The Fish
for 5 September 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


[John 'too tall' Pike]
John Pike
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Random Shit

Subject: i'm angst-ridden, and
i want a job

dear sucksters,

i'll make this brief ... you
need me. my friend jeff is an
avid fan of yours and he is
under the impression that i
would make your mag a more
cynical place to visit (i do
not disagree). my bachelor's
degree in english literature
and theory should be enough
to make you all realize that
i am completely prepared to
share my thrilling views on
midget-tossing, random acts
of bitch slapping, and such
nonsense as would irritate
the typical urban-hipster
(which jeff is convinced that
i am even though he's never
seen me ... go figure). and,
hey, san francisco needs
another fact-finder or copy
editor or whatever (you can
get your own coffee ... i
have to draw the line
somewhere).... so since i
know you are desperate for
another staff member, i'll
start packing. better scoop
up this talent quick or i may
have to sit around on my ass
up here in oregon for another
six years and get really
depressed about the rain.

<Name Withheld to Protect the Unemployed>

You're hired. But first - it's
just a technicality, really -
you have to take one
itsy-bitsy little quiz.


Please put the reasons
you give for hiring
you in order of importance,
1 = The Most Important Reason
to Hire You, 13 = The Least
Important Reason to Hire You.

- You're angst-ridden, an
extremely rare and desirable
trait among job-seekers, and
highly sought-after by
reputable employers.

- You didn't attach a résumé,
reflecting either your
ultimate confidence in your
cover letter or your
assumption that we, like you,
are "rebels," uninterested in
the petty bourgeois accolades
listed on traditional

- You have a friend, and said
friend, "Jeff," is an avid
fan of Suck, even if you
yourself have never read it.

- Friend Jeff is under the
impression that you would
make our "mag" "a more
cynical place to visit," a
point with which you do not

- You have a degree in English
Literature, which is sure to
come in handy at Suck, where
three out of four employees
are Milton scholars.

- You mention
"midget-tossing" and
"bitch-slapping," which we're
sure to find both
appropriately "wacky" and
side-splittingly hi-larious.

- Not only are you an urban
hipster, but you seek to
irritate urban hipsters,
displaying the much-coveted

- You refuse to use capital
letters, assuming that we,
like you, are "rebels,"
uninterested in the rather
limiting rules of

- Friend Jeff has never, in
fact, seen you. Very virtual,

- You refuse to fetch us
coffee, when it is well known
that Suck's entry-level jobs
entail far, far more
demeaning work than just
coffee-fetching, displaying
the fact that you are
destined for great things
and, thus, can skip right
over humiliating rites of
passage like a great, big,
angst-ridden bunny rabbit.

- You are talent, meant to be
"scooped up."

- You don't like rain at all.
(Hey, no way! Neither do we!)

- We are "desperate for
another staff member." (Hey,
Ana: Screw the redesign,
screw salary increases, screw
marketing - what we really
need is another staff

Just email this quiz back with
your answers, real quicklike,
and you're on board, like,

Fish With Letter Icon

I am interested in Walter
Winchell's career and life.
Is there anything on audio or
video to buy or rent?

Michelle Cox

The J. J. Hunsecker character
in Sweet Smell of Success is
said to be based on Winchell,
and, if you're ever in New
York City or Los Angeles,
you can visit the Museum
of Television and Radio,
which has archived pretty
much all of his radio and
short-lived television
career. And, though you seem
hesitant to admit it, your
letter indicates a
willingness to read, so you
might start out with Neal
Gabler's Winchell: Gossip,
Power and the Culture of
It's like, a book.
Not audio, really, unless you
read it out loud.

Fish With Letter Icon

Hello, my name is <Name Withheld Just In Case>. I have
helped you out by looking at
your Web site, telling my
friends about it, and gaining
popularity for your site. Now
help me. I am a freelance
anti-terrorist looking to be
a government sharpshooter.
Is there any way for you to
get my message across? Please

<Name Withheld Just 'Cause>

We've never thought of ourselves
in quite the way you suggest,
but we'll do our best to get
the word out. And, hey, you
may be onto something we can
pitch ad sales' way: "Are you
a government agency looking
to hire a sharpshooter? Why
not advertise on Suck? Our
readers are highly
intelligent, morally corrupt,
and heavily armed...."

Fish With Letter Icon

What ... Me Funny?

I don't know if you have the
collection already, but all
of the original Mad comic
books are currently being
reprinted in a magazine-sized
format, in groups of five
issues, the first of which
was just released. It should
be available at your local
comic shop. A couple of other
old-line humor comics are
also being rereleased (e.g.,
Panic). Anyway, this ain't no
fan letter, although I
enjoyed your article and read
Suck religiously. I just
thought that you might like
to know, if you didn't
already (rather than writing
the usual over-the-top
pretentious claptrap that
seems to show up in The
Fish). Keep up the cynicism.

Christopher Colombo

What a coincidence! We write
Suck religiously. Which is to
say, with the hopes of
founding a tax-exempt
business and devoted cult
following. Keep the faith.

Fish With Letter Icon

In Harmony's Way

Another great rant. Americans
do like a great speech.
Clinton's enumeration of the
ills afflicting this country
are beginning to resemble the
late-night news. We read the
same stories and can cite
many of the same statistics
as he, just not as
eloquently. You suggest that
the apparent lack of dialog
on race relations by the man
in the street may mean we
have better things to do with
our time. The issue is so big
maybe we just don't know
where to start. What is at
issue, for the most part, are
the inequities built into so
many of the institutions that
affect people on a personal
level daily in this country.
Unfortunately for blacks in
this country, the time
for a tribunal to
redress the wrongs done them
(as has been created in post-
apartheid South Africa) may
have come and gone. There are
many wrongs being done people
of all ethnic backgrounds in
the justice system, in
schools, and in the matter of
wages, job opportunities,
housing, etc. The fact of
being poor in this country
has become the social
equivalent of having a Kick
Me sign taped to one's back,
much like the predicament of
blacks, both historically and
at present.


Blacks get the double whammy
of having a Kick Me sign
pretty much encoded in their
genes. Junior-high travails
are inexplicable and
mysterious, while the
discriminatory signs for race
are as plain as the nose on
someone's face, so to speak.

Fish With Letter Icon

Uninteresting times, huh? Well,
let's see: an information
technology revolution; an
educational crisis at home; a
new Europe and Asia; the PRC
in Hong Kong; a restructuring
of the American work force; a
bankrupt Welfare, Medicare,
and Social Security System -
hell, what to do? No easy
answers (maybe no good
questions either) to any of
these trivial phenomena.
Solution: Go directly to
Martha's Vineyard and be
entertained by NEA supporters
while worrying about
establishing a legacy. Hang
on, Bill, maybe you'll be
given a star on Hollywood

David George

You know, Dave (can I call you
Dave?), I really suspect that
Bill Clinton works harder and
longer hours than you and I
put together. And while
Martha's Vineyard is a
beautiful place, I doubt any
president gets any real rest
on vacation. So lighten up.

And if you know where I can
find this information
technology revolution, please
clue me in. All I've noticed
is a bunch of dorks sending
me jokes about Bill Gates.
And some speech by Kurt

Yours Patriotically,

Fish With Letter Icon

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