The Fish
for 14 October 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Erin Coull
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Smile, You Son of a Bitch

A quite ill-informed take on
natural selection. If a
predator is so effective, why
does it need preserving? If
people decide to preserve a
species, it certainly has
nothing to do with natural
selection "indicating"
anything. The only thing it
indicates is that we like to
have players in our "nature
shows" on the Discovery
Channel, as your piece goes
on to point out.


I frigging knew some strict
interpretationist would throw
The Origin of Species at me.
As the article stated, WE are
the ones who want to preserve
the predators, so they can
continue their "top-down
management" of the animal
kingdom. As for their not
needing preservation - the
grey wolf is generally
acknowledged to be an
effective predator, but when
he tangled with good old Homo
sapiens, we kicked his ass so
thoroughly that we now have
to do him the favor of
keeping him alive. The
survival of this predator
depends on the good graces of
human beings; and that's true
of pretty much all our animal
friends (except insects - the
true Lords of the Earth). In
any case, we're not serving
"Nature's" ends, but our own.


Fish With Letter Icon

Albright's refusal to hug
Arafat, which you call
evidence that "Arabs are
still Untouchables," most
likely has other motivations.
Arafat routinely calls for
jihads and mass slaughter of
Jews, praises suicide bombers
as martyrs, and his health
ministry distributes
pamphlets claiming that
Jewish doctors deliberately
spread AIDS. Arafat has made
it abundantly clear that he
sees the destruction of all
Jews as the best solution
(the PLO charter itself is
pretty clear on the subject).
While I wouldn't go so far as
to claim that Albright
identifies as a Jew, her
ancestry probably makes her a
Jew in Arafat's eyes.

Would you hug someone who you
knew wanted to kill you? Just
because Kissinger would,
doesn't mean Albright would.

Ben Delfin

So a CIA agent, a KGB agent,
and a Shin Bet agent are
taking a walk in the woods
when a rabbit runs across
their path and into the
trees. The KGB agent turns to
the other two:

"Observe, comrades - I will
catch rabbit in under 10

He runs off after the rabbit.
After 9 minutes and 59
seconds, he comes back,
holding the rabbit by the

"That's pretty good, my
Ruskie friend," says the CIA
agent, "but I'll catch that
rabbit in under 5

So they toss the rabbit back
into the trees. The rabbit
takes off, and the CIA agent
goes after it. Sure enough,
after 4 minutes and 59
seconds, he comes back
holding the rabbit by the

"This is fast?" says the Shin
Bet agent. "I'll catch that
rabbit in under 2 minutes."

So they do it again, the Shin
Bet agent takes off, and a
full half hour passes. The
other two are getting nervous
about their friend, and they
go off to see if they can
find him.

After a few minutes of
searching, they find their
friend in a clearing, with a
donkey tied to a tree. The
Shin Bet agent is punching
the donkey in the face and
screaming in its ear: "Admit
you're the rabbit! Admit
you're the rabbit

That's a Palestinian joke.

Yr Pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

You Like Us, You Really Like

Hey, Suck:

Thanks a lot for mentioning
Remote in The Shit. I'm happy
you found my book of
interest. I dig

David Shields

Fish With Letter Icon

Smile, You Son of a Bitch

One great piece of work ...
brought many embarrassed
grins and outright guffaws;
wish my cats could read. I
now understand the connection
between Bally's and PetPeople
but am puzzled about Janet
Reno's tenure or Quasimodo's
appeal in the Disney cartoon
movie. Good stuff, really.

David George

Your cats can read, David.
They also giggle and mock
your pathetic physique when
you get dressed in front of
them. So don't be fooled.
Them cats, boy, they scheme
and scheme!


Fish With Letter Icon

Cute. Very cute.

However, if you want real
cuteness idiocy, try tramping
over to any gardening BBS.
There, a complaint that
squirrels are stealing apples
or deer are munching flowers,
or just about anything else,
is immediately met by a
torrent of advice to "share"
with the wildlife and a
reminder that "they were
there first." Personally, I'm
going to "share" with a
squirrel only when one first
offers me a nut, and, since
deer have a life span of only
about six years, I think I
was here first. Oh well.

Literature is packed full of
bad wolf images. Although the
wolf gets an occasional
top-dog mention (Romulus and
Remus are not the only
gods/founders to be raised by
wolves), the writings of the
people who actually had to
live with the damn things is
full of terror and loathing.
Almost surely, given the
chance, wolves will prey on
farmyard animals, domestic
animals, and small children
and will attack and kill
anyone standing in their way
if they can get away with it.
Why not? Wouldn't you if you
were hungry enough? Or do you
think that food riots are
also just some sort of
anti-humanist propaganda?

Actually, I like wolves. I
like mountain lions. I even
like the damn deer, in their
place. And for all of them, I
give the ancient Russian
blessing; May the Lord bless
and keep the Czar ... far,
far away from here.

Nice article. Animal fables,
as you clearly realize, are
often the way we say things
about ourselves we're
unwilling or unable to say

Alan Kornheiser

While working as a
groundskeeper at an Ambler,
Pennsylvania "mature
community," I got a firsthand
education in what belligerent
little punks squirrels really
are. One local geezer flipped
his lid after catching one of
the fuzzy rodents chomping on
his Chex Party Mix, and
demanded that we terminate
with extreme prejudice (this
guy was a survivor of the
Bataan Death March, or so he
said, so who was gonna
argue?). In blatant violation
of orders, I took care to use
only Have a Hart traps and
set the critters loose where
they couldn't get into
trouble. They were uniformly
vicious and aggressive
whenever I'd open the trap.
And did I ever get a nut? No
sir! And do I ever get any
credit for being kind to
animals? Guess again! (And
see below.)


Fish With Letter Icon

"Don't let the dopey eyes
fool you - given the chance,
that cow would kill you and
everyone you love."

I can't believe you ripped
off a Simpsons episode with
nary a trace of remorse.

Rock on.

Margot Patrick

Since "The Simpsons" is the
fourth most-popular phrase on
the Web (after "Jesus
Christ," "Bill Gates," and "a
few of my favorite links"),
alluding to Troy McClure
qualifies as Webonics - an
attempt to talk to the kids
on their level. And in this
case I was also hoping to
snare some humor-challenged
bovinephile. And what do you
know! It worked!

Fish With Letter Icon

Given the chance, that cow
wouldn't kill you and
everyone you love. so go f---

Sandra Linden

She will if you don't cook
her first.


Fish With Letter Icon

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