The Fish
for 2 October 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Erin Coull
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Where's the Beef Tit?

Subject: Beef Tit Rug Fuckers

Congratulations, the
groan-fart journalism that
magically plops onto your
site every weekday is barely
a queef splinter above the
junk email that rots inside
my digital corn hole.

Reverend Speef Narkle

And your next trick is what,
Reverend Speef? Suck interns
must know at least three.

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: You're screwed

Dear Suck,

You are a great site - great
editorials, great
illustrations. There is no
publication that I am aware
of (and boy am I aware) that
offers the quality of
literature that Suck does.
Which means you won't be
around for very long.

Andy Russell

One person's misplaced
enthusiasm is another's job
security, thank God.

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear friends,

Once upon a time, about a
year and a half ago, my
co-editor and I wrote you,
the mighty Protectors of
Right and Good, for a little
free press. You may remember ...
we wrote it as a poem, a
damn fine little poem, in
which we made it very clear
that we wanted YOU, not those
bumbling fools at Word, YOU,
to at least mention the fact
that a cool little site named
SMART was out there. God, how
we hoped you'd help us out.
"Gee," we thought to
ourselves, "if our hits are
increasing exponentially now,
without any press, imagine
what'll happen if those zany
cats at SUCK talk us up?
Christ, we really will be
able to live that dream of
writing professionally and
not having to wear name tags
at our jobs. Oh, how life
would be swell!"

Well, your royal
sizzletitses, you never
deigned to give us one measly
little link, and the
corporate stooges with
nut-clippers poised went
right ahead and snipped. Now
I sling lattés and I'm
too poor to have my own email
account. Thanks.

Paul Primrose
Former co-editor, SMART
Formerly accessible at
Formerly "SMART: Corporate
Sponsored Buffoonery"

Gee ... sorry, man. But we're
the first to say it: The
world needs more latté
slingers and less
sizzletitsing Web sites and
lounge singers. The world
needs more variations on a
caffeine theme, less
variations on the "cool,"
"zany," or "smart" themes,
particularly online. Besides,
if your hits were increasing
exponentially without our
help, whyever did you fail?
Too much quality literature
or something?

Anyway, as long as we're paid
to be royal sizzletitses and
you're paid to sling
lattés, we'd like ours
iced, double, skinny, no

We said no foam, dammit! We'd
like to speak to your

Fish With Letter Icon

Cheap Tricks


I have the Net, dude. I was
looking at the Net with my
cyberspace. I read the
webolution and looked at the
pictures. After the
webolution, the boy had no
shoes. Will this happen to
me? I like my shoes, they are
bo-bo's. Blue with three neat
stripes. I like stripes.

Can you guys give me some
more stripes on my Net, dude?

I like poop,
volumen1 Shane Hickey

We have no idea what you're
talking about, but one of us
hasn't heard the term
"bo-bo's" used to refer to
cheap shoes since way back in
1978, when a certain boy by
the name of Jacob called her
a loser, and then inquired as
to where she purchased her
shoes. She answered,
indignantly, "Pic 'n' Pay!"
at which point Jacob laughed
evilly and solemnly informed
her that the only correct
place to buy one's shoes was
Thom McCann.

She told the story to
friends, who came to refer to
Jacob as "Bobo Man." Later,
she heard Bobo Man was
friends with Michael Stipe,
which made her feel like a
loser. Then, Bobo Man served
her chili at a local bakery,
and that made her think maybe
he was the loser. Then he had
an art opening, and that made
her feel like a loser again.

The moral? Loserdom is
relative. Wear bo-bo's.

Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run

Subject: Suck Franklin

Benjamin Franklin's first
editorial for his first-ever,
um, 'zine was a piece
mourning the impending death
of his competitor, a
well-established printer in
Philadelphia. Mr. Franklin
didn't check his facts too
well, as the good news turned
out to be that his competitor
was in perfect health. While
I am not certain that a
retraction was printed (I
think that attorneys were
less abundant in 18th century
colonial America), this error
on Mr. Franklin's part did
help his new business.

My source for this is Fart
by Benjamin Franklin.
If Mr. Kinsley were to write
a book about his online
journalistic perspective, I
think that he should entitle
it Sleep Soundly - it may
have less flair, but it
factually describes the
experience of reading Slate.

Lyndon Baines Johnson, when
running for legislative
office in Texas was
benefitted greatly when a
rumor was circulated that his
opponent, the incumbent,
fucked pigs on his ranch.
Johnson apparently explained
to an aide that, while this
rumor may not have been true,
he wanted to observe his
opponent in denying the
rumor. "Fellow Texans, while
I cannot speak for what goes
on in Redmond, Washington, I
personally do not fuck pigs,"
turned into his disclaimer if
I recall correctly.

As to whether or not there is
any truth to the rumor that
Michael Kinsley is ...
[preposterous libel omitted
to protect those with ugly
designer eyewear]. However,
Enquiring (™) minds want
to know.

Mark Travis

You frighten us. Besides,
some of our best friends are
pig fuckers.

Fish With Letter Icon

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