The Fish
for 28 August 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


[John 'too tall' Pike]
John Pike
Production Manager


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Brand Extortion

As for Vonnegut's apparent
Judas-goating of those caught
in the web, "so it goes." I
only wish that Jerzy Kozinsky
was around to appreciate the
farce. After years of
success, he once (under an
assumed name) submitted the
transcript of his
prize-winning first novel,
The Painted Bird, to various
American publishers, all of
whom rejected it - including
the New York publisher that
originally accepted and
profited from it. He proved
his point(s): one, that
publication is a dicey
matter; and two, that you can
fool some of the people most
of the time - whatever the

If Kurt Vonnegut (who, for
Chrissy's sake, should
recognize a Twainian moment
when it happens) doesn't want
to go the way of, well, the
denizens of Galapagos, maybe
he should take another look
at the Web. Farce it up if
you have to, but don't assume
that it has a monopoly on
mass hysteria. To use the
most annoying mantra of all -
even more annoying than
Vonnegut's - "There is
nothing new under the sun."
We've been banking on fooling
some of the people most of
the time for almost exactly
two years now, but until the
Web has a monopoly on mass
hysteria, we probably won't
make a bankroll. But we'll
hold our breath until then,
because nothing's easier to
exploit for a profit than
mass hysteria. What I'm
really hoping, to be blunt,
is that you are not the one
who started the forward
madness attaching Vonnegut's
name to it, but are really
exhibiting the highest form
of spectacle-based branding,
seeing that no one else has
taken credit for it, and
claiming it as your own media

Because that would be sheer

Even if you did start it,
that's a pretty decent media
stunt, but if you didn't,
taking credit for it is truly
fantastically sick and


Suck: A Pretty Decent Media Stunt


Suck: Fantastically Sick and Beautiful?

You make the call.

Fish With Letter Icon

Apple and Microsoft: A Fable

"Moral: There is no God"

True enough, but what has that
got to do with the Microsoft
Apple merger? Apple, believe
it or not, is far too
important to Microsoft at the
present time to allow it to
die. Why? Applications and

What do I mean by that? As a
user of both PCs and Macs,
Mac wins hands down in the
graphics, publishing, and
multimedia apps areas. But
wait! What's this? Software
producers frightened by
Apple's dwindling market share
are jumping ship! They're
going cross-platform! Adobe!
Specular! They're all
converting to ASCII!

Not to mention the fact that
Microsoft stole the GUI from
Mac (who stole it from Xerox,
but nobody ever talks about

Microsoft just isn't finished
with Apple yet. However, I
don't think that it will be
all that long before we see
PowerMac 9600s sitting next
to the Amigas in our local
used computer store.

Maybe there is a God, but
Apple has to find a new Satan
to hate and fear now.

Spiritually Dead,
Mike Kirsch

But Apple was a seed that fell
on rocky soil and could not
grow, and Microsoft is a bird
that swoops down and pecks up
the seed. Then the bird takes
the seed to a pitcher half
full of water, and drops it
in, along with a bunch of
other crap, until the water
level rises high enough for
the bird to drink. When the
bird has had enough water, it
goes on a long flight and
leaves a steady trail of bird
shit all over the little
people down below - that's
you and me, see?

Keep studying the fables set
before you and in time you,
too, will see the truth.

Fish With Letter Icon

Hey, Sucksters!!

As an ex-employee, downsize
victim, for 12 years minus 4
days, of Apple, and now, a
highly reluctant sometime
user, mediocrity victim, of
Microsoft products, I have to
say that your little fable
did more to sum up the Apple
vs Microsoft S&M
relationship, than all the
so-called technology pundits
put together lengthwise.

I still believe that if Apple
goes away, we all lose.
Microsoft has never sold
anything of any quality,
except maybe Excel....

The new breed of computer
consumers are meek little
know-nothings who buy for
price, and after an intense
emotional investment to get
the damn thing to just work,
they think that they now have
the best there is! No
kidding! My 7-year-old Mac
IIci works just fine. But
Apple's quality control has
gone by the wayside in the
past few years, forcing those
of us in that camp to justify
user-friendly crashes.

After 20-some years in the
personal-computer (note, not
PC) arena, it is all very
depressing. Some days I
really feel like taking up

Rt. Rev. Neal Johnson

Those in the personal-computer
business are like little
flies, circling around rotten
fruit until they're dizzy and
have to sit down for a while
and let the queasiness pass.
Once the queasiness passes,
they can get out their easels
and paint, but usually they
just go into business
consulting, which is thriving
under the currently robust
fly economy.

Fish With Letter Icon


I just popped into Suck for a
little light entertainment
and I get a mind-blowingly
brilliant fable on such a
topical subject close to many
of our hearts. With tinges of
humor and truth and irony and

I loved it! Suck, you have
refound your brilliance -
long may it live!

Jason Kitcat


Brilliance is a tricky little
fly who specializes in
business consulting. You
think you have a 4 o'clock
with this tricky fly, and he
never shows! Later, when
you're scarfing pizza and
watching The Simpsons that
night, he barges in, eats
half your pizza, and leaves
you a sealed container.

You open the container, and
it's filled with
fresh-squeezed lemonade. That
gives you a really good idea!
You pour the lemonade down
the drain, go to the store,
buy some lemons, and come
home and make lemonade, and
it's good. But afterwards,
the whole project seems to
have a high effort-to-return
ratio, so you vow to buy
powdered lemonade the next
time you get a craving.

Fish With Letter Icon

It is time for all those
fanatical Apple lovers to
quit moaning and get with the
program. Like it or not,
Gates rules our desktops.
Life's a bitch. I have never
been able to understand this
obsession with a brand of
lackluster machines. Apple
lovers, it's time to move out
of your parents' basement,
dump all your porn links, and
get a real machine so you can
start bitching about Windows
95 like the rest of us.

Bradley Messmer

Apple lovers are like flies
who refuse to go into
business consulting because
their standards are too high,
so instead they're
desperately poor. Then they
get work in the local coffee
shop, pulling lattés
for business consultants
every morning. And flies who
are business consultants
don't tip very well.

Fish With Letter Icon

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