The Fish
for 1 October 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Erin Coull
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Cheap Tricks


I have the Net, dude. I was
looking at the Net with my
cyberspace. I read the
webolution and looked at the
pictures. After the
webolution, the boy had no
shoes. Will this happen to
me? I like my shoes, they are
bo-bo's. Blue with three neat
stripes. I like stripes.

Can you guys give me some
more stripes on my Net, dude?

I like poop,
volumen1 Shane Hickey

We have no idea what you're
talking about, but one of us
hasn't heard the term
"bo-bo's" used to refer to
cheap shoes since way back in
1978, when a certain boy by
the name of Jacob called her
a loser, and then inquired as
to where she purchased her
shoes. She answered,
indignantly, "Pic 'n' Pay!"
at which point Jacob laughed
evilly and solemnly informed
her that the only correct
place to buy one's shoes was
Thom McCann.

She told the story to
friends, who came to refer to
Jacob as "Bobo Man." Later,
she heard Bobo Man was
friends with Michael Stipe,
which made her feel like a
loser. Then, Bobo Man served
her chili at a local bakery,
and that made her think maybe
he was the loser. Then he had
an art opening, and that made
her feel like a loser again.

The moral? Loserdom is
relative. Wear bo-bo's.

Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run

Subject: Suck Franklin

Benjamin Franklin's first
editorial for his first-ever,
um, 'zine was a piece
mourning the impending death
of his competitor, a
well-established printer in
Philadelphia. Mr. Franklin
didn't check his facts too
well, as the good news turned
out to be that his competitor
was in perfect health. While
I am not certain that a
retraction was printed (I
think that attorneys were
less abundant in 18th century
colonial America), this error
on Mr. Franklin's part did
help his new business.

My source for this is Fart
by Benjamin Franklin.
If Mr. Kinsley were to write
a book about his online
journalistic perspective, I
think that he should entitle
it Sleep Soundly - it may
have less flair, but it
factually describes the
experience of reading Slate.

Lyndon Baines Johnson, when
running for legislative
office in Texas was
benefitted greatly when a
rumor was circulated that his
opponent, the incumbent,
fucked pigs on his ranch.
Johnson apparently explained
to an aide that, while this
rumor may not have been true,
he wanted to observe his
opponent in denying the
rumor. "Fellow Texans, while
I cannot speak for what goes
on in Redmond, Washington, I
personally do not fuck pigs,"
turned into his disclaimer if
I recall correctly.

As to whether or not there is
any truth to the rumor that
Michael Kinsley is ...
[preposterous libel omitted
to protect those with ugly
designer eyewear]. However,
Enquiring (™) minds want
to know.

Mark Travis

You frighten us. Besides,
some of our best friends are
pig fuckers.

Fish With Letter Icon

Pleased to Meat You

Dear Skinner,

I find that your page is
quite offensive. I do not
know how you can stand to
live with yourself; after
all, we have what is known as
the food chain - where even
the most basic of animals
follow. We are high upon the
hierarchy of the food chain,
and it is people like
yourself who think that
demoralizing the rest of us
"naturalists" is fine. You
will call eating animals
wrong, but then, wrong is a
subjective term. What you
find wrong may not be what I
find wrong, and what you find
right, I may not find right.
Wrong is an entirely
subjective term:
Remember, that we are all
unique individuals and you
who enjoy pushing your
"objectives" and morals on
the rest of the nation and
other people really do
destroy the reason for
freedom of speech. You will
also be among the first to
try to ban animal testing and
research, but you will also
be among the first to visit a
psychologist, where animal
research is a basis of many
theories; the first to shop
at a grocery store, where
animal products are used; the
first to wear makeup, which
was created from animal
by-products, the first to
thank the pilgrims and
settlers for taming the land,
yet without animals, they
would never have made it to
our land. Yeah, you may think
that we are not bettering
ourselves by using animals
for research and you may
think that it is hypocritical
that we "imitate" the Nazi
party in our ways, but you
might think again, we are not
a "forming coalition" and we
are not spreading the word
around the world, yet the
Nazi party did that. Hmmm,
now who sounds like the Nazi
party? And you want to ban
fast food and pretty much all
restaurants that serve meat.
Well, sir, or madam, I do
wish you luck in your quest,
because if that ever works, I
hope you enjoy the suffering
it causes when the market and
good times that we know of
disappear, because without
meat, we will not have the
protein to keep our bodies
nourished, and this means
more sickness, and this in
turn means more costs to
already poor or surviving
families, and this will only
cost the rest of the nation.
So if you would like to
condemn us meat-eaters, then
you should also condemn
yourself and the rest of the
world, because you are not
just trying to fight a cause,
you are starting problems for
us, the ones on top of the
food chain, and making life
better for animals than what
we know for ourselves.

Stuart Coutchie

I think you do a nice job of
pointing out many of the
complexities in the meat
versus vegetables
controversy; it's hard to say
anything about food politics
without saying something
hypocritical, simple-minded,
or just plain wrong.

What's clear is this: We use
and abuse animals at almost
every turn. You're right in
one important respect: This
seems to come naturally to us
- although the tautology of
being at the top of the food
chain (something we ourselves
invented as a convenient tool
to figure out where we stand
in relation to the rest of
the planet's inhabitants,
just like we believed, for so
many years and for the same
reasons, that Earth was at
the geographic center of the
universe) isn't very
convincing as evidence of
some kind of "natural law."
I'm afraid that you'll find
hard-core vegetarians have
just as many "natural laws"
marshalled on their side of
the argument - including, for
example, the obvious absence
of canine teeth (hence the
need for steak knives or meat
tenderizer) in the human

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

Why did you confuse
vegetarians with animal
rights (fur) activists in
your Suck article? Surely you
don't think they are one and
the same or even similar.
That's the worst kind of

Next time, recognize that a
great many vegetarians are
such by biological
imperatives, such as obesity,
congenital stomach problems,
post-stomach-disease victims,
religion, etc. Out of all my
friends who are vegetarians,
only one really believes in
animal rights. The others do
so out of health benefits or
under doctor's orders.

Also 3 little words:
Seventh-Day Adventists.

How many vegetarians do you
actually know? Or is SF just
too politically outside the
US mainstream for you to draw
an accurate bead on the
culture at large?


Touché, Don.

Although I hasten to add that
there wasn't ultimately a
polemical point to my rant,
other than to explore the
many interesting facets and
hypocrisies of food politics.
That we demand political
logic to be consistent and
thorough is part of the
problem, perhaps.

Aside from the thousands of
vegetarians who restrict
their diet for medical
reasons (as you accurately
point out), there is a common
moral core in political
vegetarianism and animal
activism: whether it is right
or wrong to use animals and
animal products.

But, of course, the politics
are so fragmented - and our
uses/abuses of other species
are so entrenched and
unquestioned - that any
dialog about meat versus
vegetables invariably gets
bunged up with issues of
fashion, religion,
geo-politics, and so on. I
tried to look at both sides
of the issue with an
even-handed skepticism.

Living in Minneapolis and
being married to a
vegetarian, I'm confronted
with the whole constellation
of issues every time we eat
out ... heck, I'm confronted
with it all the time.

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

Ah, the last (and lowest)
ploy of the desperate
negative rant: a Nazi
comparison. Grow up, already!

Max Springer

Ah, the easiest dismissal of
a page skimmer: disqualifying
what one reads on the basis
of a single proper noun.

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

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