The Fish
for 30 October 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll leave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Who's Sorry Now

Most times, sorry just
doesn't cut it. Even a
sincere apology doesn't make
up for the act. For example:
Sorry 'bout that bomb thing,
hey, who knew? Sorry 'bout
that Inquisition thing, when
we killed lots of people
because, well, because. And,
that whole slavery thing, man
are our faces red.

Yeah, sometimes sorry just
doesn't cut it. But what's
the alternative?

Imagine Pauly Shore: "I know
sorry isn't enough to
alleviate Bio-Dome, so I'll
just hang myself by my feet
until my brain explodes or I
say something funny."

But, would an upside-down,
brain-exploding Pauly Shore
actually make up for the 10
minutes of my life I spent
watching Bio-Dome? Or the
almost 2 hours of Son-in-Law?

I don't know. Would I respect
Pauly Shore if his brain
exploded? Probably not.

If Pauly stood up and said,
"Hey you lousy no-talent
cruds, someone is paying me
truck loads of money to do
this. Just 'cause I'm not as
good a friggin' actor as
Stallone (I've never even
thought about beefing up for
a role), I'm not apologizing
for anything, especially
Bio-Dome. Now excuse me, I
have to get back to my
mansion, there's a
22-year-old blonde wading in
my indoor swimming pool, and
she wants a shot at the next
Pauly Shore flick," would I
then respect him?

Still not sure, but it'd be
close. So I guess the point
is, if you don't think you
need to apologize, then
don't, 'cause it means dick.

Now, I have to get back to
work because later I have a
doctor's appointment. I think
I'll need some minor surgery.
The doc says it's not
completely necessary, but
what the hell, it's not like
it costs me anything. Later
tonight, I'm going to walk
through the heart of downtown
Toronto, alone, to meet a
friend. I think we'll go have
a couple of beers, you've
probably heard about our

Take care Sucksters, keep it
up, and don't apologize for

Matt Hames
Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

Matt, your shrewd comments
not only undermined the Pauly
Shore Example (I took my cue
from Robert Nozick's Wilt
Chamberlain Example -
something about banging
20,000 women for a quarter),
but you've also cut me to the
quick about the relative
merits of living in Toronto.
Friends, beer, free minor
surgery - sounds like a
goddamn paradise!

And all I have to show for it
is my next screenplay pitch:
Pauly Shore, upside-down,
brain explodes, 22-year-old
blondes ... I'll call it Head
. Yeah, that's it!


Fish With Letter Icon

Mush-mouth, maybe, waffler,
perhaps, out-of-touch
elitist, probably, but I
think you've chosen the wrong
word in describing President
George Herbert Walker Bush as
"milquetoast." (17 October

Bush was the youngest fighter
pilot in WWII and was shot
down in combat. As president,
Bush fought and won a war in
100 days (like it or not). In
retrospect the war was easy -
but that wasn't obvious

A milquetoast is a weakling.
Like him or not, Bush has
never been a weakling.

Geoff Brown

Oh please!

I'm glad you gave his full
name, because this way we
both know we're talking about
the same mushy apple from the
same rotting family tree.

GHWB, as I'm sure you're
aware, is named after his
maternal grandfather, George
Herbert Walker, a no-doubt
very courageous racing
commissioner for the state of
New York. His father,
Prescott Bush, was a
second-rate politician whose
1952 campaign for the Senate
elicited charges of
anti-Semitism, and whose term
was characterized, in the
words of Garry Wills, by the
favoring of "censorship,
loyalty oaths, and the
removal of 'dirty' artifacts
[like Edward Albee's The Zoo
] from the cultural
exchange." Without Eisenhower
in the White House, Prescott
slithered back to investment
banking and golfing.

In the matter of Ensign
G. H. W. Bush, WWII fighter
pilot, declassified
historical evidence strongly
suggests he committed a
serious war crime on 25 July
1944, by strafing a lifeboat
with his squadron in Kayangel
Langoon, shortly after
sinking a trawler off the
Palau islands. This
information was made
available to three major news
organizations prior to the
1992 election, but they all
passed. The less-than-smoking
but more-than-overwarm
documentation of this sordid
matter was later published in
Harper's magazine.

The Gulf War thing - well,
you got me there. A hundred
days, indeed. Nice how the
region has settled down since
then, isn't it?

Oh yes, and his son's doing a
really jim-dandy job down
here in Texas.

In sum, to call former
President Bush a
"milquetoast" is not
necessarily to make any claim
as to his physical strength,
which is how I take the word
"weakling." For all I know
the guy could drop me with
one punch. However, his timid
little peep of an apology for
picking Dan Quayle as his
running mate has
"milquetoast" written all
over it, and stands as yet
one more reminder of his
family's distinguished record
of self-serving opportunism.


P.S. Sorry to get so carried
away there....

Fish With Letter Icon

I Don't

The solution is not to make
divorce harder. The solution
is to teach everyone that
everyone, even the lawyers.
(Why do you think we charge
so much for divorces? We
charge a lot because we HATE

The marriage vows should
include the line:

"I know that divorce is hell,
if our marriage doesn't work,
our lives will turn to shit,
our friends will abandon us,
our kids will hate us and
grow up to become sociopaths
and axe murderers, we will
lose our nice house and our
cars, and we will become
totally irritating people,
nevertheless, I DO."


If you think divorce is hell,
try living in a bad

Fish With Letter Icon


What's with the surprise at

Writing's been ego-stroking
and "look how self-aware I
am" forever. Writing in the
first-person and calling it
fiction is like masturbating
with your left hand so it
feels like someone else is
doing it. There are, too,
plenty of examples of
autobiography veiled thinly
behind the third-person
narrator - which is like
sitting on your left hand
until it falls asleep before

Reporting and writing for
webzines, then, is like when
your hand says, "No way,
fuckie, i ain't touching that
thing, you looser," and you
go to sleep all frustrated.

Steve McNally, rightie

Fuckie? Looser? These are the
names your hand calls you?

Perhaps you're a bit too

Fish With Letter Icon

Suck Scroll

Subject: "limited edition"
suck scrolls, suitable for

I don't know if you folks are
looking for new sources of
small amounts of income that
will probably turn out to be
far more hassle than they're
worth ...

... but, I'd certainly be
interested in buying a Suck
column of my choice, printed
out as one big scroll, signed
by the writer and artist, for
US$24.50 or thereabouts - and
there may be other readers
who'd do the same.

There must be a few columns
people seem to like best. You
could select the top 20 (as
long as it included the one I
want, once I decide what it
is), limit people's options
to those, and go into mass
production! (I take back that
part above about it being a
big hassle.)

I wonder when HP is gonna
come out with that new plain
paper-scroll printer....

Paul Spinrad

Sounds like a hassle, mainly
because we know of no
scroll-printing and packaging
services, and we hate doing
things ourselves. Which is
why the upcoming Suck book is
a more palatable solution.
Particularly for people who

Fish With Letter Icon

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