The Fish
for 15 September 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


[John 'too tall' Pike]
John Pike
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager



I read Suck a lot. I still
don't know why I do, what it
is about or exactly what
drugs you guys are on (crack
is a good bet, but it has
been getting all the bad
press, I would go with
speed). Anyhow, through this
devotion to suck, I
occasioonally go back through
memory lane and get my hands
into the Barrel. Whilst
surfing said Sucks in the
Barrel, I have noticed
something. Is it just me, or
do 90% of the links in old
sucks no longer work? Is this
typical for the web? Sites
given any ammount of time
eventually just wither away?
Or is there something I have
discovered? Sites given a
short ammount of time, and a
few lines of HTML (or
whatever the fuck you use) in
Suck eventually die.

Greg Koenig

Um. Yes. Dead links are
typical for the web.

But after receiving your
email, we asked ourselves,
why should we be typical? So,
we're going to take the $30k
that we would've spent on new
columns by freelance writers,
and instead create a new
position for someone to
update and maintain all the
old links in all the Suck

Suck: Dedicated to Living in
the Past Indefinitely

Fish With Letter Icon

Guide to Online Writing

I checked out those other
on-line zines to see how
accurate your satirical
portrayals were from 'Hacking
Your Life Away' and I
witnessed 'The Tale of The
Turd'. True to your word, the
kind of word associations (is
it really writing?) that
passes for reading material
in Word is like the stuff
that you found in some storm
drain on a hand-written piece
of notebook paper. You
probably read the beginning,
but then realized why it was
on it's way down the drain in
the first place. If, in fact
you found it kinda funny, you
might show it to a friend in
class. But just drawing any
public attention to it makes
you fucking embarassed. How
these idiots could include it
in their magazine is just
beyond amazing; it's so
utterly stupid.

What's astounding is just how
many self-made, junky,
dipshit assholes they have
for contributors. In this
story alone you get to hear
the senseless ramblings of an
over-the-hill failure who is
currently screwing a teeny
bopper, junky in training.
Then it devolves into a
screed about something about
having to take a dump. If
there ever was a reason for
the despondent of the world
to put off committing suicide
for one more day, it's so
that they might go visit
Hanif Kureishi and beat his
aged, worthless ass to a

Tim Stich

Oddly enough, this actually
makes Word sound good - "it
devolves into a screed about
something about having to
take a dump." More to the
point, perhaps, it makes Word
sound like Suck.

Fish With Letter Icon

Ladies and Gentleman:

As a Web wordsmith (I write
and edit for, I
hugely enjoyed your tromp
through the world of Web
prose. The list of advantages
and disadvantages was
wonderful, and I've cleared a
space for it on my cube
wall--thereby violating an
array of copyright laws, I

Many thanks!

Peter Winkler

Copywrite laws, journalistic it for Slate,

Fish With Letter Icon

Apple vs. Microsoft Fable

Funny, I though that the tag
line at the end was nothing
more than a (very good)
attempt at humor. A bon mot
tagged on the end to add even
more humor to an already
funny cartoon. Shows what I
know. All those years of
reading Swift, Miller, and
Shakespeare - lost! Wasted!
How could I miss the dread
seriousness of this piece?
How could I misinterpret its
drama as an attempt at black
humor, its interpretive art
as a mere cartoon, portraying
Gates as a taciturn boy, the
apple, with its fury, its je
ne c'est qua, that lends it a
rage worthy of Othello. I
must go, I cannot carry

Rob N.

Next time, try taking Suck -
and yourself - a little more

Fish With Letter Icon

Comments on the Fish

Apple lovers are like flies
who refuse to go into
business consulting because
their standards are too high,
so instead they're
desperately poor. Then they
get work in the local coffee
shop, pulling lattés
for business consultants
every morning. And flies who
are business consultants
don't tip very well.

Just out of curiosity, do you
use Macs or Wintel machines
to create your artwork?
Create your Web pages?

Even odds it's a Mac OS-based
machine. And BTW, you do look
silly with egg on your face.


See how it's done, Rob? When
you take Suck, and yourself,
seriously - like MuffinHead
here does - you get to take a
standard joke, meant only for
cheap laughs, and interpret
it, develop a personal
grudge, and then lash back at
its author with your
misguided misinterpretation.
Indeed, taking yourself and
Suck seriously can provide
hours of fun for the whole

Fish With Letter Icon

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