The Fish
for 21 October 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Erin Coull
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Luxe Populi

Subject: Terrible.

Your article on fashion was
even worse than the Vogue
exegesis written by one of
the complete squares at
Salon. It was so out of touch
that I can only imagine that
you live in San Francisco.

Theresa Duncan

Gosh! This explains why those
stupidheads at Salon won't
return my calls. As for my
geographical coordinates,
it's even worse than you
think: I live in Austin,

Things are looking up, though
- we're getting our own Saks
in mid-November!


Fish With Letter Icon

Weekly Commentary from Alan

My, we got out of bed on the
wrong side this morning.
Perhaps our new silk jammies
didn't quite go with the bed
linens? So sad.

More (less?) seriously, does
anybody care? "Anybody"
defined generally as the
people we admire and would
like to hang out with?

Of course, I probably have it
all wrong. The world is so
full of wonderful things that
we all choose to ignore one
entire area (e.g., 12-tone
music, performance art,
Salon) so we can have enough
time to know something about
another (e.g., Baroque music,
theater, Suck). My ignorance
of high couture is probably
as despicable - if
unavoidable - as his ignorance
of uncertainty theory or her
ignorance of economics or
everyone else's ignorance of
The Wit and Wisdom of
Buckaroo Banzai. Still
though, of all the things one
could choose to waste one's
limited time with, surely
products one cannot afford,
which change ceaselessly for
no other reason than to
change ceaselessly, and which
are purchased by the kinds of
people one wouldn't really
want to know ... surely, this
is one of the larger wastes.

Of course, it passes the
time. But then again, as dear
Mr. Beckett reminds us, the
time would have passed

Nice article; nastiness is
its own reward.

Alan Kornheiser

I always appreciate your
letters, Alan, but surely you
miss the point. As a
diagnostician of culture
(albeit one practicing
without a license), it is my
solemn duty to peer into
whatever dusky orifices are
presented to me at any given
time. Surely you sleep better
- on flannel, is it? or
sackcloth and ashes? -
knowing I'm here, my eyes
peeled for chuckleheadedness
and other encephalopathies
wherever they may turn up.

Enjoy your symptom!


Fish With Letter Icon

In a recent Bazaar, Courtney
Love said something like,
"Helmut Lang is like a
language shared by smart

Melissa J. Price

Since I shop at Ross Dress
for Less, I must be somewhere
in there with the chimps who
get burritos by pushing


Fish With Letter Icon

Compromise Yourself

Hello jackasses!

Well, once again you've
missed the freakin' boat. The
office bathroom is a great
place to jack off. Hell,
didn't you read LBJ's
biography? The man was in the
Senate bathroom three, four
times a day during his rise
to power. There's nothing
better after a grueling,
ego-driven power meeting than
to hit the head, drop trou,
and whip your skippy.
Sometimes there's a line out
the door! And don't even
mention those guys on the
office hockey team. They take
a danish from the coffee cart
and gather 'round ... you get
the picture.

Just spread the word for
people to wipe up, for
Christ's sake!

So long, jackasses!

David Lubbock
"Don't compromise yourself.
You are all you've got."
- Janis Joplin

Wow. Maybe you need an
alternate signature file for
days like today.

Fish With Letter Icon

New Media

Yeah, uh, I just sat down and
decided to read Suck again,
after a long time away from
ya'll. You're still just as
funny as I remembered. Witty
and stuff. But, anyway, I got
a question:

Yesterday my computer
graphics teacher forced us to
go see a speaker ... some
sort of "digital age" thing.
So, this guy, whom I won't
name (Bruce Sterling ...
sci-fi?) came off as the most
dork that I've ever run into.
This guy was so
self-righteous, I thought I
was back in the '80s,
listening to a cokehead....
So I guess my question is:
When I finish my
undergraduate work and go out
into the real world of boring
Web design and (even more
restricted and boring)
pre-press work in NYC, will I
really have to be surrounded
by those same type of
socially maladjusted,
were-kids kind of dorks, or
will I find my future
workplace inhabited by actual
human beings?

Just wondering, Joe

Good question, son. Most new
media offices are filled with
a number of variations on the
wanna-be-Fonz theme. Actual
human beings are less common,
but they are available at a
low price from the vending
machines in the lobby.

Fish With Letter Icon

Suck for Sale

Would you be interested in
selling the name -
not the site?

Randy Ambrose Staff

Sure. Hell, make us an offer
and we may even throw in the

Fish With Letter Icon

Rambling Suckleweed

I feel a ramble coming on.
Bear with me.

The original aim of Suck, as
I understood it, was to shoot
down and make fun of all of
the crappy sites on the World
Wide Barrel. Or at least one
a day.

From there, you all seem to
have branched out into
social commentary, talking
about how the Web both
mirrors society and acts as a
sort of a catalyst, lightning
rod, or focal point for the
changes going on in society -
but with an ever-diminishing
need for Web-based topics.
For you guys, it's now as
important for your
correspondents to
channel-surf as it is to surf
The Net, perhaps in part
because these media are
converging like great
tectonic plates.

But maybe you all are surfing
a bit less these days as
well, or surfing differently.
Which isn't surprising, from
my point of view. I read Suck
and a couple things daily,
but that's it.

Now, I know you say you're in
it just for the money, but I
suspect it's more about a
dream-come-true job (which
may not go on for very much
longer) in which you can
actually do non-dumbed-down
writing, and be at the top of
the Shit List of Cool People.
Oh, and make some decent
money. Maybe lots, I don't

But it's going to get old,
isn't it? For you, but for
us, too. Reading Suck, in the
beginning, was somehow
exciting in the way this new
thing "the WWW" was. It was a
new concept, it was devious.
It was telling by doing. The
articles were interesting,
but that they were there was
more intruiging. I suppose
all the money they threw at
you to make you legit and
solvent acts as sort of an
anchor, but I'm just
wondering if anything else is
in the works. Put it this
way: the Net is changing
pretty fast, just as it
always has, just as computers
keep doing. Are we in for
content-only changes from
Suck, or are there any
conceptual changes planned?

Don't get me wrong: I love my
Suck. I'm just bored today
and have nothing better to do
than think about the
"problems" of others that
don't affect me in the least.
I actually think the writing
has improved (not that it
needed it), but it's sort of
like reading a daily
columnist now. Maybe it's
just that the Internet has
lost its "mystique"; it's not
a movement (a la Alice's
) anymore and I'm
just nostalgic.

Rob McLean

The thrill is gone, isn't it?

We went through a period like
that in April of '96. Then we
stopped reviewing Web sites.
We're not real joiner types,
so the promises of the
Information Highway didn't
thrill us to the bone to
begin with.

Of course, it's been nice
eating chocolate croissants
every morning. And when they
run out (or we do), well,
going back to where we were
isn't such a bad option. If
we had a dime for every
$20,000-a-year publishing job
out there ... well, we
wouldn't need one.

As for pushing the boundaries
of where we are: "Mystique"
is a dark-plum eyeshadow made
by Revlon and "legit" is a
word used by the youth in
Nancy Jo Sales' "Homie
Exposé" Series in New
magazine. And nostalgia
is a treatment for millennial
angst, but it's not a cure.

Fish With Letter Icon

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