The Fish
for 28 October 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll leave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

It Cuts Like a Knife

Hey Suck,

I'm writing you guys because
you're SOOOO cool. It's so
unique the way you guys take
compliments and twist them
into personal insults. You
guys are SOOOO sharp. It's
like ... you're assholes and
bad asses at the SAME TIME.
That's a whole lot of ass, if
you know what I mean.

But I know it won't be that
way with me, because it's
like, you know, we connect. I
mean, to me, Suck is like
Jesus or caramel corn or
something great. If you
actually put this email up on
the World Wide Web, I would
absolutely pee. And you could
write something cool after it
like, "You're the reason we
don't use our real names."
And we could revel together
in our collective assitude.

You guys suck ass!!

Jay Witherspoon

Breathtaking, the way you
deconstructed our editorial
voice in one fell swoop.
We'll be sighing loudly and
speaking in hushed tones for
the rest of the day. And from
now on, when we talk
gleefully about tricking the
masses with more cheap
posturing, one of us will
inevitably raise his/her
voice to your wisdom: "Sure,
that smoke-and-mirrors
sarcasm will fool the masses,
but you can't fool the JAY
world...." And we'll retreat
to the roof for a solemn
cigarette break in the wake
of such sobering remarks.

Fish With Letter Icon

Canadian Comedy Is Timeless

You guys actually ranked
cheap shots at Canadians
between "hardly worthwhile"
and "utterly worthless"? For
shame ... unwarranted,
gratuitous slams of our
linguistically challenged
neighbors are ALWAYS worth
the effort!

Jason Lindquist

With your needs in mind ...

Fish With Letter Icon

You Americans make me sick.
You are so damn stupid.
Americans are IGNORANT SLOBS;
you think Donovan Bailey is
not the fastest man on the
planet. (You think the MUCH
slower Michael Johnson is the
fastest; I'm sure you'll say
that in that race
between them he was
injured even though he
faked.) You Americans take
the name of a CONTINENT and
make it so that stupid kids
can't figure out that there's
something above the GREAT
Lakes (great because they're
mostly Canadian). Although
there are some OK things
about America: It makes
people in ANY other country
feel good about where they
live. (You know that saying,
"You can make yourself look
good by making other people
look bad." Well you're
probably tired of making
other people look good.)
There are two more not-bad
things: SOME of the music
(not country) and the
cartoons are OK. Other than
money is SCREWED: You want a
ONE and you could pull out a
20 (they're all green).
You couldn't find Canada
(or any other country for
that matter) on a
map if you tried for HOURS.
When Americans go to
a European country (or
Canada), they get their ass
kicked or are ignored because
they're so rude - example:
"Hey Ma; look at that pointy
haired little girl!"
(Although sometimes they
serve you fast to get you out
of the shop 'cause you're
taking away their customers.)
Some Americans even think the
war is still on; they have
stockpiles of guns in their
basements. (Also useful if
they think the American Gov't
is coming after them - common
paranoia.) Another bad thing
about the US: The southern
accent; y'all should smarten
up before I whoop your ASS!

Anyway, you're lucky I didn't
use more colourful language
(it's spelt in CANADIAN
English). And about Canada:

Mike H.

Ooo, that smarts!

Fish With Letter Icon

Gotta Have Faith

Subject: About any contact to
Faith Popcorn at all!


I'm a student from Denmark
and I'm interested in making
an assignment of future
trends in Denmark. I would
therefore like to get in
contact with Miss Popcorn.
Can you help me here, please?
I noticed that you criticized
her methods a lot in your
article, in fact your
criticism is the first one I
have seen at all. Do you know
other Authors, journalists,
or whatever who criticizes
her as well? I would like to
know these stuffs because I
have to criticizes her
methods positively as well as

Thank you.

Tobias Rasmussen

Not only do we have a Rolodex
filled with Authors,
journalists, or whatever who
criticizes Miss Popcorn, we
have her home phone number.
Unfortunately, we cannot tell
you these stuffs because you
intend to criticizes her
methods positively, and that
we cannot abide.

Fish With Letter Icon

A Fan's Footnotes

It's a sad statement on the
public's ability to question
the "natural" order of
things, but generally, the
only sort of subversion
people can recognize and
accept is that which doesn't
actually subvert.

Case in point: Peter and
Raymond, now-deceased stars
of the Shut Up Little Man
, languish in
semi-obscurity after having
done their best to demolish
the facade of polite
conversation and the
necessity of semantics and
logic itself. The CD is out
of print after having sold
maybe 2,000 copies.

The Jerky Boys, whose only
truly subversive act is to
make the lives of people who
are trying to do their jobs a
living hell, are now on their
fourth CD of stale,
racist/homophobic material.
It will no doubt go gold.

Joe Garden, Sales

PS - I would argue that the
Jerky Boys appear much more
frequently than The Simpsons
on the Internet. This is
probably due in part to Fox
squashing Simpsons fan sites,
but it's more likely because
people believe that they are
playing a part in the
"subversive underground prank
tape-swapping culture" by
putting up Jerky Boys fan
sites. Ugh.

Be patient, Joe. I'm sure
that in time the Jerky Boys
will be as obscure as Peter
and Raymond are now. Maybe
the Little Man tapes never
sold well because too many
apartments come with that
sort of entertainment right
along with basic cable; I
know mine does....



Fish With Letter Icon

i have heard all of your
rhetoric before ... in smoky
coffee-houses filled with
geeky girls and closet
homosexuals, trying to find
acceptance within their
fellow group of 'slinkies.'

i laugh so hard at the
skinny, homosexual boy ...
tote-in' a black vest over
white t-shirt...complaining
in a babyish manner that only
the fat-girl-fresh-
would listen to.

come on ... you know it will
happen. after all this
'rebellious question-asking-
soul-searching,' you will be
right where everyone else is.
married. pissed. bored.
tired. over-worked. and
yappy-mouth'd about how cool
you used to be.

again, thank you.


"Pissed. Bored. Tired.
Over-worked." Gee, we must
have passed right through
cool on our way to
"yappy-mouthed" and therefore
can't actually talk about
much of anything at all.
Wonder why we're not

Fish With Letter Icon

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