The Fish
for 18 September 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


[John 'too tall' Pike]
John Pike
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

It's the Crack

The only thing I want to know
is: Why hasn't Terry Colon
drawn a picture of a giant
Canadian crack-smoking rabbit


Patience, cricket. In time,
this too shall come to pass.

Fish With Letter Icon

Call of the Unemployed

Subject: cool_how's_it_hangin

YO ! MAN! You got any shit for
"suck" job opening...
"ha ... ha ..." Kill
the swearing do ya have any
job opening's???
Cool website needs some work
if you would like a me to be
a writer or a "webmaster" it
is up to you. "Ya! tell me
what Ya need if i can i will
"deliver" e-mail me please,
not hard up for money just
need a job ... to shut my
mother up ... If you
understand what i am getting
at. They say you get to know
some one more by there
e-mail's than, over the
phone, or "vid-phone" If i
have to go for an interveiw,
I have "vid-phone" and what
ever "chat" tool in this
"sys" If you do not have a
job opening. By the sound of
it you do not, thats cool,
please send this e-mail to
someone that does.! unless you need
MY WORK: (url withheld)
prices: the best in the
world... staring at "$25"
unlimeted "txt" all the time.
"hope to here from you.."

<Name Withheld to Protect
the Mentally Unstable>

"Hell" yeah, man ... we got
"jobs" for you!!!!!! And ways
to shut your mother
up ... if you
understand what we're getting

Fish With Letter Icon

Hit and Run

In Thursday's Hit and Run
column, Suck attempted to
deliver a low blow to our
most-cited but least-read
compatriot, Slate. We
recounted a rumor about
Michael Kinsley's impending
move to DC without noting
that Kinsley has bought a
rather pricy manse up north,
and we cited a pageview count
that - uh - we did not go out
of our way to investigate.
Turns out our low blow was a
little too low - by at least
350,000 pageviews, according
to a recent Slate Webhead
. The errors of our
way with words were pointed
out to us in a
ultra-professional and
understandably perplexed
personal communique, one in
which it was pointed out that
our rumor-mongering was all
the more hurtful because
we're "so widely read." Which
may be true, though it often
doesn't seem that way.

Fish With Letter Icon

Royal Icing

Just a friendly note to let
you know that Seth Sanders'
"A Royal Icing" in today's
Suck is one of the most
amazing things I've read in a
long, long time. Being a
media member and media
junkie, I've been paying a
lot of attention to the many
opinions that have been
forthcoming in the wake of
Diana's death and the ensuing
orgy of guilt and
gut-checking. From
Jonathan Alter to Johnny
Cochrane, I've listened to
everyone's two cents - so
it's odd and rather humbling
to read the only insightful
opinion about the morality
and malice of Di's media
send-off in Suck, which a lot
of people laugh off. I'm not

You guys do fantastic work and
ought to be congratulated on
this one.

Daniel Morris, Assistant
Editor, PC Games magazine

Considering my failings as a
humorist (the outbursts of
unbridled hatred seem to put
a damper on the laffs), I'd
damn well better try to make
it as a thinker. But though a
lot of the stuff here is
delivered in that "just
connect the dots, fucker"
style that my generation
can't seem to get away from,
the bulk of it is serious
underneath - a fact which I'm
happy you appreciate. Thanks.


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: princess diana,
unending incrimination,
general existential

Endless English professors, or
perhaps those committed to
more classic conceptions,
bemoan the misuse of the word
"tragedy" in the coverage of
disasters, random acts of
violence, impalements,
blindings, etc. The same
might be said of Diana's
"tragic" death. The
complexity of the ending of
her life is, as you admit,
almost beautiful - not in a
way that makes us pat
ourselves and agree that all
is well in the universe, but
in a way that leads us into
believing there is some
relation between the things
we invest ourselves in and
the ultimate result of those
investments. Princess Diana
was a reasonably decent human
being in a position of
tremendous privilege, who was
a slave to the media -
annoyed and bothered as any
self-respecting person might
be, but recognizing that she
had the power to verbally
persuade and affect behavior
based on the exotic locations
and humanitarian missions to
which she was sure to attract
the most notable journalists
of the world. If she desired
the unparalleled coverage of
her most personally sacred
causes, she must have
realized the resultant
undermining of her personal
world to the disgrace and
dirtying of public scrutiny
and examination. No
intoxicated bodyguard fleeing
at 120 miles an hour could
have saved her from such a
concession of her privacy -
quite simply, she had no
choice but to live a public
life, and any attempt on her
part to escape from that
scrutiny would have required
such a drastic action as the
one that was taken. She, or
her bodyguard, too drunk to
realize he could not outrun
speedy Italian motorcycles,
ached to be free of the
burden - only to find that it
was one that she could not
release without forfeiting
the very privileged life that
her public notoriety had
insured her.

Much as disingenuous reporters
and societal commentators
cited as the proof of the
supreme crookedness of the
American Legal System the
acquittal of a certain former
Buffalo Bill, the same
thoughtless reporters and
personalities show pretty
pictures of Diana hugging
little starving black
children and lash out at
those immoral little bastards
who ride around on the bikes
and take dirty little
pictures of big dirty people.
And we're left to wonder if
it could ever have happened
another way.

Brian Healey

I find something terrifying in
the way that the seclusion of
someone like Salinger is
viewed as an act of hubris to
be punished. But I don't
claim to understand the
dynamics of Diana's life; I
don't want to participate in
thinking about it. Especially
since no one's gonna remember
this shit in two weeks. Maybe
the shelf-life is the sickest
thing actually....


Fish With Letter Icon

Loved your Diana piece a lot;
some of the most powerful
writing I've read in a long
time. Weird how lately I
pulled out this copy of
Society of the Spectacle. I
am amazed at how simple to
understand this obscure
French philosophical stuff is
right now, when we've got the
illustrations of it at our

Anyway, great job. Hope to
read more soon.

Miles Escherich

The ideas that Guy DeBord laid
out in his Society of the
have become
pedestrian as the
implications have been
forgotten or avoided. His
program may have failed, but
we still have to deal with
the consequences of what he


Fish With Letter Icon

Saturday Morning Cartoons

I'm glad that Suck had this
week-long trip down retro
lane and appropriately ran
your pretty little ditty on
Saturday Morning Cartoons'
Greatest Hits. I was one of
the unfortunates to receive
this album promo and become
elated that its nostalgia
would kick me in right in the
Underoos (I never owned a
pair of Underoos). However,
as you so eloquently stated,
"... you may find yourself
waxing nostalgic for your
memories instead of the "real
thing."" It has been like
that with the entire "Let's
talk about how great Saturday
morning cartoons used to be
when we were kids" debate. I
am a product of this time
period you speak of, and
catching an episode of
Sigmund The Sea Monster on
some cable channel late at
night recently made me cringe
at how there isn't as much
happening in the background
as I remember (although
WitcheyPoo still scared me).
Furthermore, seeing the
Buggaloos or Superfriends Power
both left me with a
feeling of emptiness. Where
is the nostalgia from that
time period? Is it just
better left encapsulated in
our minds? Or is there some
Honeycomb commercial I'm
going to see that is going to
spark my desire to be young
again sitting three inches
from the TV at seven in the
morning (before the folks are

Thanks for your article. It
furthers my complacency with
memory loss.

Bjorn Pave Systems Tech
Ventura County Star

Cartoons without that bowl of
Honeycombs = Cheech and Chong
movies without ...

Uh ... forget it.

Fish With Letter Icon

Royal Icing

Every now and then, I read
Suck and think, "Wow. This is
going to be a really good
week in the Fish."

Keep angering the masses,

- beej

Read on.

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: WOW

Whoa! That recent article
that you wrote on Monday 8
September for was
amazing. It looks at the
truth about what really
happened and rejects the
emotional ties people for
some unknown reason seem to
have about this issue. (I
really don't understand why
people in the United States
give a fart about England's
Royal dicks. They possess no
real power and have nothing
to do with our supposedly
anti-royalist government.)
Sure, the woman did some good
things, and she is an angel
compared to her slut-and-pimp
ex-family, but she's human.
How come no other do-gooder
gets this much attention? I
must admit that it is
humorous how quickly the
"straight" media turned on
their twins in the tabloid
field. I'll never forget Dan
Rather, who has done some
very paparazzi-type things in
his career, condemn these
people for their actions. As
that crack-smoking-
rabbit-screwing- singer from
Canada said, "Isn't it

Jacob Johnston

Glad it made sense ... I was
trying for a glimpse of the
truth, but I think that to
the extent I got it it was
through people's emotional
ties. Not the ones they cop
to, though. It's ironic and
other, worse stuff.


Fish With Letter Icon

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