The Fish
for 9 September 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


[John 'too tall' Pike]
John Pike
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Rolling Papers

Thanks for hitting a nerve of
mine. The press has become a
publicity puppet for the
government and big industry.
I see major world change
taking place through the
Internet. The Net is
America's wire cutters to its
own Iron Curtain. Finally,
people have a way to keep the
bureaucrats (bull-o-craps) in
check. Finally, a means to
distribute the truth! Now,
all we need is to make sure
all that we say on the Net is
accurate and true. Otherwise,
another propaganda coup will
take place. The government
would flood this Net with
inaccuracies until no one
would want to read the
electronic equivalent of the
National Enquirer. Thanks for
your assessment of the
journalistic situation and

Mike Rogalski

Glad I could hit your nerves.
But the Net failed the
and-accuracy test a long time
ago. And if that standard is
even attainable, who might you
suggest should be responsible
for maintaining it? The
government, perhaps?


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Guilty!

You're just going to have to
admit it - you just went and
became your own subject and
fried your own arguments. If
you're so fired up about
alternative journalism just
circulating old news, just
interested in attitude, just
making flashes in media pans,
well - go write some instead
of complaining.

And just why do you think that
we're all numb to these
stories, even if only one of
them could be important?
Because we have heard it all
before. Because we can't go
10 feet without some news
anchor telling us about how
many people have died today,
how the company you have been
working for has been killing
us, how our government lies.
Hell, we've been hearing this
since Kennedy, and you know
what? it is getting to us. We
don't need these stories
anymore because we already
believe them. Journalism only
becomes effective if the
audience doesn't already
believe but wants to. And we
don't want to anymore. Didn't
anyone in the newsrooms
consider that we would end up
listening, that we might
believe that the world is a
nasty place? So after our
airplanes get shot out of the
air and our statesmen admit
to sexual wrongdoing, we just
want to come home and depend
on something simple,
something understandable. And
we understand celebrity
scandal - mostly because we
wish we could live that life,
even if it does mean
answering personal questions
in front of Jerry Springer.
You want to know why
alternative journalism has
gotten pathetic? It's
because we've become

So while you bemoan the death
of quality, alternative
reporting by publishing shit
that just doesn't go
anywhere, try to remember
something. We're not
interested because it's just
not news anymore.

I have written stories about
the kinds of issues you
suggest - and the rest of
your message neatly explains
why I always felt like nobody
was reading them.
Heartwarming! Thanks!


Fish With Letter Icon

And you Sucksters do it damn
well continually.... Although
I wish you'd pick on Mexico
and WJC a little more, quit
trying to make Orwell the
prophet he wasn't, and maybe
give us the real shit on
global warming.



1.) Mexico sucks.

2.) WJC? Hah! What a joke!

3.) Suck is Love; Love is

4.) Global warming - it's hot!



Fish With Letter Icon

Random Shit

Subject: i'm angst-ridden, and
i want a job

dear sucksters,

i'll make this brief ... you
need me. my friend jeff is an
avid fan of yours and he is
under the impression that i
would make your mag a more
cynical place to visit (i do
not disagree). my bachelor's
degree in english literature
and theory should be enough
to make you all realize that
i am completely prepared to
share my thrilling views on
midget-tossing, random acts
of bitch slapping, and such
nonsense as would irritate
the typical urban-hipster
(which jeff is convinced that
i am even though he's never
seen me ... go figure). and,
hey, san francisco needs
another fact-finder or copy
editor or whatever (you can
get your own coffee ... i
have to draw the line
somewhere).... so since i
know you are desperate for
another staff member, i'll
start packing. better scoop
up this talent quick or i may
have to sit around on my ass
up here in oregon for another
six years and get really
depressed about the rain.

<Name Withheld to Protect the Unemployed>

You're hired. But first - it's
just a technicality, really -
you have to take one
itsy-bitsy little quiz.


Please put the reasons
you give for hiring
you in order of importance,
1 = The Most Important Reason
to Hire You, 13 = The Least
Important Reason to Hire You.

- You're angst-ridden, an
extremely rare and desirable
trait among job-seekers, and
highly sought-after by
reputable employers.

- You didn't attach a résumé,
reflecting either your
ultimate confidence in your
cover letter or your
assumption that we, like you,
are "rebels," uninterested in
the petty bourgeois accolades
listed on traditional

- You have a friend, and said
friend, "Jeff," is an avid
fan of Suck, even if you
yourself have never read it.

- Friend Jeff is under the
impression that you would
make our "mag" "a more
cynical place to visit," a
point with which you do not

- You have a degree in English
Literature, which is sure to
come in handy at Suck, where
three out of four employees
are Milton scholars.

- You mention
"midget-tossing" and
"bitch-slapping," which we're
sure to find both
appropriately "wacky" and
side-splittingly hi-larious.

- Not only are you an urban
hipster, but you seek to
irritate urban hipsters,
displaying the much-coveted

- You refuse to use capital
letters, assuming that we,
like you, are "rebels,"
uninterested in the rather
limiting rules of

- Friend Jeff has never, in
fact, seen you. Very virtual,

- You refuse to fetch us
coffee, when it is well known
that Suck's entry-level jobs
entail far, far more
demeaning work than just
coffee-fetching, displaying
the fact that you are
destined for great things
and, thus, can skip right
over humiliating rites of
passage like a great, big,
angst-ridden bunny rabbit.

- You are talent, meant to be
"scooped up."

- You don't like rain at all.
(Hey, no way! Neither do we!)

- We are "desperate for
another staff member." (Hey,
Ana: Screw the redesign,
screw salary increases, screw
marketing - what we really
need is another staff

Just email this quiz back with
your answers, real quicklike,
and you're on board, like,

Fish With Letter Icon

I am interested in Walter
Winchell's career and life.
Is there anything on audio or
video to buy or rent?

Michelle Cox

The J. J. Hunsecker character
in Sweet Smell of Success is
said to be based on Winchell,
and, if you're ever in New
York City or Los Angeles,
you can visit the Museum
of Television and Radio,
which has archived pretty
much all of his radio and
short-lived television
career. And, though you seem
hesitant to admit it, your
letter indicates a
willingness to read, so you
might start out with Neal
Gabler's Winchell: Gossip,
Power and the Culture of
It's like, a book.
Not audio, really, unless you
read it out loud.

Fish With Letter Icon

Hello, my name is <Name Withheld Just In Case>. I have
helped you out by looking at
your Web site, telling my
friends about it, and gaining
popularity for your site. Now
help me. I am a freelance
anti-terrorist looking to be
a government sharpshooter.
Is there any way for you to
get my message across? Please

<Name Withheld Just 'Cause>

We've never thought of ourselves
in quite the way you suggest,
but we'll do our best to get
the word out. And, hey, you
may be onto something we can
pitch ad sales' way: "Are you
a government agency looking
to hire a sharpshooter? Why
not advertise on Suck? Our
readers are highly
intelligent, morally corrupt,
and heavily armed...."

Fish With Letter Icon

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