The Fish
for 13 October 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Erin Coull
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

You Like Us, You Really Like

Hey, Suck:

Thanks a lot for mentioning
Remote in The Shit. I'm happy
you found my book of
interest. I dig

David Shields

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Smile, You Son of a Bitch

One great piece of work ...
brought many embarrassed
grins and outright guffaws;
wish my cats could read. I
now understand the connection
between Bally's and PetPeople
but am puzzled about Janet
Reno's tenure or Quasimodo's
appeal in the Disney cartoon
movie. Good stuff, really.

David George

Your cats can read, David.
They also giggle and mock
your pathetic physique when
you get dressed in front of
them. So don't be fooled.
Them cats, boy, they scheme
and scheme!


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Cute. Very cute.

However, if you want real
cuteness idiocy, try tramping
over to any gardening BBS.
There, a complaint that
squirrels are stealing apples
or deer are munching flowers,
or just about anything else,
is immediately met by a
torrent of advice to "share"
with the wildlife and a
reminder that "they were
there first." Personally, I'm
going to "share" with a
squirrel only when one first
offers me a nut, and, since
deer have a life span of only
about six years, I think I
was here first. Oh well.

Literature is packed full of
bad wolf images. Although the
wolf gets an occasional
top-dog mention (Romulus and
Remus are not the only
gods/founders to be raised by
wolves), the writings of the
people who actually had to
live with the damn things is
full of terror and loathing.
Almost surely, given the
chance, wolves will prey on
farmyard animals, domestic
animals, and small children
and will attack and kill
anyone standing in their way
if they can get away with it.
Why not? Wouldn't you if you
were hungry enough? Or do you
think that food riots are
also just some sort of
anti-humanist propaganda?

Actually, I like wolves. I
like mountain lions. I even
like the damn deer, in their
place. And for all of them, I
give the ancient Russian
blessing; May the Lord bless
and keep the Czar ... far,
far away from here.

Nice article. Animal fables,
as you clearly realize, are
often the way we say things
about ourselves we're
unwilling or unable to say

Alan Kornheiser

While working as a
groundskeeper at an Ambler,
Pennsylvania "mature
community," I got a firsthand
education in what belligerent
little punks squirrels really
are. One local geezer flipped
his lid after catching one of
the fuzzy rodents chomping on
his Chex Party Mix, and
demanded that we terminate
with extreme prejudice (this
guy was a survivor of the
Bataan Death March, or so he
said, so who was gonna
argue?). In blatant violation
of orders, I took care to use
only Have a Hart traps and
set the critters loose where
they couldn't get into
trouble. They were uniformly
vicious and aggressive
whenever I'd open the trap.
And did I ever get a nut? No
sir! And do I ever get any
credit for being kind to
animals? Guess again! (And
see below.)


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"Don't let the dopey eyes
fool you - given the chance,
that cow would kill you and
everyone you love."

I can't believe you ripped
off a Simpsons episode with
nary a trace of remorse.

Rock on.

Margot Patrick

Since "The Simpsons" is the
fourth most-popular phrase on
the Web (after "Jesus
Christ," "Bill Gates," and "a
few of my favorite links"),
alluding to Troy McClure
qualifies as Webonics - an
attempt to talk to the kids
on their level. And in this
case I was also hoping to
snare some humor-challenged
bovinephile. And what do you
know! It worked!

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Given the chance, that cow
wouldn't kill you and
everyone you love. so go f---

Sandra Linden

She will if you don't cook
her first.


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More Job Opportunities


For the record, I have no
desire to work for Suck.

Mike Raymond

You're hired!

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My name is [Name Withheld to
Protect the Young and Naive].
I am a third year college
student. PLEASE RUN THIS!!
Any and all responses are
much obliged.

I would like to comment on
the lack of realistic college
movies. I mean, the summer
before my freshman year at
Penn State-Behrend (Erie,
PA), I watched the gamut of
so-called college movies:
Animal House, P.C.U., Higher
etc. I was
completely pumped for school.
I figured college was nothing
but fun, sex, no class, sex,
more fun, still no class,
sex, binge drinking, and most
of all SEX (even the chubby
kid on Animal House got
laid!). Besides the binge
drinking, little if any of
all of that has ever
happened. I propose a
realistic movie about
college. A place where you go
to class from 8 a.m. until
6 p.m., eat shitty cafeteria
food because you don't have
any money to spare to eat a
cheeseburger at McDonald's,
everyone (almost everyone)
chain smokes, you really
don't get laid unless you're
in a fraturnity, or closely
affiliated with them (at
least at this shitty campus),
"wild Friday nights" consist
of sitting on your ass,
drinking Milwaukee's Best
with two hands and playing
some ridiculous card game
with several other drunk
people who show up at your
place, case 'o cheap beer
under one arm, a deck of
cards in the other hand, and
then the "party's" ready to
start. The next morning,
everyone sleeps until 1 p.m.,
watches football for awhile,
throws up, cleans up the
pyramids of beer cans still
piled on the kitchen table,
throws up again, and
continues to watch football
until the same gang of
assholes shows up again. Good
movie, eh? No one would go
see it because it's true, at
least for me and the people
that I assosiate with.


Hmm. You know most of those
movies were filmed a long
time ago, right? In the late
'70s and early '80s, college
was like that. Professors and
administrators would stand
back and chuckle, "College
kids; heh, heh," while
thousands of partially
demented "students" engaged
in death-defying, highly
illegal feats; nightly
reckless, drunken casual sex;
and countless unrestricted
forms of self-destructive
fun. Lots of kids died, lots
were damaged irreparably by
hazing, public humiliation,
sexism, racism, date rape,
etc., and lots graduated
alcoholics. It was ugly. But
at the risk of sounding
insensitive, for the majority
of extremely juvenile
"students" who were in school
back at the time (the ones
who weren't psychologically
injured or killed), it was
very, very fun.

It's not like that anymore.

One thing is clear, though.
You should either drink more
or give up and get an
education, beginning,
perhaps, with Spelling 101
(that is, how to spell, not
the works of Aaron

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