ones who
finally caught on to Kim
while his own service
staunchly defended him.

Thanks for the catch. I hope
a few readers followed the
link to read a little more
about old Philby - that
business about MI6 staunchly
defending its own is great -
shows you where loyalty gets


Fish With Letter Icon

Hey, thought that this poem
(is that what it is?) was
really loco, man. I'd love to
read some more of what you've
written; send me something if
you've got time.


It was indeed a poem. Here's

O Scott, thou art thick.

The inscrutable Suck

That prattles each day

On the driveling Web,

Perplexes thy mind,

So long unus'd.

And our dull, vapid rants

Do thy sense confuse.


Fish With Letter Icon

I thoroughly enjoyed your
10/21/97 Suck byline! Thanks
for clarifying the reality
about loyalty. With eloquence
and profound clarity, you
have verbalized something
that I have known for all of
my working years.

My simplistic observation is
that academics presents the
definitive model for the
non-existence of loyalty
(never mind "MANAGEMENT"
practices from Mr. Blanchard
and company via Japan) as a
norm. Academia requires and
encourages job jumping. So,
based on your theory,
academia, by being the LEAST
concerned about loyalty, are
the ones that best deserve
it. Such irony ... I love

Have you authored anything
that I can scoop up at my
local bookery? or maybe
something you can recommend
for my reading pleasure?

For my part, if you haven't
already read Management of
the Absurd
by Richard Farson
(Simon & Schuster), you might
want to grab it. Refreshing
reading to say the least.

Best Regards,

Jerry Wilmarth,
MIS Specialist,
Cornell University
Office of Institutional
Planning & Research

Ensuring your letter gets
published, method 12:

Effusively praise a Suck
writer and ask for his or her

Unfortunately, the friggin'
wankers didn't even include
me in the Suck book [And they
didn't even include me in the
credits - ed.] (available at
a bookery near you in

But as for this academia
thing, it seems to me the
life of a university don is
one that inspires powerful
loyalty - what with the
chance to wear the school
colors, cheer on the team at
the big game, sing the old
fight songs at the
rathskeller. Not to mention
that unless-you-kill-
tenure agreement. It's for
all this that I've often
imagined myself as a
professor: sporting an
avuncular white beard and a
jaunty grin, cardigan
flapping open, khaki trousers
and boxer shorts puddled
around my ankles, joints
creaking as I stolidly hump
some nubile co-ed. For that
job, I'd be willing to pledge


Fish With Letter Icon

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