for 11 September 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Hit and Run

Thanks guys, this was
inspiring. I'm not quite sure
now what to do with my piece
on miniature opium-smoking
Indonesian ferrets. Guess
I'll have to self-publish it.

By the way, I think you
overestimate Feed. Reads to
me like Mike Wallace trying
to fill in for Andy Rooney.

Cheers, Mike

But neither Mike Wallace nor
Andy Rooney has that
diamond-on-silk feel we've
come to associate with Steven
Johnson. Er, Feed. And
neither of them look as cute
with a goatee.

Self-respecting individual:
Why the hell do you read
Suck?

Loser: I must obey the
inscrutable exhortations of
my soul.

Self-respecting individual:
What?

Loser: I like it. It's cool

Meets and greets Suck heads,

In the beautiful dialog above
(just writhing with
ludicrousness), I am quite
ashamed to admit that I am
the loser. Sometimes people
ask me, "Why, Al, do you not
write for Suck, when you
sound exactly like them?" I
usually reply, "My name is
Jeff. Stop calling me Al."

At any rate, the real reason
is that I cannot express
myself monosyllabically
enough for the average
mentally unstable preteen to
comprehend. And I can't
spell. But personally, though
I am somewhat mentally
unstable (but proudly not a
preteen) I do enjoy Suck more
than any other mundane ezine.
I do enjoy sitting down
before a glowing monitor,
sipping my java, and reading
my Suck. (That was all a lie,
I usually misclick and end up
there). But I thank you for
reading my barrage of
redundant, careening
stupidity that appears to
have no visible point.

Keep on Sucking,

Jeff "Al" Mrochuk

Well, we're glad you're ending
up here, at any rate. We
welcome the ranks of the
mentally unstable with open
arms, particularly those
confident enough to expose us
to careening stupidity that
appears to have no visible
point (or the point appears
invisible, at any rate). We
have more in common than we'd
like to admit. Loser.

New-Media Bailouts

Today's New York Times
Business section has an
article on "New Media
Executives" and how the
corporate boys are bailing
out. I nearly choked on my
crumpet this morning over the
pictures of the
white-middle-aged-
men-in-suits who had given up
on the Web. The sob story
about how much Time Warner
was losing on Pathfinder was
gut-wrenching. I guess if
Time Warner can't make money
on it, it's all a hoax. If
63-year-old white men don't
get it, it ain't worth
gettin'! You folks may as
well close up shop right now.

Yes, I am being sexist,
racist, ageist, and extremely
biased against big business
and the technologically
disadvantaged.

Thanks for letting me vent,

Mary G.

No problem. Without biased
venting, where would we be?

Getting downsized from
Pathfinder, perhaps....

Hit and Run

What, you don't like Grizzly
Adams?

Fuckers.

Chris Smith
<chrismith@hotmail.com>

Writing for Online Magazines

Suck has always dealt a decent
line in navel-gazing, but on
Friday you disappeared just
that bit further up your
collective umbilicus.

Thanks. First time I've
laughed out loud in ages.

Nick

Wow. And it's the first time
we've navel-gazed in ... oh,
a few days.

Hey, writing for you guys
sounds like a step up from my
current job, so quit whining
and get on with it! Jeezus X.
Krist! Piss and moan all you
want, but you're not stuck in
a minimum-wage job at the age
of 30 while you're marking
time in some pissant West
Texas town waiting for the
damn professor to wake up and
actually teach a damn class
once in a while - and,
meanwhile back at the house,
the roaches are demanding
tribute and your student loan
is running late because some
whiny teamster at UPS decided
US$30,000 simoleons per year
wasn't enough to keep him in
scungili and mob suits!

By the way, Canada is not the
problem. It's Quebec. Slam
them. They need it. Fucking
splitters.

What was I talking about? Oh,
yeah. One other thing -
change the special features,
damnit! Presumably a special
feature is something that
pops up once a month or so in
your favorite rag and then
goes away like it's damn well
supposed to. Either that or
rename it to Perpetual
Features! Damn!

Damn, damn, damn, and damn!

<Name Withheld to Protect
the Roaches>

Thanks for the suggestion -
Perpetual Features are sure
to be a hit. More talk, less
variety, and much, much lower
costs. Hot damn!